November 5

It's the night before my second (and hopefully last) surgery; a day I've been looking forward to since I heard the dreaded "you have cancer" diagnosis from my surgeon. I'm finally here at the finish line; tomorrow's surgery is the last big step in getting rid of the cancer and getting me back to "normal." From here on out (God willing), the only thought of this experience will be the tiny little white pill (tamoxifen) I take each night before bed.

I went back and read some of my early blog posts and I'm so happy that I decided to write all of this down.  Somehow I'd forgotten things, major things, that were a necessary part of the process (i.e. the dread I felt when telling my family and friends the diagnosis; the crazy sensation of drain tubes being removed, etc.).  There's good and bad there - I don't want to forget all that I've been through because it reminds me of how strong I am, but I think time is softening the details a little (maybe a coping mechanism?). I have to say though - the time leading up to surgery #1 was way scarier than the time leading up to surgery #2.  I'm not twitching right now, and I'm 91% calm and collected (the list of things to stress-clean tonight is much shorter than last time ha).

I've come a very long way and have been through hell. I hate that I know so much about the disease, that being pricked with needles has become routine, and that I'm part of a "club" I never wanted to join. I'm ready to not be terrified when wondering if the cancer will come back (something that might take years to get over); to not wake up in pain because I'd accidentally rolled onto my side in my sleep; to feel confident in my clothes again. I am so ready.  

Cancer, you've been a very unwelcome shadow in my life for too long.  You've ruined the plans I had for starting a family (right now, anyway), you've given me physical and emotional scars that will never go away and you've been a major contributor to an already terrible year. You've shown me paralyzing fear in the "ignorance is bliss" life I'd been living. Any tears I might cry will be out of joy at your absence; please never return.

TGIF

I've survived my first week back in the office.  Of course, it wasn't a full week there, just 3 days, but it's a start!  I also have some pretty exciting news: New Boobs Day is officially happening on Wednesday, November 6th (only 82 days!).  I can't wait to get these rock-hard, uneven, armpit-bags outta here and some pretty new softies put in.  I don't even care that I'll have to go through more pain; it'll just bring me one step closer to feeling normal again! I've been told that this surgery is much easier than the one I had in June; I won't have any overnights in the hospital and I'll be back to work in the office within days of the operation.  Awesome!  I'll have (I do already!) so much to be grateful for at Thanksgiving!

My expansion yesterday went really well - getting a needle through a bruise didn't hurt as badly as I imagined it would, and I'm slightly less sore this week than I remember being last week. The ride to WI last night went fine too.  Something's up today though; I feel nauseous and have a slight headache.  I took the same dosage of pain meds I've been taking during the last couple expansions, but I have a feeling they have something to do with how I'm feeling.  I'm considering not keeping up with them today - I'd rather deal with the pain on it's own than this sick feeling I have right now. 
 

View from the passenger seat: a hot air balloon just as we got into Wisconsin.

I also think that the hot flashes have started (of course, it's a beautiful 75 and sunny right now, so that might have something to do with it).  They're nothing terrible, but I'll get super hot and take off the tshirt or sweatshirt I'm wearing, then I'll get super cold and have to put everything back on.  It's happening maybe once an hour, and I don't think they're intense as I imagined they'd be.  If this is it, I'll totally be able to handle it for the next 5 years.  I've been adding ground flax seed (thank you Joelle!) to my food and my mother-in-law Barbie just suggested incorporating more soy into my diet to minimize the flashes.  I'm totally up for trying any natural remedies, especially if they're healthy in other aspects too!

Expansions

What a great weekend!  We were busy, but not as much as a typical weekend when the Schober's are in town.  They're such a great source of support and love; Todd was his usual sassy self and Barbie was a doting mother-in-law with an eagle eye for me the entire time.  Love them! 

Although I thought we played it pretty easy, I'm exhausted today.  I slept late and woke up hot and crabby, that is until we had breakfast in a nice air-conditioned restaurant nearby.  And get this: I drove today!  For the first time in 20 days I drove a car!  I didn't make it very far, just to a gas station a few blocks away, but it's a start!  It was still just a little too painful to pull the steering wheel and I'm hesitant and slow which isn't good when driving in the hussle-bustle of the city.  I think I'll give it another couple days before trying again.  It'd be amazing to have the freedom of driving again; it's awful having to rely on others for rides.  I feel like such an inconvenience sometimes!

This afternoon we met with Dr. Heinrich who (thankfully) drained out another couple large-syringes of fluid that had collected under my skin.  It's so gross; I'm so relieved that it's gone.  It's jiggly and uncomfortable and I hate having it!  Jason and I didn't think this would happen too, but she wanted to expand me today as well!  After we got rid of the nasty fluid, she asked me to lay back on the table.  She took out her magnet and found the ports into my tissue expanders, then marked the spot on each side with a blue X.

Her assistant (didn't catch her name), on my right, and Dr. Heinrich, on my left injected me at the same time.  First, 25 cc's.  Then, when I said I wasn't really feeling a change, they added another 25 cc's.  It was CRAZY watching my "breasts" get bigger right before my eyes.  It was like puberty in fast-forward.  Sitting up I felt an enormous amount of pressure in my chest, and since getting home, have felt sort of a stabbing pain right down the center of me that pulses each time I expand my chest to breathe. I'm on as much medication as I'm able to take and I'd say my pain level is at a 7.  It hurts bad.  Almost as bad as those first few days after surgery.  I think I need to hold off next time and only do 25 cc's :( 

Pins and Needles

Now that my awful drains are out and I'm showering a ton, I've noticed that I've started getting more and more feeling back in the incisions.  I imagined that if I did get any feeling back, it'd be normal, skin and tissue feeling, or whatever I was feeling before surgery.  I was WAY wrong; I've been getting these super intense minute-long episodes where it feels like I'm being poked with a needle straight through the nipple (if I had one).  It's crazy and totally takes my breath away.  Of course I've checked it out and it's called phantom pain.  I'll have to figure out how to deal with it because man, I can't be going through that all the time!

We met with Dr. Sanan yesterday and I totally had a breakdown in the examination room.  C'mon, you can't ask a gal in my position "how have you been feeling" after the last three weeks I've had.  I blame PMS.