Blah

Technical Error #2: This was supposed to post yesterday afternoon. I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much more optimistic today :) Thank you exercise-induced endorphins!

Technical Error #1: Adding to my blah attitude (described below), I'd just written a B+ post that pin-pointed exactly how I'm feeling today, and then 1-2-3 it disappeared. Awesome.

Anyway (I'll try to re-create it before I forget), have you ever felt down, and not for any particular reason? That's me today. We've been getting bits and pieces of bad news from/about people we love (not life/death or cancer bad news, don't worry) and I'm getting to the point where my frustration is so strong I can feel it in my bones. It's affecting my personality and my typically-cheerful self isn't overcoming the feelings. As I write this, in my head I can hear Jason say "you can't focus on the negative things that are happening, think of all of the positives instead" (oh Jas, you're so wise). If only it were that easy.

"I'd look on the bright side... if I could find it." -Eeyore

I need sunshine or something; some vitamin D. I hate feeling this way, especially since I was beyond words to describe how happy I was to see 2013 go. This year was supposed to be 365 days of celebration, and not just waking up and being thankful I'm here either. I'm talking fireworks. We're here, we're young, we're healthy and we have so many great things ahead of us. Twenty-two days in and it feels like 2013 hasn't quite ended yet. 

Go away bad news, you jerk. You're ruining 2014.

One Step Back

Day five of being a cancer patient and I’ve finally hit a wall.  It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, even when getting good tidbits of news here and there.  It’s so funny how some people in my life never had opinions about my breasts and now all of a sudden they do, and aren’t holding back their thoughts.  Yes it may seem drastic to go with the double mastectomy to some people, but they’re not the ones sitting in the chair listening to test results or the statistics from the board certified specialists I’m seeing.  And did I mention, it’s not their breasts we’re going to cut off?  They’re mine, and I think that as a 28-year-old informed, capable adult I have all the right in the world to do whatever I want with them.  I’m going forward with the procedure and I feel 100% confident in that decision.

Will I have kids someday?  I hope to God that I do.  Does that mean mentioning it to my oncologist?  Obviously.  I don’t want to take medicines now that will mess up my uterus or eggs so I’m sterile at the end of this.  Don’t you think the doctors look at my chart, then look at the fact that I’m a happily married 28-year-old and wonder if I’ve thought of having children (it says that I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins in my list of current medicines for crying out loud!)?  They’re bound to start asking those questions, I literally just haven’t had a chance to meet the oncologist yet. The surgeon doesn’t care, neither does the plastic surgeon or the lady at prosthetics. 

Do I know what my insurance deductibles are?  No, I’ve never had anything more than a couple wisdom teeth pulled.  Does that worry me?  Not at all.  Why not?  Because there’s nothing I can do about it at this point.  If it’s $3000, okay.  We’ll have to pay $3000 for this fucked up experience.  If it’s more or less, we’ll pay that too.  I can’t change it and I have too many other things to worry about than to focus on money.

I love you friends and family and I’m so very thankful for your tips and extra questions to ask the doctors.  Please keep in mind though, that any comment that’s not completely positive or uplifting can and will likely be taken the wrong way in my current state of mind.