I know I've written about this before and it probably sounds like I'm complaining, but keeping in mind the fact that I'm hoping to help others, I'm writing this for more for educational purposes (I just love how I justify my complaining ha!).
I think the tamoxifen has finally kicked into high gear; the hot flashes have gotten a bit better (or is it the major drop in temperatures we've had the past week?) and my periods have been further spread out than usual. I'm so happy the flashes have gotten better on their own; my oncologist had suggested I try an anti-depressant to keep them under control, and I politely declined. Not the right option for me - I'm not a fan of covering up side effects with another drug that could give me more/worse side effects. I still have them, just not as frequently and they're not as intense.
It's a good thing too, because when they're bad, all I can do to keep my sanity is stop what I'm doing, roll up my sleeves and pants, take off my shoes, and fan myself with something. I'm sure my co-workers think I'm nuts, but it makes them tolerable. Once the flash is over, I get a sweet case of the chills from my body trying to balance out the change in temperature.
I should be assigned my own weatherman, sheesh! Mantra: having flashes is better than having cancer. Repeat 400 times.
NBD: 14 days away!
Showing posts with label No Sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label No Sleep. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Non-Independence
It's been a week - I would've written sooner, but between nurses checking on me every 2 hours at the hospital, my mom and Jason fussing over me while at home those first few days, and the endless visits and phone calls from my family/friends since then, I feel like I haven't had time! That sounds absolutely crazy since I'm not working and other than a doctor appointment and a trip to the market (I had to bust out some tears to convince Jason I was ready for an outing), I haven't gone anywhere.
I blame the naps. Everything makes me tired. While in the hospital the nurses were adamant about taking walks around the halls, so now that I'm home, I've been continuing those walks and I come home pooped! The only movie I've watched in its entirety is the Little Mermaid, an 85-minute movie, and I think it was the adorable laughter of my niece Cecilia and nephew Josh that kept me awake for it. Oh well, napping seems to be pretty nice; I can do it whenever I want and I usually feel pretty good after.
Let's go back to last week so you can get the gory details of my surgery. The day before, Tuesday, I was a ball of nerves. Twitching and mind racing and just not doing very well. Wednesday morning I did VERY well. We got to the Breast Cancer suite right on time. They had me change from the waist up into one of their luxurious gowns and head into the same room I had my biopsy in. Jason and our bags were with me at this point and there was some delay in the injection they were going to use on me so we waited. And waited waited waited. Calmly might I add. Finally they came in and injected me with a radio-active solution that Dr. Sanan would use to help find any stray cancer cells while he was operating on me. Included in the solution was something called lidocaine, which made my breasts numb. A quick shot in each side and we were good to go.
Next we took a walk down to where the pre-op rooms were. After a bit more waiting, a nurse stood in front of me and asked if I was ready. Lady I was BORN ready! She brought me into my own pre-op room and asked me to change into a purple gown, this time all other clothes gone. I was folding my pants and putting them into a plastic bag when Dr. Heinrich came in. She made all of the markings the Dr. Sanan would follow during surgery and made me feel excited about the new boobs I'll have someday.
The nurse comes back in and as she asks me the health questions I've been asked all week (they type my answers into their database as they ask them, why is it that that no one seems to ever see them?) as a second nurse attempted to get an IV going on the top of my right hand. She has a hard time with it, says my vein disappeared (huh?) and goes for one on my mid-forearm. The nurses both leave and my family are finally able to come in now. It's Jason, my mom, sisters and brother and I all smashed into this tiny little room but we make it work. We crack jokes and once the anesthesiologist comes in we're almost having a good time. She gives me something that makes me feel all goofy and I say goodbyes to my family.
Next I'm wheeled through hallways and into the operating room. They transfer me to the operating bed and next thing I know, I'm out. There was no counting down from a hundred, no "think happy thoughts" order, just sleep. My guess is that, unknowingly to me, they injected my IV with something. Fine by me! I got to skip the anticipation and anxiety of the what if questions. I wake up 6-7 hours later in the recovery room. When I say wake up, I mean dozing, but I could hear myself snoring so that woke me up every time I started to doze. Dr. Sanan came in to check on me and said that everything went great and I finally got the go ahead to see my family!
I'm unhooked from a bunch of tubes and monitors and wheeled through the hallway, at the end of which I make out my mom, dad, sister and brother. I gave them a little parade beauty-queen wave and then I'm in my room with a few nurses. They transferred me over to my bed and got me all comfortable and finally let my family in. At this point I'm super dozy and have zero recollection to what we discussed. All I wanted was to sleep so when my eyes started drooping, they all (except Jason) went home.
Throughout that first night I'm woken up every two hours to take meds, have my blood pressure measured, my temperature taken and my oxygen levels looked at. The machine that monitored my oxygen would go nuts every time I would finally drift off (deeper breathing = less oxygen) so they swapped me with something else. I have these awesome (I wish I had a sarcasm font to use here) drain tubes that are removing the excess blood/puss from my wounds so we were emptying those every couple hours too.
The next few days/nights I had a few visitors and my mom/Jason took turns staying the night with me. Its all a blur because I was sleeping so much of the time. When I finally got the "go" to go home on Saturday the 29th I was the happiest girl ever! My bed at home is definitely not as easy to maneuver in and out of as the bed in the hospital, but I can walk around topless here without anyone giving me dirty looks. I'm not allowed to shower so I've been going through packs of baby wipes and we still have those drains to take care of.
The results are exactly what I was expecting - I have a 3-4" incision on each breast that's all stitched together and no nipples on either side. The tissue expanders and drainage tubes give the appearance of a really botched boob job. They're rock hard and the tubes look like veins sticking out (I'll spare you all a picture of that). I wasn't looking for perfection at this stage and am happy I don't have to wear an uncomfortable bra or tons of gauze to cover the incisions (The zip up camisole I brought to the hospital? Totally uncomfortable and haven't worn it once). I think once I get the drain tubes out they'll look a little more normal (or at least normal for a girl who just had a bilateral mastectomy) and as I expand the balloons, they'll get better and better. No more of this "A" cup I'm at right now :)
I've been able to relax a little, and wanted to include pictures of some of my favorite things (among many many others) that were gifted to me and have kept me calm and comfortable during my time at home. I recommend all of the products below, whether you're dealing with an illness or not - they're all fantastic!
My time at home has been interesting so far. Like I said earlier, I've had a few visitors and if anyone knows me, I like to have a tidy house before anyone comes over. It's not difficult to keep a tidy house, just basically picking up after yourself, but when Jason doesn't allow me to do anything (beside the pain, the most difficult part of recovery), the house is less tidy than I like. At least it has been decorated with a dozen vases of gorgeous flowers from my lovely brood of family and friends wishing me a speedy recovery!
I put on a pair of jeans yesterday that indicated that I am, in fact, getting fat from wearing all of these stretch pants and comfortable clothes and eating all of the delicious treats my friends are bringing over. I had a breakdown at that realization. With no ability to work out (other than my short walks), I'll need to limit my food intake to strictly healthy foods, which is not my forte. I work out for the sole purpose of eating treats.
The hair front has been quite interesting as well. I have a lot of it and Jason's not exactly what I'd call an expert at taming it. My sister washed it for me last night and we let it air-dry, so I'm going to bend the rules today and try to get it into a decent-looking ponytail this afternoon. Wish me luck!
I think today we're going to head out at my brother-in-law's parents house for a little bit. They have a pool in their backyard that I won't be able to swim in, but at the very least I can put my legs in and pretend I'm swimming. Later I'm bound and determined to see the fireworks so I'm hoping we can find a spot that's easy to get to and won't jostle me around too much. I'm also hoping that I stay awake long enough for them! Happy 4th all!
I blame the naps. Everything makes me tired. While in the hospital the nurses were adamant about taking walks around the halls, so now that I'm home, I've been continuing those walks and I come home pooped! The only movie I've watched in its entirety is the Little Mermaid, an 85-minute movie, and I think it was the adorable laughter of my niece Cecilia and nephew Josh that kept me awake for it. Oh well, napping seems to be pretty nice; I can do it whenever I want and I usually feel pretty good after.
 |
| My first walk post-op! Don't you just love the leg compressors AND grippy socks? |
Next we took a walk down to where the pre-op rooms were. After a bit more waiting, a nurse stood in front of me and asked if I was ready. Lady I was BORN ready! She brought me into my own pre-op room and asked me to change into a purple gown, this time all other clothes gone. I was folding my pants and putting them into a plastic bag when Dr. Heinrich came in. She made all of the markings the Dr. Sanan would follow during surgery and made me feel excited about the new boobs I'll have someday.
The nurse comes back in and as she asks me the health questions I've been asked all week (they type my answers into their database as they ask them, why is it that that no one seems to ever see them?) as a second nurse attempted to get an IV going on the top of my right hand. She has a hard time with it, says my vein disappeared (huh?) and goes for one on my mid-forearm. The nurses both leave and my family are finally able to come in now. It's Jason, my mom, sisters and brother and I all smashed into this tiny little room but we make it work. We crack jokes and once the anesthesiologist comes in we're almost having a good time. She gives me something that makes me feel all goofy and I say goodbyes to my family.
Next I'm wheeled through hallways and into the operating room. They transfer me to the operating bed and next thing I know, I'm out. There was no counting down from a hundred, no "think happy thoughts" order, just sleep. My guess is that, unknowingly to me, they injected my IV with something. Fine by me! I got to skip the anticipation and anxiety of the what if questions. I wake up 6-7 hours later in the recovery room. When I say wake up, I mean dozing, but I could hear myself snoring so that woke me up every time I started to doze. Dr. Sanan came in to check on me and said that everything went great and I finally got the go ahead to see my family!
I'm unhooked from a bunch of tubes and monitors and wheeled through the hallway, at the end of which I make out my mom, dad, sister and brother. I gave them a little parade beauty-queen wave and then I'm in my room with a few nurses. They transferred me over to my bed and got me all comfortable and finally let my family in. At this point I'm super dozy and have zero recollection to what we discussed. All I wanted was to sleep so when my eyes started drooping, they all (except Jason) went home.
Throughout that first night I'm woken up every two hours to take meds, have my blood pressure measured, my temperature taken and my oxygen levels looked at. The machine that monitored my oxygen would go nuts every time I would finally drift off (deeper breathing = less oxygen) so they swapped me with something else. I have these awesome (I wish I had a sarcasm font to use here) drain tubes that are removing the excess blood/puss from my wounds so we were emptying those every couple hours too.
 |
| These aren't MY drain bags, but they're exactly like the ones I had. I used black and white because to be honest, the liquid inside is pretty nasty! |
The next few days/nights I had a few visitors and my mom/Jason took turns staying the night with me. Its all a blur because I was sleeping so much of the time. When I finally got the "go" to go home on Saturday the 29th I was the happiest girl ever! My bed at home is definitely not as easy to maneuver in and out of as the bed in the hospital, but I can walk around topless here without anyone giving me dirty looks. I'm not allowed to shower so I've been going through packs of baby wipes and we still have those drains to take care of.
The results are exactly what I was expecting - I have a 3-4" incision on each breast that's all stitched together and no nipples on either side. The tissue expanders and drainage tubes give the appearance of a really botched boob job. They're rock hard and the tubes look like veins sticking out (I'll spare you all a picture of that). I wasn't looking for perfection at this stage and am happy I don't have to wear an uncomfortable bra or tons of gauze to cover the incisions (The zip up camisole I brought to the hospital? Totally uncomfortable and haven't worn it once). I think once I get the drain tubes out they'll look a little more normal (or at least normal for a girl who just had a bilateral mastectomy) and as I expand the balloons, they'll get better and better. No more of this "A" cup I'm at right now :)
I've been able to relax a little, and wanted to include pictures of some of my favorite things (among many many others) that were gifted to me and have kept me calm and comfortable during my time at home. I recommend all of the products below, whether you're dealing with an illness or not - they're all fantastic!
 |
| From top left: Aveda's Blue Oil, a tuberose magnolia candle, eucalyptus spearmint pillow mist from Bath & Body Works, and the softest button up jammies from Victoria's Secret |
My time at home has been interesting so far. Like I said earlier, I've had a few visitors and if anyone knows me, I like to have a tidy house before anyone comes over. It's not difficult to keep a tidy house, just basically picking up after yourself, but when Jason doesn't allow me to do anything (beside the pain, the most difficult part of recovery), the house is less tidy than I like. At least it has been decorated with a dozen vases of gorgeous flowers from my lovely brood of family and friends wishing me a speedy recovery!
 |
| I wish I would've taken more photos of the flowers :( These are from my dad the Schober's |
I put on a pair of jeans yesterday that indicated that I am, in fact, getting fat from wearing all of these stretch pants and comfortable clothes and eating all of the delicious treats my friends are bringing over. I had a breakdown at that realization. With no ability to work out (other than my short walks), I'll need to limit my food intake to strictly healthy foods, which is not my forte. I work out for the sole purpose of eating treats.
The hair front has been quite interesting as well. I have a lot of it and Jason's not exactly what I'd call an expert at taming it. My sister washed it for me last night and we let it air-dry, so I'm going to bend the rules today and try to get it into a decent-looking ponytail this afternoon. Wish me luck!
I think today we're going to head out at my brother-in-law's parents house for a little bit. They have a pool in their backyard that I won't be able to swim in, but at the very least I can put my legs in and pretend I'm swimming. Later I'm bound and determined to see the fireworks so I'm hoping we can find a spot that's easy to get to and won't jostle me around too much. I'm also hoping that I stay awake long enough for them! Happy 4th all!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Surgery Day
It's finally here. I can't say that I'm excited, but I'm very happy we're getting the show on the road and I don't have to spend any more days with it consuming my thoughts. The next time I wake up, I'll be cancer free :)
I wasn't impressed with myself yesterday. I was at work wrapping up everything for the next couple weeks and surgery is all I could think about. I got to the point where I couldn't stop moving, I was almost twitchy. I broke down on the phone with my dad for a little bit before heading to Erin & Rob's for a family dinner. The mood there was quiet; I think everyone was feeling the nerves I have.
On the way home Jason and I were completely silent in the car. There's nothing that can be said at this point to make either of us feel better. I'm afraid of the pain I'll have in the next couple days and he's afraid something will go wrong with surgery (that's one thing I'm NOT afraid of - my surgeons are awesome). When we got home, we both just started doing stuff - me inside and Jason outside - to pass the time. Until this experience I've never been a stress cleaner, but it's been a fabulous distraction.
After crossing off all of the things on my to-do list (extra long for this extra stressful week and a half), I got to packing. Here's an inside peek at the wardrobe I'll be rocking in the next couple days:
This morning I'm nervous but calm (does that make sense?). My stomach is churning but I don't feel like I have a panic attack coming on. It's all out of my hands now, and I need to stay confident that things will be just fine. Yes the next couple weeks will be hard, but the cancer-free result will make it so worth while.
There's no way I could've gotten through the last week and a half without my family and friends so here's a thank you: the support, love and encouragement you've given me played a tremendous part in my positive attitude. The dinner, treats, movies, magazines, pedicure, gift basket and clothing are all completely unnecessary, but I appreciate every last bit and will utilize it all in my recovery.
My Jason: This has been an experience I never wanted us to go through. When I look back at two weeks ago, I see two dumb kids with nothing but a backyard full of weeds to worry about. Ignorance really was bliss. There's no other person I would want by my side right now. You've kept my feet on the ground (we all know how my imagination and hypothetical thinking can get the best of me) and you've been such a solid person to lean on when I need to break down. Your love is so evident and your calmness is so soothing. I love you so very much and can never thank you enough for your drop-everything attitude, pre-bedtime "wake me up if you can't sleep" offers to talk, and care I know you'll give me in these next few weeks.
I'm going to be just fine.
This might be it for a few days. Keep the positive, healing vibes coming my way and I'll be sure to give you an update on how awesome it is having draining tubes coming out of me.
I wasn't impressed with myself yesterday. I was at work wrapping up everything for the next couple weeks and surgery is all I could think about. I got to the point where I couldn't stop moving, I was almost twitchy. I broke down on the phone with my dad for a little bit before heading to Erin & Rob's for a family dinner. The mood there was quiet; I think everyone was feeling the nerves I have.
On the way home Jason and I were completely silent in the car. There's nothing that can be said at this point to make either of us feel better. I'm afraid of the pain I'll have in the next couple days and he's afraid something will go wrong with surgery (that's one thing I'm NOT afraid of - my surgeons are awesome). When we got home, we both just started doing stuff - me inside and Jason outside - to pass the time. Until this experience I've never been a stress cleaner, but it's been a fabulous distraction.
After crossing off all of the things on my to-do list (extra long for this extra stressful week and a half), I got to packing. Here's an inside peek at the wardrobe I'll be rocking in the next couple days:
- My awesome post-surgery zip up camisole, complete with pouches for the drain bags
- Grannie panties
- Tube top swimsuit coverups
- Leggings
- Moccassins
- Wrap sweaters and zip-up hoodies
- Cloth headbands
- Baby wipes
- Cleansing facial wipes
- Makeup (I'm so vain)
- A brush
- Burt's Bees Rejuvenating Lip Balm
- Throat lozenges (I read that they're helpful)
- A Kindle
This morning I'm nervous but calm (does that make sense?). My stomach is churning but I don't feel like I have a panic attack coming on. It's all out of my hands now, and I need to stay confident that things will be just fine. Yes the next couple weeks will be hard, but the cancer-free result will make it so worth while.
There's no way I could've gotten through the last week and a half without my family and friends so here's a thank you: the support, love and encouragement you've given me played a tremendous part in my positive attitude. The dinner, treats, movies, magazines, pedicure, gift basket and clothing are all completely unnecessary, but I appreciate every last bit and will utilize it all in my recovery.
My Jason: This has been an experience I never wanted us to go through. When I look back at two weeks ago, I see two dumb kids with nothing but a backyard full of weeds to worry about. Ignorance really was bliss. There's no other person I would want by my side right now. You've kept my feet on the ground (we all know how my imagination and hypothetical thinking can get the best of me) and you've been such a solid person to lean on when I need to break down. Your love is so evident and your calmness is so soothing. I love you so very much and can never thank you enough for your drop-everything attitude, pre-bedtime "wake me up if you can't sleep" offers to talk, and care I know you'll give me in these next few weeks.
I'm going to be just fine.
This might be it for a few days. Keep the positive, healing vibes coming my way and I'll be sure to give you an update on how awesome it is having draining tubes coming out of me.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Still Can't Sleep
Exhausted.
Up off and on since my last post. It’s a lot harder to be confident
and strong and positive when you’re alone and it’s quiet and dark.
Can't Sleep
Wide
awake to the realization that I didn’t dream what has happened in the last
24 hours. It’s 66 degrees and I’m shaking all over. Fear or cold?
Telling my family this afternoon/tonight was terrifying. I’d get super nervous and queasy before starting each conversation. Happy Friday - I have breast cancer. Jason took it OK, I saw tears but he didn’t let them go like I think he wanted to. He's been super quiet all night and has let me do most of the talking. My mom and sisters weren’t as discrete with their reactions. I didn’t talk to Jason’s parents but he said they’re in shock (aren’t we all?). Adam (my brother) was a champ - super positive, encouraging, offering to shave his head if I ended up doing chemo. I’m a lucky girl to have a brother like that. I told a few friends and their reactions were surprisingly different. Shock first, followed by mutual agreement that I’ll kick cancer’s ass and then that they were feeling waves of nausea. Me too my dears, me too.
Rachel and Erin came over tonight; we all sat in the porch/back deck and had conversations that bounced from “what the hell is going on in our family - there are way too many random, terrible events happening this year” to listening to a new song Erin heard on her way over, or laughing at Rachel’s stories in the world of banquet serving. Totally surreal.
Feeling a little better, not so tense. Going to try and lay down and fall asleep again.
Telling my family this afternoon/tonight was terrifying. I’d get super nervous and queasy before starting each conversation. Happy Friday - I have breast cancer. Jason took it OK, I saw tears but he didn’t let them go like I think he wanted to. He's been super quiet all night and has let me do most of the talking. My mom and sisters weren’t as discrete with their reactions. I didn’t talk to Jason’s parents but he said they’re in shock (aren’t we all?). Adam (my brother) was a champ - super positive, encouraging, offering to shave his head if I ended up doing chemo. I’m a lucky girl to have a brother like that. I told a few friends and their reactions were surprisingly different. Shock first, followed by mutual agreement that I’ll kick cancer’s ass and then that they were feeling waves of nausea. Me too my dears, me too.
Rachel and Erin came over tonight; we all sat in the porch/back deck and had conversations that bounced from “what the hell is going on in our family - there are way too many random, terrible events happening this year” to listening to a new song Erin heard on her way over, or laughing at Rachel’s stories in the world of banquet serving. Totally surreal.
Feeling a little better, not so tense. Going to try and lay down and fall asleep again.
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