A Week By the Sea

Sorry for the lapse in writing; I have a good excuse - Jason and I have recently returned from a week-long trip to Mexico (Puerto Morelos to be exact)! We slept in, relaxed, read, drank margaritas and other exciting drinks, kayaked, soaked up sunshine, ate fish tacos, walked the beach, learned about the ancient Mayan culture, swam, and overall had an amazing time! We needed the break more than I'd expected!

Right to left, top to bottom: Our first drinks (at the airport - c'mon give us a break, it'd snowed 6" in MN while we were leaving that morning!), my first glimpse of the ocean, the first meat I'd eaten in over 2 months, a jellyfish shot.

View from the pool and the beautiful beach in front of our resort.

Ruins, and the most beautiful beach I've ever seen!

Obsessed

The sunrise on the day we left. I may have teared up a little (no judging).

One Step Closer...

...to being a full-fledged vegetarian. We had two "meat days" this weekend and totally stuffed ourselves with chicken, beef and pepperoni (my favorite). I felt fine for the most part, but after eating the delicious cheese-stuffed burger I almost instantly felt sick. Maybe it was too much grease (Jason and I split a side of onion rings too), but maybe it was my stomach saying "no thanks" to the beef?  Who knows - we're back on a no-meat diet now until Sunday (which happens to be Superbowl Sunday), when we plan on saying au revoir to our favorite meat snacks. I'm feeling OK about it - like I've said to a few of my friends already, I don't really notice that we're not eating meat. I've also been getting oodles of recipes and advice from my vegetarian friends, so I think we'll be able to find yummy substitutes for our favorite foods that typically include meat.

...to eliminating night sweats. I attribute much of my success in this area to removing meat from my diet. I've been taking tamoxifen for almost six months now, and have had 4, maybe 5 nights of sleep where I didn't wake up once to a night sweat (In case you're wondering, night sweats are much worse than hot flashes; you wake up soaking, and even after changing in to dry jammies, you hop back into damp sheets. They're terribly unpleasant.). In the past week I've slept 4 or 5 nights all the way through. Do you know how wonderful it feels to have a full night of uninterrupted sleep?! Glorious - almost to the extent that I can hear angels sing as my alarm goes off each morning.

...to getting my sun-shiny, positive, cheerful self back. Yesterday I started taking a multivitamin that packs a Vitamin D punch. I'm confident it'll get my energy level back up and kick my Debby Downer attitude to the frozen curb. I'm also keeping up my gym habit; last week I signed up for a 5K in April and I'm determined to run the entire thing. It's 3.1 miles, I'm sure I can do it (plus, I have lots of time to work my way up)!

Weekend Update

I had a post-op appointment on Thursday with Dr. Heinrich, who was pleased with how my healing is coming along. The swelling I saw just a few days after surgery is almost completely gone (as is the bruising), and the best part of all: I can sleep on my side again! After 4.5 months of sleeping on my back, I've finally made it through a few nights of not waking up at once or twice during my (when I'm lucky) 7 hours. Also, Jason can finally spoon me again! It's glorious :)

Dr. Heinrich also cleared me for physical activity so my sister Rachel and I took a lap around Lake Como to celebrate (I was allowed to walk before, but we were short on time).

Teaser for later in the week: Patient Advisory Committee

Post-Op

I made it through; surgery Wednesday morning went fine (although we started an hour late; drivers in MN always forget how to drive on the day of the first snow, and Dr. Heinrich was stuck behind a few accidents on her way in). I woke up after the surgery super fast, ate a few graham crackers and I was on my way home. Jason got me set up in bed and I happily slept my way through the afternoon/early evening. My sister Rachel stopped by later in the evening and we chatted for awhile, and I was back to bed around 10:00.

With all of the excitement over the past days, weeks, months leading up to Wednesday, I'd neglected to really imagine what these first couple days with my new boobs would be like. I'd envisioned beautiful, perky new boobs that look great no matter what I'm wearing. When I finally got the "go" to remove the dressing yesterday, I had quite the reality check: they're swollen, still marked-up from the morning of the surgery (even after taking a shower), and are looking a little lumpy.  They're much softer than the tissue expanders, but I almost prefer how they looked Tuesday to what they look like now :(

I'm trying really really hard to remind myself that the swelling is expected to last a few weeks; that somehow, under the "mess" I'm seeing, there's a very nice set of reconstructed breasts. I'm on the same meds as I was on for surgery #1, which means about 30-45 minutes of awake time to 3-4 hours of sleeping.  I'm not sleeping through the night, and not because of the pain, but because I think my body is just done being rested.

I had a lovely parade of visitors yesterday and I felt great (although drugged) to be in their company again, but now today I'm feeling emotional; sad that things aren't looking the way I'd imagined.  I don't want to do another surgery, but then I don't want to look like this for the rest of my life either. Keeping ice packs near me non-stop; I'm determined to minimize this swelling sooner than later.

Hot Hot Hot!

Going to make this short and sweet since I'm in a bit of pain and my head is spinning!  I had my sixth and final expansion this morning!  Woo hoooo!  So very exciting :) No more weekly appointments and days of nausea from the pain meds.  All I have to do is wait wait wait (patiently, of course) for New Boobs Day to roll around (76 days) and I'll be on my way to my new old self.

I was right about the hot flashes last week; they've officially begun.  It's been quite a hot and humid week so it's not helping, and I've been waking up 3-4 times a night overheating and uncomfortable.  I'm exhausted!  I'll try to roll over on my stomach (no way, ouch!) or side, (again, ouch) to air out my back but that hasn't been seeming to work all that well. I'm keeping on with the flax seed though; I know it'll kick in one of these days and it won't be so bad anymore.  I'm meeting with my oncologist in two weeks to check in on how the Tamoxifen is going, and I have a list of vitamins that are supposed to help the flashes that I'm going to run by him.  Until then, it's a hot child in the city!

Oooofta

Talk about jumping back into work.  Before I went out for my surgery 6 weeks ago, my goal was to attend and work the event in Duluth.  I did it, but holy cow did it wear me out!  The early morning hours and longer-than-normal days totally took a toll on me and I was a major grouch last night (sorry Jas)!

It was awesome being back in Duluth again, even if I was working most of the time.  We went to all of the places that have become my favorite after years of visiting Rachel while she lived there.  Sunday was my favorite: we started the "vacation" by hiking at Gooseberry Falls, then had dinner at Hanabi and took a cruise of the harbor on the Vista Star.  Monday I was so exhausted after work that we had dinner at the Anchor Bar in Superior (best burger in MN, in my opinion), and passed out at the hotel by 10pm.  After a long and successful day yesterday, we stopped by Grandma's for an unwind beer before hitting up Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and starting the trip home.

Some snapshots from our trip

It was so nice to get away for a little bit!  Now that I'm back I need to be in full-speed-ahead mode but I think my refreshed brain is ready for it :)

No new news on the cancer-front, other than the fact that I found an email in my work inbox today that I sent the morning of my diagnosis.  I get nervous all over again thinking about that day :(  Good news: no sign of side effects from the tamoxifen yet (knock on wood); watch, now that I've said that I'll get hot flashes all day haha!

Talk About Pain...

So last night I mentioned being in pain from the first expansion.  It got much, much worse from the time I made the post.  I somehow got myself to a lying down position on our bed, bawling, and was attempting some of the stretches I learned in PT (hey, the drugs weren't working so I had to exhaust all avenues) while Jason was Googling to see if others had had a similar reaction to their first expansion.  They did. 

The stabbing pain I was feeling in my ribs was normal; we found out the a lot of surgeons will sew the breast muscle to the ribs, so of course, when the muscle expands (because of the tissue expanders underneath) it pulls the ribs, making them feel like they're slowly breaking.  How nice right?  I broke down and took more of my meds (I've been trying to take less than I need - who needs all of these drugs in their system?) which helped me sleep.

I woke up this morning and just laid in bed, dreading sitting up (by far the most painful thing I do every day) and finally I gave myself the 1-2-3 and I was up. I took meds immediately and over the past two hours, they've kicked in enough to allow me to take a shower (a very slow and careful one at that).  I'm planning on taking it easy today; maybe doing my stretches a few times but other than that, I don't think I can handle much more :(

Non-Independence

It's been a week - I would've written sooner, but between nurses checking on me every 2 hours at the hospital, my mom and Jason fussing over me while at home those first few days, and the endless visits and phone calls from my family/friends since then, I feel like I haven't had time!  That sounds absolutely crazy since I'm not working and other than a doctor appointment and a trip to the market (I had to bust out some tears to convince Jason I was ready for an outing), I haven't gone anywhere.

I blame the naps.  Everything makes me tired.  While in the hospital the nurses were adamant about taking walks around the halls, so now that I'm home, I've been continuing those walks and I come home pooped!  The only movie I've watched in its entirety is the Little Mermaid, an 85-minute movie, and I think it was the adorable laughter of my niece Cecilia and nephew Josh that kept me awake for it.  Oh well, napping seems to be pretty nice; I can do it whenever I want and I usually feel pretty good after.  

My first walk post-op! Don't you just love the leg compressors AND grippy socks?

 Let's go back to last week so you can get the gory details of my surgery.  The day before, Tuesday, I was a ball of nerves.  Twitching and mind racing and just not doing very well.  Wednesday morning I did VERY well.  We got to the Breast Cancer suite right on time.  They had me change from the waist up into one of their luxurious gowns and head into the same room I had my biopsy in.  Jason and our bags were with me at this point and there was some delay in the injection they were going to use on me so we waited.  And waited waited waited.  Calmly might I add.  Finally they came in and injected me with a radio-active solution that Dr. Sanan would use to help find any stray cancer cells while he was operating on me. Included in the solution was something called lidocaine, which made my breasts numb.  A quick shot in each side and we were good to go.

Next we took a walk down to where the pre-op rooms were. After a bit more waiting, a nurse stood in front of me and asked if I was ready.  Lady I was BORN ready! She brought me into my own pre-op room and asked me to change into a purple gown, this time all other clothes gone. I was folding my pants and putting them into a plastic bag when Dr. Heinrich came in.  She made all of the markings the Dr. Sanan would follow during surgery and made me feel excited about the new boobs I'll have someday.

The nurse comes back in and as she asks me the health questions I've been asked all week (they type my answers into their database as they ask them, why is it that that no one seems to ever see them?) as a second nurse attempted to get an IV going on the top of my right hand.  She has a hard time with it, says my vein disappeared (huh?) and goes for one on my mid-forearm.  The nurses both leave and my family are finally able to come in now.  It's Jason, my mom, sisters and brother and I all smashed into this tiny little room but we make it work.  We crack jokes and once the anesthesiologist comes in we're almost having a good time.  She gives me something that makes me feel all goofy and I say goodbyes to my family.

Next I'm wheeled through hallways and into the operating room.  They transfer me to the operating bed and next thing I know, I'm out.  There was no counting down from a hundred, no "think happy thoughts" order, just sleep.  My guess is that, unknowingly to me, they injected my IV with something.  Fine by me!  I got to skip the anticipation and anxiety of the what if questions.  I wake up 6-7 hours later in the recovery room.  When I say wake up, I mean dozing, but I could hear myself snoring so that woke me up every time I started to doze. Dr. Sanan came in to check on me and said that everything went great and I finally got the go ahead to see my family!

I'm unhooked from a bunch of tubes and monitors and wheeled through the hallway, at the end of which I make out my mom, dad, sister and brother.  I gave them a little parade beauty-queen wave and then I'm in my room with a few nurses.  They transferred me over to my bed and got me all comfortable and finally let my family in.  At this point I'm super dozy and have zero recollection to what we discussed.  All I wanted was to sleep so when my eyes started drooping, they all (except Jason) went home.

Throughout that first night I'm woken up every two hours to take meds, have my blood pressure measured, my temperature taken and my oxygen levels looked at.  The machine that monitored my oxygen would go nuts every time I would finally drift off (deeper breathing = less oxygen) so they swapped me with something else.  I have these awesome (I wish I had a sarcasm font to use here) drain tubes that are removing the excess blood/puss from my wounds so we were emptying those every couple hours too.

These aren't MY drain bags, but they're exactly like the ones I had. 
I used black and white because to be honest, the liquid inside is pretty nasty!

The next few days/nights I had a few visitors and my mom/Jason took turns staying the night with me.  Its all a blur because I was sleeping so much of the time.  When I finally got the "go" to go home on Saturday the 29th I was the happiest girl ever!  My bed at home is definitely not as easy to maneuver in and out of as the bed in the hospital, but I can walk around topless here without anyone giving me dirty looks.  I'm not allowed to shower so I've been going through packs of baby wipes and we still have those drains to take care of.

The results are exactly what I was expecting - I have a 3-4" incision on each breast that's all stitched together and no nipples on either side.  The tissue expanders and drainage tubes give the appearance of a really botched boob job.  They're rock hard and the tubes look like veins sticking out (I'll spare you all a picture of that).  I wasn't looking for perfection at this stage and am happy I don't have to wear an uncomfortable bra or tons of gauze to cover the incisions (The zip up camisole I brought to the hospital?  Totally uncomfortable and haven't worn it once).  I think once I get the drain tubes out they'll look a little more normal (or at least normal for a girl who just had a bilateral mastectomy) and as I expand the balloons, they'll get better and better.  No more of this "A" cup I'm at right now :) 

I've been able to relax a little, and wanted to include pictures of some of my favorite things (among many many others) that were gifted to me and have kept me calm and comfortable during my time at home.  I recommend all of the products below, whether you're dealing with an illness or not - they're all fantastic!

From top left: Aveda's Blue Oil, a tuberose magnolia candle, eucalyptus spearmint pillow mist
from Bath & Body Works, and the softest button up jammies from Victoria's Secret

My time at home has been interesting so far.  Like I said earlier, I've had a few visitors and if anyone knows me, I like to have a tidy house before anyone comes over.  It's not difficult to keep a tidy house, just basically picking up after yourself, but when Jason doesn't allow me to do anything (beside the pain, the most difficult part of recovery), the house is less tidy than I like.  At least it has been decorated with a dozen vases of gorgeous flowers from my lovely brood of family and friends wishing me a speedy recovery!

I wish I would've taken more photos of the flowers :(  These are from my dad the Schober's

I put on a pair of jeans yesterday that indicated that I am, in fact, getting fat from wearing all of these stretch pants and comfortable clothes and eating all of the delicious treats my friends are bringing over.  I had a breakdown at that realization.  With no ability to work out (other than my short walks), I'll need to limit my food intake to strictly healthy foods, which is not my forte.  I work out for the sole purpose of eating treats.


The hair front has been quite interesting as well.  I have a lot of it and Jason's not exactly what I'd call an expert at taming it.  My sister washed it for me last night and we let it air-dry, so I'm going to bend the rules today and try to get it into a decent-looking ponytail this afternoon. Wish me luck!

I think today we're going to head out at my brother-in-law's parents house for a little bit.  They have a pool in their backyard that I won't be able to swim in, but at the very least I can put my legs in and pretend I'm swimming.  Later I'm bound and determined to see the fireworks so I'm hoping we can find a spot that's easy to get to and won't jostle me around too much.  I'm also hoping that I stay awake long enough for them!  Happy 4th all!

Feeling Slightly Normal

​I told a few more people about my situation today.  I swear, the more I talk about it the better I feel.  It doesn’t change what’s happening inside of me (the cancer part) but mentally it’s such a relief to have others bear the weight with me (sorry friends and family!).

Talking with Deb helps so much - she's open and willing to share her experiences and helps me understand what I can expect for the surgery and my recovery.  She's given me a better understanding of the limitations I'll have when I get home from the hospital, and although I'm not looking forward to them, I think knowing what to expect will prepare me mentally/emotionally.

After our long day yesterday (we went to Rock the Garden and then an after show at 1st Ave) I was exhausted.  I slept for eight and a half glorious uninterrupted hours, woke up and went for a run, showered, made a quick Target stop and made my way to Faribault.  Sounds pretty much like any other day huh​?  ​I refuse to let cancer disrupt my life.

Jason and I at top; Missy (a great friend from high school) and I at the bottom left,
and then Joelle (a great friend from college) at the bottom right.

I had a very successful talk with my dad, who I was super nervous to talk to about it all.  His mother passed away from colon cancer when he was a little boy and I think all he knows of cancer is that people don’t survive it.  Until me, muahahaha!  He was encouraging and positive and asked questions and seemed to be doing ok.  Of course that didn’t stop me from calling Adam on my way back to St. Paul to have him check in with Dad in the next day or so.  Everyone needs to be checked on once in awhile. 

Waking up early for the MRI tomorrow morning to see if there are any additional hot spots in my breasts/armpits.  Hoping to get a little more information about my schedule of appointments in the next week too.  Let’s get surgery on the books please!!