A Week By the Sea

Sorry for the lapse in writing; I have a good excuse - Jason and I have recently returned from a week-long trip to Mexico (Puerto Morelos to be exact)! We slept in, relaxed, read, drank margaritas and other exciting drinks, kayaked, soaked up sunshine, ate fish tacos, walked the beach, learned about the ancient Mayan culture, swam, and overall had an amazing time! We needed the break more than I'd expected!

Right to left, top to bottom: Our first drinks (at the airport - c'mon give us a break, it'd snowed 6" in MN while we were leaving that morning!), my first glimpse of the ocean, the first meat I'd eaten in over 2 months, a jellyfish shot.

View from the pool and the beautiful beach in front of our resort.

Ruins, and the most beautiful beach I've ever seen!

Obsessed

The sunrise on the day we left. I may have teared up a little (no judging).

Ouch

Thought I was finished with pain (and complaining about it) didn't you? Nope! A few weeks ago, in my quest to prove to myself that I'm physically back to normal, I did a boot camp class, followed by a TRX personal training session a few days later.

An example of one of the TRX exercises I did, except unlike the lady in the picture,
I was sweating like a beast, grunting, and making faces that would frighten children.

Since both were new to my body, I was understandably sore after each session. Once a few days had gone by, most of my aches had subsided, except for an area in my upper back, on the right side. I let it be for a few weeks, begging Jason for back rubs on a daily basis. Finally I decided to see a chiropractor, Dr. Kristin Schaffer. She's been doing some muscle stimulation and adjusting me every-other day for about a week and a half, and Monday she dropped a bomb on me. Because she's aware of my medical history, she brought up the fact that it was possible (but very unlikely) that my breast cancer metastasized to my ribs. I've heard worse news so I didn't immediately panic; we did an x-ray and sent it off to a radiologist for review.

My motto is that if you catch things early, they can be treated, so of course I made an appointment with Dr. Howe (my oncologist) as soon as I was able to on Tuesday morning. Yesterday afternoon I heard back from the radiologist who said they didn't see anything that they'd be concerned about, but c'mon. With everything I've gone through over the last 8 months, I don't think I'd be able to let this go until I get the green light from Dr. Howe. There has to be some reason for the pain I'm having (I'm rating it one step below expansions, to give you an idea of severity), and until we figure it out, we won't know how to make it go away.

I was a little on edge Monday evening (as you can imagine), but have since calmed a bit - I'm 90% sure I pushed myself too hard at the gym and as a result, gave myself an injury. We'll see what Dr. Howe says at my appointment Friday; until then, it's a nice rotation of heat and ice...

One Step Closer...

...to being a full-fledged vegetarian. We had two "meat days" this weekend and totally stuffed ourselves with chicken, beef and pepperoni (my favorite). I felt fine for the most part, but after eating the delicious cheese-stuffed burger I almost instantly felt sick. Maybe it was too much grease (Jason and I split a side of onion rings too), but maybe it was my stomach saying "no thanks" to the beef?  Who knows - we're back on a no-meat diet now until Sunday (which happens to be Superbowl Sunday), when we plan on saying au revoir to our favorite meat snacks. I'm feeling OK about it - like I've said to a few of my friends already, I don't really notice that we're not eating meat. I've also been getting oodles of recipes and advice from my vegetarian friends, so I think we'll be able to find yummy substitutes for our favorite foods that typically include meat.

...to eliminating night sweats. I attribute much of my success in this area to removing meat from my diet. I've been taking tamoxifen for almost six months now, and have had 4, maybe 5 nights of sleep where I didn't wake up once to a night sweat (In case you're wondering, night sweats are much worse than hot flashes; you wake up soaking, and even after changing in to dry jammies, you hop back into damp sheets. They're terribly unpleasant.). In the past week I've slept 4 or 5 nights all the way through. Do you know how wonderful it feels to have a full night of uninterrupted sleep?! Glorious - almost to the extent that I can hear angels sing as my alarm goes off each morning.

...to getting my sun-shiny, positive, cheerful self back. Yesterday I started taking a multivitamin that packs a Vitamin D punch. I'm confident it'll get my energy level back up and kick my Debby Downer attitude to the frozen curb. I'm also keeping up my gym habit; last week I signed up for a 5K in April and I'm determined to run the entire thing. It's 3.1 miles, I'm sure I can do it (plus, I have lots of time to work my way up)!

Blah

Technical Error #2: This was supposed to post yesterday afternoon. I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much more optimistic today :) Thank you exercise-induced endorphins!

Technical Error #1: Adding to my blah attitude (described below), I'd just written a B+ post that pin-pointed exactly how I'm feeling today, and then 1-2-3 it disappeared. Awesome.

Anyway (I'll try to re-create it before I forget), have you ever felt down, and not for any particular reason? That's me today. We've been getting bits and pieces of bad news from/about people we love (not life/death or cancer bad news, don't worry) and I'm getting to the point where my frustration is so strong I can feel it in my bones. It's affecting my personality and my typically-cheerful self isn't overcoming the feelings. As I write this, in my head I can hear Jason say "you can't focus on the negative things that are happening, think of all of the positives instead" (oh Jas, you're so wise). If only it were that easy.

"I'd look on the bright side... if I could find it." -Eeyore

I need sunshine or something; some vitamin D. I hate feeling this way, especially since I was beyond words to describe how happy I was to see 2013 go. This year was supposed to be 365 days of celebration, and not just waking up and being thankful I'm here either. I'm talking fireworks. We're here, we're young, we're healthy and we have so many great things ahead of us. Twenty-two days in and it feels like 2013 hasn't quite ended yet. 

Go away bad news, you jerk. You're ruining 2014.

Thankful

Tis the season to shop, eat, be with friends and family, but most of all: be thankful.  I'm usually pretty aware of the things I have in my life that others may not.  I was lucky enough to be born into a very loving family, in a country that, among its shortcomings, offers a relatively safe and comfortable place to live and be a young, working woman.  I get to vote, choose who I marry (hey there, Jas), and at the end of the day, have the peace of mind that I don't have to worry about where my next glass of clean water is coming from, or how to cure my hunger pains. I live a pretty cushy life.

In the past I've completely taken my health and body for granted.  After my scare with breast cancer, I have a whole new level of respect (and thanks) for my physical and mental health.  I, unlike many other survivors, don't wake up every morning with my first thought being "I had cancer." Even when I'm flashing, I don't think "I'm hot because of the Tamoxifen, and I'm taking Tamoxifen because I had cancer." I don't think "cancer" when I stretch the muscles in my chest/arms or accidentally run into something because I don't have feeling in my boobs (it happens more than I'm happy to admit).  When I do think about it, it still seems a little too crazy to comprehend.  Like it was all a terrible dream, except I have the scars to prove that it wasn't (maybe I should seek therapy?!).

I'll never ever forget the fact that I had cancer, but I think it's time for me to move past it.  I'm beyond happy to talk about my experiences if anyone asks; however, I feel that dedicating this blog to cancer is facing it in the wrong direction.  I need to write about living life despite having cancer, to give others hope that they too can overcome the hurdles and come out the other side healthy, cancer-free, and yes, even thankful for the experience. 

I plan to continue to update you fine folks of any support group meetings, doctor appointments, or general aches and pains I have (if I have to deal with it, you're going to know about it), but I'll also be writing about other things going on in my life.  If that means I lose readers (all three of you), I want to thank you for sticking with me over the last five months.  I hope I was able to raise the awareness you have about your personal breast health (health in general!), or encourage you to spread the word about early mammograms.  It's never too early to detect and start treating breast cancer! 

Many thanks; I hope you have a wonderful holiday season!
Cassie

It's my Birthday!

Usually I wouldn't have ended "It's my birthday" with an exclamation point, but I'm a changed woman.  My outlook on aging has gone from "I'm going to celebrate 29 every year from now on" to "Bring it on age, I made it this far." I'm perfectly happy where I am, at the age I am, and instead of dreading a new number, I'm embracing another successful year under my belt.

I'm confident that 29 has good things in store.  The biggest thing on my radar: I'll celebrate five incredible years with Jason in a few short months.  Another thing I'm looking forward to: New Boobs Day!  I'll have milestones to celebrate with family and friends, mini celebrations at our favorite restaurant, Kafe 421, and a whole lot of being thankful happening. A few goals:

1. Mega-clean our basement of all the cobwebs, dust and miscellaneous boxes that landed there when we moved in 3 years ago so we can maybe start finishing it
2. Finish landscaping our back yard
3. Push my idea of pajamas for women having mastectomies further; I've heard absolutely no feedback from the organizations I've reached out to, and that's not ok 
4. Secure our wireless network (small but something I've been meaning to do for a long time)

As we celebrated turning 29 last night, I was talking with some girlfriends about over-committing and missing out on time with the people who mean the most to me.  It's difficult to say "no" to things, but I'm going to try really hard to start saying it more.  Life's too short to waste even an hour doing something you don't want to do.  I want to really savor the time I have with the people I love and not constantly be worried about what I'm falling behind on on my list of things to do (I'm famous for my to do list's, by the way). 

Looking forward to what this new year has in store for me.

Jason = Positive Vibes

While waiting tonight for our purchase to be gift-wrapped for one of the many weddings we have this summer, I picked up a name horiscope-like book and found such a promising message under "Jason":

You will marry young (we were 24 and 25) and will weather initial difficulties (hello 2013!?) due to your age and inexperience (no one, at any time in their lives, should be prepared for what this year has put us through). Time will bring confidence, security, and happiness.

How uplifting, right?  Of course I searched for my name, but no one recognizes "Cassie" as a name.  I don't count Cassandra as being close enough (that's not my name); I want straight up Cassie.  No cool name pencils or key chains for this gal growing up.  Oh well, I think Jason's scope is perfect for both of us.  Time has brought us so far from where we started in all of this, and I'm so confident that it will eventually not cross our minds every single day.  Just a matter of time.

Another matter: kickball.  Our team did awesome last night, starting our season off with a 11-2 victory!  The ref was nice, cracking jokes while I was trying to play catcher, and we were all miserable in the oven that has taken over MN this week.  We made the best of it though and I'm so proud of our team.  I played without pain (although I'm pretty sore today) and I know the more I do it (i.e. every Tuesday for the next 7-8 weeks) the better I'll feel.  As a matter of fact, kickball will pretty much bring me right up to New Boobs Day (70 days)!

Dance Dance Dance

Have I mentioned how hot it's been this summer?  Yes?  Sorry - it's seriously scorching and making me completely regret taking central air off of my "absolutely must have" list when we were searching for and buying our house.  Next time AC, next time.

We celebrated my oldest friend Maeghen yesterday as she married a very cool and sweet guy, Reid at their gorgeous backyard wedding.  She was stunning, the guests were some of my favorite people, and we danced the night away.  That's right - I danced.  For a very long time.  I jumped, twisted and shook my booty and the fact that I had major surgery 8.5 weeks ago didn't cross my mind once.  I had the best time and felt 100% like myself again!  SUCH a great feeling!

Jason and I; the Maeghen and I; and the newly-weds Maeghen & Reid

I wasn't in any pain last night, just a little sore this morning.  Best part about the wedding (in a me-centered, selfish manner): I proved to myself that my fears of exercising are nothing to worry about.  If I can jump up and down for hours at a time, I think that I'm totally capable of getting back into an active life.  What perfect timing too; we have our first kickball game on Tuesday!  Can't wait!

Oooofta

Talk about jumping back into work.  Before I went out for my surgery 6 weeks ago, my goal was to attend and work the event in Duluth.  I did it, but holy cow did it wear me out!  The early morning hours and longer-than-normal days totally took a toll on me and I was a major grouch last night (sorry Jas)!

It was awesome being back in Duluth again, even if I was working most of the time.  We went to all of the places that have become my favorite after years of visiting Rachel while she lived there.  Sunday was my favorite: we started the "vacation" by hiking at Gooseberry Falls, then had dinner at Hanabi and took a cruise of the harbor on the Vista Star.  Monday I was so exhausted after work that we had dinner at the Anchor Bar in Superior (best burger in MN, in my opinion), and passed out at the hotel by 10pm.  After a long and successful day yesterday, we stopped by Grandma's for an unwind beer before hitting up Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and starting the trip home.

Some snapshots from our trip

It was so nice to get away for a little bit!  Now that I'm back I need to be in full-speed-ahead mode but I think my refreshed brain is ready for it :)

No new news on the cancer-front, other than the fact that I found an email in my work inbox today that I sent the morning of my diagnosis.  I get nervous all over again thinking about that day :(  Good news: no sign of side effects from the tamoxifen yet (knock on wood); watch, now that I've said that I'll get hot flashes all day haha!

Third Time's a Charm

I had a successful expansion yesterday in which I had 35cc's injected into each side. It's like Goldilocks - 50 was way too much, 25 not enough, but 35 was just right :) I was a little sore last night and today but tolerable, and I think tomorrow I'm going to see how it goes without any pain meds. 

I'm very excited for tomorrow: Jason and I are going to have a little adventure in Duluth! I'm scheduled to be there for a work event but that's only for a bit tomorrow night and then during the day Mon/Tues. Jason's never been so I'm pretty pumped to show him all the places I've learned to love while visiting my friend Rachel while she was in Duluth for pharmacy school. It'll be like a mini vacation, which I think we're both in desperate need of. The weather should be nice and I can't wait to see the gorgeous city. It's been too long Duluth!

1-2-3 GO!

Today I'm starting tamoxifen.  It's a big day (in my opinion anyway) because it's the starting line to my 5-year marathon to a cancer-free me.  It also starts a 5-year ban on getting pregnant (cancer, you're a jerk).

Of course, here I am, impatiently waiting for Jason to take me to Target so I can get the pills and start them already (it'll just be one/day).  I figure, the sooner I start it, the sooner I can finish.  If you're not familiar with the drug, here's a rundown courtesy of WebMD:

Tamoxifen is used to treat breast cancer that has spread to other parts of the body (metastatic breast cancer) (taking it is precautionary for me; my doctors have assured me that my cancer hasn't spread), to treat breast cancer in certain patients after surgery and radiation therapy, and to reduce the chances of breast cancer in high-risk patients.

This medication can block the growth of breast cancer. It works by interfering with the effects of estrogen in the breast tissue.

Side effects can include:

• hot flashes;
• leg cramps;
• muscle aches;
• hair thinning;
• headache; and
• numb/tingling skin

How lovely!  I'll be a 55-year-old woman stuck in a 28(almost 29, eek!)-year-old's body.  The possible side effects are much better than having cancer; need to remind myself of that, probably once they start kicking in more so than right now though, haha!

One Step Forward...

You know what comes next.  Such a roller-coaster of emotions, this year has been.  On top of everything that's happened—deaths in the family (one very sudden), my cancer diagnosis/surgery/recovery, and plans for starting a family completely disrupted—Jason found out yesterday that the company he was working for is going out of business, as of yesterday, leaving him on the hunt for a new job.

Things could be worse; I have amazing insurance.  My medical bills through this whole process have racked up to almost six digits, and we've only seen $25-$45 co-pay's here and there.  I'm not done yet either - I have another surgery and 5 years of medication coming up. The bills could very likely surpass what we took out as a mortgage on our house.

Yes, the unemployment Jason will collect will be less than his salary, but his confidence, skills and talent will land him a great job, and soon too.  From the moment he heard the news, he's been sending his resume out.  He's not wasting any time and I'm so thankful he's so on the ball. If he doesn't stress about money, I won't stress about money. 

Our worst day is still a better day than many other people in this world are having.  It took me awhile yesterday afternoon (between wiping tears and sobbing to my sister on the phone - hey, it's a lot to handle in a short period of time) to remind myself to be grateful for everything we have. Pitty party - table for one.

Timing, ohhh you sweet son of a b****.  You're awful right now. 

Weekend Wrap-Up

Did I mention that I started work again last week?  I was (and will continue for a bit longer) working from home.  It felt great to have my brain back in use after my three weeks "off" but I found myself getting frustrated because of the workload.  It's not a heavy one to say the least - work has been great about easing me back into my duties - but I do feel overwhelmed at times, which I think, is the most frustrating part.  Before all of this, I'd be able to take on what I've got on my plate and then some without blinking an eye; now, I'm distracted and feel really slow.  I'm getting the work done, don't get me wrong, but not at the speed or quality I typically like to produce.  Crossing my fingers that this next week goes a little better!

My "home office" at the dining room table and a
big perk of working from home: catching kitty cuddle sessions :)

 

 

My second tissue expansion on Thursday was a much better experience than the first!  I still had the tight, sore feeling from the first round, but the pain I felt in my ribs was completely absent!  I sneezed once late Thursday night and felt a quick stab, but other than that, my meds did their job and it was tolerable.  Thinking about getting a little crazy this week and bumping it up from 25 to 30 cc's in each side.

We met with a reproductive endocrinologist Friday morning and since, I've been struggling to summarize our experience.  Although the man is a genius who in the past made national headlines for his work with surrogacy (in a good way), his social skills were a little off (i.e. talking to me, as in mentioning something about the age of my ovaries [28 like they're supposed to be, if you're wondering] but looking at Jason while saying it.  Odd. 

Anyway, the reason we met with him was to determine what our options are for starting a family.  Here they are, as clear-cut as I can make them:

1. We harvest, create and freeze embryos now, before I start taking the tamoxifen, and use them either when I'm off the medicine in 5.5 years (it's been suggested that we wait 3-6 months after taking it so the drug is out of my system) or implant the embryos in a surrogate at some point before then.  As you can imagine, this process is extremely expensive (like, needing to with the Powerball before doing it, expensive).
2. We look into adoption.  I wish I could write a paragraph about it, but I've honestly not started doing research on it yet so I can't!
3. We wait 5.5 years (until I'm 34.5) to try for our first child. 

I feel like an 18-year-old again, starting college and trying to foresee where I'll end up in 4-5 years. Most 18-year-olds shouldn't be able to make such major decisions about their future (I put myself in that category); they haven't "lived" enough to know what they want to do when they grow up, and this feels like a similar situation.  How are we supposed to know what's best for us in the next 5 years?  I hate hate hate that there's a time frame pushing us too; if we decide to freeze embryos, we'll need to start the process in the next couple weeks, and I feel like that kind of a decision (and finding a pot of gold) requires more time.

Needless to say, I've had some very emotional moments over the past couple days, and I think that's why I've been delaying a post.  I didn't know what to write.  The thought of waiting for so many years to have a baby is breaking my heart, especially since we were ready for that part of our lives right now.  I'm trying to have patience and generate positives about waiting but are you kidding me?  I'm the most impatient person on this Earth and waiting that long sounds like cruel and unusual punishment (for a crime that I've never committed).

Time to break out the good ole note pad and make a pros/cons list (after researching more about adoption, of course).

Reproductive Endocrinologist

Nerves

You'd think by now I should be over being nervous for doctors appointments.  I'm not.  Jason and I are meeting with my oncologist over lunch tomorrow to discuss further treatment.  I'm hoping and crossing my fingers and toes that the oncotype test results are in so we can include that information as we decide on a plan of attack.

If the results say the cancer is likely to reoccur, I'm looking at some chemo and/or radiation.  If not, then yippee, neither!!  Either way, it's very likely I'll have to be on Tamoxifen.  I can get into the awesome (sarcasm font) side effects of that tomorrow once I know more, but yikes.  Welcome back nerves!

Talk About Pain...

So last night I mentioned being in pain from the first expansion.  It got much, much worse from the time I made the post.  I somehow got myself to a lying down position on our bed, bawling, and was attempting some of the stretches I learned in PT (hey, the drugs weren't working so I had to exhaust all avenues) while Jason was Googling to see if others had had a similar reaction to their first expansion.  They did. 

The stabbing pain I was feeling in my ribs was normal; we found out the a lot of surgeons will sew the breast muscle to the ribs, so of course, when the muscle expands (because of the tissue expanders underneath) it pulls the ribs, making them feel like they're slowly breaking.  How nice right?  I broke down and took more of my meds (I've been trying to take less than I need - who needs all of these drugs in their system?) which helped me sleep.

I woke up this morning and just laid in bed, dreading sitting up (by far the most painful thing I do every day) and finally I gave myself the 1-2-3 and I was up. I took meds immediately and over the past two hours, they've kicked in enough to allow me to take a shower (a very slow and careful one at that).  I'm planning on taking it easy today; maybe doing my stretches a few times but other than that, I don't think I can handle much more :(

Expansions

What a great weekend!  We were busy, but not as much as a typical weekend when the Schober's are in town.  They're such a great source of support and love; Todd was his usual sassy self and Barbie was a doting mother-in-law with an eagle eye for me the entire time.  Love them! 

Although I thought we played it pretty easy, I'm exhausted today.  I slept late and woke up hot and crabby, that is until we had breakfast in a nice air-conditioned restaurant nearby.  And get this: I drove today!  For the first time in 20 days I drove a car!  I didn't make it very far, just to a gas station a few blocks away, but it's a start!  It was still just a little too painful to pull the steering wheel and I'm hesitant and slow which isn't good when driving in the hussle-bustle of the city.  I think I'll give it another couple days before trying again.  It'd be amazing to have the freedom of driving again; it's awful having to rely on others for rides.  I feel like such an inconvenience sometimes!

This afternoon we met with Dr. Heinrich who (thankfully) drained out another couple large-syringes of fluid that had collected under my skin.  It's so gross; I'm so relieved that it's gone.  It's jiggly and uncomfortable and I hate having it!  Jason and I didn't think this would happen too, but she wanted to expand me today as well!  After we got rid of the nasty fluid, she asked me to lay back on the table.  She took out her magnet and found the ports into my tissue expanders, then marked the spot on each side with a blue X.

Her assistant (didn't catch her name), on my right, and Dr. Heinrich, on my left injected me at the same time.  First, 25 cc's.  Then, when I said I wasn't really feeling a change, they added another 25 cc's.  It was CRAZY watching my "breasts" get bigger right before my eyes.  It was like puberty in fast-forward.  Sitting up I felt an enormous amount of pressure in my chest, and since getting home, have felt sort of a stabbing pain right down the center of me that pulses each time I expand my chest to breathe. I'm on as much medication as I'm able to take and I'd say my pain level is at a 7.  It hurts bad.  Almost as bad as those first few days after surgery.  I think I need to hold off next time and only do 25 cc's :( 

Sweet Relief

Today I FINALLY had my drain tubes removed!  For those of you not paying attention, I've had these in since my surgery date, 12 whole days ago, to collect excess blood and puss my body produced while I was healing. 

Going into the appointment I had low expectations - I was supposed to be at 30cc's on each breast in a 24 hour period, and this last one was more like 45.  The color was right where it needed to be (sorry if that's gross) and the PA checked with Dr. Heinrich, came in and gave us the fantastic news that we got the green light to remove them.  I wanted to jump (too painful) and scream (too juvinile) so I flashed Jason a big smile and politely said "yay"!  Inside I was crying and hyperventilating like the young silly girls do when they see Justin Bieber.  This was my Bieber moment.

The PA removed the tape that'd been on my sides for the better part of two weeks and had me take a deep breath in and exhale for five counts.  During the exhale she pulled the tube, and I felt it uncoil inside of me - it was such a crazy cool feeling.  Removing the tape hurt worse than having the tubes pulled out, so when she moved on to do the left side I was feeling awesome.  I was able to hold in my excited screaming until we got to the car, which I'm sure Jason appreciated (sarcasm font). 

I have dinner plans with girlfriends but you better believe the second I get home that shower is mine, and I'm probably going to stay in there for a half hour at the very least.  Ohh sweet water, sweet shampoo and conditioner, how I've missed you!!

Over it

SO over these stupid drains.  It has been 12 days since I've taken a proper shower and these tubes coming out of the sides of me are driving me nuts!  Now that I'm feeling a little better, I've been going out in public a little more and wearing a fannie pack with pockets of puss and blood inside isn't exactly stylish for a gal my age.  I've tried pinning the bags to the insides of my clothes/dresses but there's no hiding these ridiculous things. 

Tonight I needed 15cc's or less on each side, followed by a repeat performance tomorrow morning.  Just now I was at 37 and 32.  Not cutting it.  Jason's trying to be positive, saying things like, "maybe by Wednesday" but oh. my. gosh.  I thought getting through the weekend was going to be tough.  I don't think I can do this for much more.  I'm considering canceling my appointment all together tomorrow; they'll tell me to come back in a few days.  Waste of time if you ask me.

Guhh!

Non-Independence

It's been a week - I would've written sooner, but between nurses checking on me every 2 hours at the hospital, my mom and Jason fussing over me while at home those first few days, and the endless visits and phone calls from my family/friends since then, I feel like I haven't had time!  That sounds absolutely crazy since I'm not working and other than a doctor appointment and a trip to the market (I had to bust out some tears to convince Jason I was ready for an outing), I haven't gone anywhere.

I blame the naps.  Everything makes me tired.  While in the hospital the nurses were adamant about taking walks around the halls, so now that I'm home, I've been continuing those walks and I come home pooped!  The only movie I've watched in its entirety is the Little Mermaid, an 85-minute movie, and I think it was the adorable laughter of my niece Cecilia and nephew Josh that kept me awake for it.  Oh well, napping seems to be pretty nice; I can do it whenever I want and I usually feel pretty good after.  

My first walk post-op! Don't you just love the leg compressors AND grippy socks?

 Let's go back to last week so you can get the gory details of my surgery.  The day before, Tuesday, I was a ball of nerves.  Twitching and mind racing and just not doing very well.  Wednesday morning I did VERY well.  We got to the Breast Cancer suite right on time.  They had me change from the waist up into one of their luxurious gowns and head into the same room I had my biopsy in.  Jason and our bags were with me at this point and there was some delay in the injection they were going to use on me so we waited.  And waited waited waited.  Calmly might I add.  Finally they came in and injected me with a radio-active solution that Dr. Sanan would use to help find any stray cancer cells while he was operating on me. Included in the solution was something called lidocaine, which made my breasts numb.  A quick shot in each side and we were good to go.

Next we took a walk down to where the pre-op rooms were. After a bit more waiting, a nurse stood in front of me and asked if I was ready.  Lady I was BORN ready! She brought me into my own pre-op room and asked me to change into a purple gown, this time all other clothes gone. I was folding my pants and putting them into a plastic bag when Dr. Heinrich came in.  She made all of the markings the Dr. Sanan would follow during surgery and made me feel excited about the new boobs I'll have someday.

The nurse comes back in and as she asks me the health questions I've been asked all week (they type my answers into their database as they ask them, why is it that that no one seems to ever see them?) as a second nurse attempted to get an IV going on the top of my right hand.  She has a hard time with it, says my vein disappeared (huh?) and goes for one on my mid-forearm.  The nurses both leave and my family are finally able to come in now.  It's Jason, my mom, sisters and brother and I all smashed into this tiny little room but we make it work.  We crack jokes and once the anesthesiologist comes in we're almost having a good time.  She gives me something that makes me feel all goofy and I say goodbyes to my family.

Next I'm wheeled through hallways and into the operating room.  They transfer me to the operating bed and next thing I know, I'm out.  There was no counting down from a hundred, no "think happy thoughts" order, just sleep.  My guess is that, unknowingly to me, they injected my IV with something.  Fine by me!  I got to skip the anticipation and anxiety of the what if questions.  I wake up 6-7 hours later in the recovery room.  When I say wake up, I mean dozing, but I could hear myself snoring so that woke me up every time I started to doze. Dr. Sanan came in to check on me and said that everything went great and I finally got the go ahead to see my family!

I'm unhooked from a bunch of tubes and monitors and wheeled through the hallway, at the end of which I make out my mom, dad, sister and brother.  I gave them a little parade beauty-queen wave and then I'm in my room with a few nurses.  They transferred me over to my bed and got me all comfortable and finally let my family in.  At this point I'm super dozy and have zero recollection to what we discussed.  All I wanted was to sleep so when my eyes started drooping, they all (except Jason) went home.

Throughout that first night I'm woken up every two hours to take meds, have my blood pressure measured, my temperature taken and my oxygen levels looked at.  The machine that monitored my oxygen would go nuts every time I would finally drift off (deeper breathing = less oxygen) so they swapped me with something else.  I have these awesome (I wish I had a sarcasm font to use here) drain tubes that are removing the excess blood/puss from my wounds so we were emptying those every couple hours too.

These aren't MY drain bags, but they're exactly like the ones I had. 
I used black and white because to be honest, the liquid inside is pretty nasty!

The next few days/nights I had a few visitors and my mom/Jason took turns staying the night with me.  Its all a blur because I was sleeping so much of the time.  When I finally got the "go" to go home on Saturday the 29th I was the happiest girl ever!  My bed at home is definitely not as easy to maneuver in and out of as the bed in the hospital, but I can walk around topless here without anyone giving me dirty looks.  I'm not allowed to shower so I've been going through packs of baby wipes and we still have those drains to take care of.

The results are exactly what I was expecting - I have a 3-4" incision on each breast that's all stitched together and no nipples on either side.  The tissue expanders and drainage tubes give the appearance of a really botched boob job.  They're rock hard and the tubes look like veins sticking out (I'll spare you all a picture of that).  I wasn't looking for perfection at this stage and am happy I don't have to wear an uncomfortable bra or tons of gauze to cover the incisions (The zip up camisole I brought to the hospital?  Totally uncomfortable and haven't worn it once).  I think once I get the drain tubes out they'll look a little more normal (or at least normal for a girl who just had a bilateral mastectomy) and as I expand the balloons, they'll get better and better.  No more of this "A" cup I'm at right now :) 

I've been able to relax a little, and wanted to include pictures of some of my favorite things (among many many others) that were gifted to me and have kept me calm and comfortable during my time at home.  I recommend all of the products below, whether you're dealing with an illness or not - they're all fantastic!

From top left: Aveda's Blue Oil, a tuberose magnolia candle, eucalyptus spearmint pillow mist
from Bath & Body Works, and the softest button up jammies from Victoria's Secret

My time at home has been interesting so far.  Like I said earlier, I've had a few visitors and if anyone knows me, I like to have a tidy house before anyone comes over.  It's not difficult to keep a tidy house, just basically picking up after yourself, but when Jason doesn't allow me to do anything (beside the pain, the most difficult part of recovery), the house is less tidy than I like.  At least it has been decorated with a dozen vases of gorgeous flowers from my lovely brood of family and friends wishing me a speedy recovery!

I wish I would've taken more photos of the flowers :(  These are from my dad the Schober's

I put on a pair of jeans yesterday that indicated that I am, in fact, getting fat from wearing all of these stretch pants and comfortable clothes and eating all of the delicious treats my friends are bringing over.  I had a breakdown at that realization.  With no ability to work out (other than my short walks), I'll need to limit my food intake to strictly healthy foods, which is not my forte.  I work out for the sole purpose of eating treats.


The hair front has been quite interesting as well.  I have a lot of it and Jason's not exactly what I'd call an expert at taming it.  My sister washed it for me last night and we let it air-dry, so I'm going to bend the rules today and try to get it into a decent-looking ponytail this afternoon. Wish me luck!

I think today we're going to head out at my brother-in-law's parents house for a little bit.  They have a pool in their backyard that I won't be able to swim in, but at the very least I can put my legs in and pretend I'm swimming.  Later I'm bound and determined to see the fireworks so I'm hoping we can find a spot that's easy to get to and won't jostle me around too much.  I'm also hoping that I stay awake long enough for them!  Happy 4th all!

Surgery Day

It's finally here.  I can't say that I'm excited, but I'm very happy we're getting the show on the road and I don't have to spend any more days with it consuming my thoughts.  The next time I wake up, I'll be cancer free :)

I wasn't impressed with myself yesterday.  I was at work wrapping up everything for the next couple weeks and surgery is all I could think about.  I got to the point where I couldn't stop moving, I was almost twitchy.  I broke down on the phone with my dad for a little bit before heading to Erin & Rob's for a family dinner.  The mood there was quiet; I think everyone was feeling the nerves I have.

On the way home Jason and I were completely silent in the car.  There's nothing that can be said at this point to make either of us feel better.  I'm afraid of the pain I'll have in the next couple days and he's afraid something will go wrong with surgery (that's one thing I'm NOT afraid of - my surgeons are awesome).  When we got home, we both just started doing stuff - me inside and Jason outside - to pass the time.  Until this experience I've never been a stress cleaner, but it's been a fabulous distraction.

After crossing off all of the things on my to-do list (extra long for this extra stressful week and a half), I got to packing.  Here's an inside peek at the wardrobe I'll be rocking in the next couple days:

• My awesome post-surgery zip up camisole, complete with pouches for the drain bags
• Grannie panties
• Tube top swimsuit coverups
• Leggings
• Moccassins
• Wrap sweaters and zip-up hoodies
• Cloth headbands

I also threw in a few extra items for my sanity:

• Baby wipes
• Cleansing facial wipes
• Makeup (I'm so vain)
• A brush
• Burt's Bees Rejuvenating Lip Balm
• Throat lozenges (I read that they're helpful)
• A Kindle

My little overnight bag is filled to the brim but I don't care :)

This morning I'm nervous but calm (does that make sense?).  My stomach is churning but I don't feel like I have a panic attack coming on.  It's all out of my hands now, and I need to stay confident that things will be just fine.  Yes the next couple weeks will be hard, but the cancer-free result will make it so worth while.

There's no way I could've gotten through the last week and a half without my family and friends so here's a thank you: the support, love and encouragement you've given me played a tremendous part in my positive attitude.  The dinner, treats, movies, magazines, pedicure, gift basket and clothing are all completely unnecessary, but I appreciate every last bit and will utilize it all in my recovery.

My Jason: This has been an experience I never wanted us to go through.  When I look back at two weeks ago, I see two dumb kids with nothing but a backyard full of weeds to worry about.  Ignorance really was bliss.  There's no other person I would want by my side right now.  You've kept my feet on the ground (we all know how my imagination and hypothetical thinking can get the best of me) and you've been such a solid person to lean on when I need to break down.  Your love is so evident and your calmness is so soothing.  I love you so very much and can never thank you enough for your drop-everything attitude, pre-bedtime "wake me up if you can't sleep" offers to talk, and care I know you'll give me in these next few weeks.

I'm going to be just fine.

This might be it for a few days.  Keep the positive, healing vibes coming my way and I'll be sure to give you an update on how awesome it is having draining tubes coming out of me.