Update

So I didn't initially want to divulge information about a third surgery I had in September (maybe I felt a little vain?), but it's part of my journey and I think it's important that it's included with my story. The surgery was "minor" compared to the other two I'd previously had, however I think it came in as 2nd on the pain scale. Dr. Heinrich (still an amazing surgeon) did a little bit of scar revision and fat grafting (gross, right?), where she sucked fat (not nearly enough in my opinion) from my stomach and hips and flushed it around my implants to give them a softer, more balanced look. I'm extremely pleased with the results, and am SO ready to be done with procedures! No more!

The oncologist I'd been meeting with since day 1 left the health system that my insurance covers, so I met with a new oncologist, Dr. Murphy. She specializes in young women who are diagnosed with breast cancer, and immediately I noticed a difference between the two. She brought up the family aspect (we'd wanted to start ours just before I was diagnosed) and offered to revisit starting one sooner than later (not yet though). I'm not sure how I feel about that just yet - going off tamoxifen is terrifying, especially if the goal is pregnancy which would give me an overload of hormones, but it was beyond nice to hear a doctor who actually looked at it from my perspective instead of immediately jumping into statistics.

Jason and I did the Making Strides walk again this year (in October) and I'm happy to say we raised just under $1,000 for the cause thanks to my family and friends. Feels great to be part of an event that is bigger than just my experience!

That's all (for now)!
Cassie

One Year Later

And just like that, an entire year has passed. Today, one year ago (at approximately 2pm), I got the call no one ever wants to get. My breast cancer diagnosis was the switch that flipped my life completely upside down for 6 months, revealing in the process anxiety and pain, extreme love and support, and a sense of strength I never knew I had in me (cue eyes tearing up).

To mark this occasion (and the many 1st-year-anniversaries coming up), I've gone back to the very beginning of this blog to reflect. A quick recap of the first six months: I'd go from writing posts like this:

"It’s a lot harder to be confident and strong and positive when you’re alone and it’s quiet and dark." 

...to starting the next one with "I'm feeling awesome!" Cancer's such a sucky, terrifying, no-seatbelts-and-upsidedown-loops roller coaster.

And now, the end.

I wrote the blog to remind the future me of all that I went through during the process of beating breast cancer. To remind myself (in case I don't glance at the scars, or have a dozen hot flashes each day) that it did in fact happen, and that I made it out alive. It's served as a place for me to jot down the feelings/fears I couldn't express out loud, a message board for my family and friends, and hopefully, as a source of inspiration for others who have heard the three dreaded words "you have cancer."

Now that my year with cancer is wrapping up (aside from occasional check-up appointments and taking tamoxifen, there's very little in my life that deals with it on a daily basis), I'm struggling to find content worthy of posting. I'm a boring person that went through something thousands of others go through; that doesn't make me interesting. Jotting down notes about what happens in my daily life isn't beneficial to anyone (and I think it comes across as a little narcissistic).

That being said, I also get a little stressed seeing "Post to blog" come up on my to-do list every couple of days. No one needs unnecessary stress, especially when life right now is so much fun. And especially when the remedy is so simple: to stop stressing about writing on this blog. I told myself at the beginning that I'd never let it get to this place where the content had nothing to do with breast cancer or my journey, and now that it's here, I think the only thing left to say is "goodbye."

I'm deleting the reminder on my phone (and finally, the alarms I created to remind me to take my different pain meds every 4, 6 and 8 hours - no clue why that took a year to do?!), and won't stress (at least, not about this) any more. If something at an appointment comes up, I may revisit just to jot it down, but no more of this bi-weekly "sorry I haven't written" nonsense.

Thank your for your continued support, your daily/weekly/monthly visits to this place where I've been spilling my guts for a year, and most of all, your love and friendship. I couldn't have made it through the experience without you!

Cass

Success!

So today was the big day - I was going to try running the entire Race for the Cure. Did I succeed? No, but don't worry, I'm not too upset about it. I ran all but maybe 2 minutes of it, so still better than any of the other years I've participated. My sister Rachel and I had a great time and I can't wait to try try again next year (and probably a few times before that too)!

Rach and I by the giant ribbon and such excitement after finally finding bananas!

I've also been absolutely obsessed lately with the Young House Love blog (I'm late to the party). Haven't heard of it? Please please go here and check it out - you might become obsessed too. Anyway, it inspired me to do a little diy/clean up of our house, and after weeding through all of the drawers in our house (a lot with all of the built-ins we have), I feel organized and rid of clutter. It's a fantastic feeling! Also accomplished this weekend: a new railing on the balcony overlooking our backyard. We're hoping to put our little container garden up there once my seedlings sprout and are thinking about maybe putting a little table and chairs too. We'll see what happens; I'm just so excited it's finished!

Before and after!

A Week By the Sea

Sorry for the lapse in writing; I have a good excuse - Jason and I have recently returned from a week-long trip to Mexico (Puerto Morelos to be exact)! We slept in, relaxed, read, drank margaritas and other exciting drinks, kayaked, soaked up sunshine, ate fish tacos, walked the beach, learned about the ancient Mayan culture, swam, and overall had an amazing time! We needed the break more than I'd expected!

Right to left, top to bottom: Our first drinks (at the airport - c'mon give us a break, it'd snowed 6" in MN while we were leaving that morning!), my first glimpse of the ocean, the first meat I'd eaten in over 2 months, a jellyfish shot.

View from the pool and the beautiful beach in front of our resort.

Ruins, and the most beautiful beach I've ever seen!

Obsessed

The sunrise on the day we left. I may have teared up a little (no judging).

Therapy

I met with the physical therapist yesterday who agreed that it is a strained muscle in my back that's causing so much pain. She lectured me about my posture at work, and showed me a few stretches to strengthen the muscles that are out of whack. Bad news: she said our meeting yesterday starts week one and that it'll be 6-7 weeks before I'm pain free. That means I'm stuck on the stationary bike for awhile instead of the treadmill, but I'm at the point where I'd do almost anything to get rid of the pain. I'm meeting with her again next week and I'm hoping I'm able to say that I've noticed a change!

Whoops

Didn't mean for so much time to pass between updates! I feel like I'm finally back on track after spending last weekend in Chicago with some very dear friends (missing the early train Saturday night + daylight savings + early wake-up call Sunday = delirious for days); it felt like a very quick trip but it was fantastic to spend the weekend with such wonderful people!

Once we unpacked and finally got our mountains of laundry taken care of, I was a busy girl this week helping my sister with her invoices (don't worry - no math was involved), having dinner with my gal pals, attending my second Patient Advisory Committee meeting, and celebrating Jason's Uncle's birthday and St. Patrick's Day. Ooof.

The Patient Advisory Committee meeting was an interesting one - they'd sent out a copy of a brochure that we'd be reviewing. The first time I looked it over I was furious - it was addressed to those dealing with breast cancer, and the topic was unnecessary tests (which according to the brochure, included PET, CT, and bone scans). As a survivor, I've been unsuccessfully lobbying my doctors for those tests since the day of my mastectomy - you can never be sure that every cell was removed, and cancer can spread like wild fire. Of course I'd want a scan, if not for preventative steps (if there is a cell somewhere, let's find it now and get rid of it), then simply for my mental health! Peace of mind works a million times better than any drug, and so what if the tests are expensive - that's what I have health insurance for!

I went to the meeting on fire and ready for a hefty debate and was pleasantly surprised that I wasn't alone with my feelings. We had a fantastic discussion and I'm sure the content will be addressed before it goes out to anyone. I left knowing that I'd contributed, helped someone just a little bit, and it felt great!

Could it Be?

I think my back pain is a degree less intense today, maybe... it is early in the day and I haven't done much that would aggravate it, but just maybe. Or maybe it's the fact that we had temps in the 40s yesterday and I swear the sun is getting up earlier and earlier (finally!), maybe my brain has moved on to concentrating on bigger and better things? Maybe it's my cold finally releasing the grip it has held on my sinuses the last 7 days?

I don't care what it is, but it should keep happening - I was starting to forget what it feels like to feel somewhat healthy!

Sneak Peek

I know it's terrible to wish for the future (always be living in the present yada yada yada) but with the freezing winter we're having, the idea of being half-way through February right now is just magical. Spring is on its way and I cannot wait to open the windows in our house and get outside (which reminds me, I should spend some time researching flowers to plant out front). I saw a little sunshine this weekend and it instantly put me in a good mood - more please!

I haven't mentioned it here yet, but I've been working hard at getting an online portfolio/website up to showcase my stationery designs. This weekend I gathered up all of the proofs I've kept terribly disorganized and had a little photo shoot with them. I'm almost through with the stack and once I'm finished doing a little cleanup on the photos, I'll post them online to my new site (I'm keeping the URL secret until I can get them up; for now there's just a boring placeholder image). It's a lot of fun to see how my style has evolved over the last six years - I've worked with a wide range of people and I love to see my skills meshed with their personalities. Stay tuned, my goal is to have the site live by the end of the month!

A peek at my new cards - the site may carry a similar theme :)

Everything is still going great on the veggie-front; I'm happy to say that this first week without meat was successful! The Schober's are coming to town this weekend so I've been collecting recipes to try with them. Our typical biscuits and gravy breakfast will be replaced with crock pot apple cinnamon oatmeal - I'll start it before going to bed Thursday night and then we'll wake up to the delicious sweet aroma of baked apples on Friday morning (I'll post the recipe once I've done an official taste test)!

Happy Monday!

A To-Do List?! Yes Please!

Found this little ditty and thought it was a wonderful reminder of how to focus more on the important things we encounter each day. My favorite part is the to-do list (Does that really surprise anyone? I'm a slave to the to-do list!):

"Follow this daily to-do list and you’ll be just fine:

1. Think positively.
2. Eat healthy.
3. Exercise today.
4. Worry less.
5. Work hard.
6. Laugh often.
7. Sleep well.

Repeat…"

I know you might be thinking, "yeah, yeah, I see this inspirational crap on Pinterest every day" but really, when it all boils down, it's great advice! Trying my best to follow (and repeat) the short list from now on.

One Step Closer...

...to being a full-fledged vegetarian. We had two "meat days" this weekend and totally stuffed ourselves with chicken, beef and pepperoni (my favorite). I felt fine for the most part, but after eating the delicious cheese-stuffed burger I almost instantly felt sick. Maybe it was too much grease (Jason and I split a side of onion rings too), but maybe it was my stomach saying "no thanks" to the beef?  Who knows - we're back on a no-meat diet now until Sunday (which happens to be Superbowl Sunday), when we plan on saying au revoir to our favorite meat snacks. I'm feeling OK about it - like I've said to a few of my friends already, I don't really notice that we're not eating meat. I've also been getting oodles of recipes and advice from my vegetarian friends, so I think we'll be able to find yummy substitutes for our favorite foods that typically include meat.

...to eliminating night sweats. I attribute much of my success in this area to removing meat from my diet. I've been taking tamoxifen for almost six months now, and have had 4, maybe 5 nights of sleep where I didn't wake up once to a night sweat (In case you're wondering, night sweats are much worse than hot flashes; you wake up soaking, and even after changing in to dry jammies, you hop back into damp sheets. They're terribly unpleasant.). In the past week I've slept 4 or 5 nights all the way through. Do you know how wonderful it feels to have a full night of uninterrupted sleep?! Glorious - almost to the extent that I can hear angels sing as my alarm goes off each morning.

...to getting my sun-shiny, positive, cheerful self back. Yesterday I started taking a multivitamin that packs a Vitamin D punch. I'm confident it'll get my energy level back up and kick my Debby Downer attitude to the frozen curb. I'm also keeping up my gym habit; last week I signed up for a 5K in April and I'm determined to run the entire thing. It's 3.1 miles, I'm sure I can do it (plus, I have lots of time to work my way up)!

Taking Care

I'm happy to report that our first attempt at cutting out meat was a success! We made some pretty tasty dishes Sunday through Wednesday this week and I hardly noticed that none of them included animal protein. I even ate out and was able to easily order some really delicious portobello mushroom fajitas. When we added meat back into our meals on Thursday (tacos), Jason was up with me during the night with a stomach ache (I was having one of my usual night sweats). I felt fine after eating meat Thurs/Fri, but after eating chicken tenders at our friend Andrew's birthday party on Saturday, I felt awful! I can't say if it was the chicken or the fact that they were fried, but it made me feel terrible (and happy to say buh-bye to them). Today we started day one of five days we're eating meatless so we'll see how this week goes!

In fitness-related news, I've been using the LT Bucks I earned for joining Lifetime Fitness over Black Friday to try out a few TEAM classes. For two weeks I was part of the TEAM Weightloss, and now I've moved on to TEAM Fitness. The fitness class is one level up in terms of difficulty, and instead of mostly cardio, we've been doing some serious weight lifting (my first attempt at kettle bells made me feel like an 80-year-old lady; I'm still nursing sore back muscles!). I like it, but my danceline background has me gravitating toward the cardio classes. I've also been back on the treadmill a few times slowly logging miles, and I'm pretty excited about how much I'm still looking forward to it. Yesterday my challenge was to do a 5K, which is something I've done many many times, but this time my goal was to run as much of it as possible and I don't think I did too bad. I wasn't really going for speed, but of course the faster you run, the faster you can be done. I finished nice and sweaty at 40:30, so with short stints of walking thrown in, I'm averaging a 13-minute mile. Certainly nothing to brag about, but it'll be interesting to see the improvement the more conditioned I get!

Finally, I had an appointment Thursday with Dr. Sanan, the surgeon who first discovered my cancerous lump. It's been about six months since I've seen him and ta daaaa - after examining me he determined there are no new lumps (not that I was expecting him to find any). Physically I've been feeling great and it's so great to have a confirmation from a professional. I also spent a little time with Lynnae, Carrie and Ali (the hospital's social worker) which was wonderful! They're all such great resources and care so much for their patients (me!). Ali's hooking me up with the oncology nutritionist to make sure I'm still getting enough nutrients now that we're modifying our diets. Once again I'm thanking my lucky stars I have them for my long term healing!

Natural remedies, here I come!

Forward Thinking

It's finally here! I said goodbye to 2013 with a quick tear and welcomed 2014 last night surrounded by people I love (and then strangers in a conga line). I started this year already breaking one of my resolutions (to swear less; I lasted until about 10:30 this morning...), but it's ok. The beauty about resolutions are that if you mess up, you can start over again right away.

This past year has certainly put things into perspective for me. We said goodbye to Jason's sweet grandpa George, to my beautiful stepsister Margie and her daughter-to-be Olivia, and to Jerry, a long-time friend of Jason's family. My mom and stepdad sold the house I grew up in and moved to Texas. Breast cancer happened. We had to sit through a very painful two weeks in a courtroom. It was the longest 365 days I've ever known. Definitely challenging by comparison to the years I've had before it.

So, where there are valleys, there are hills, and I truly believe that 2014 will be the hill (a steep one so I'll get in shape along the way) that I'll use to climb out of this valley of sadness. How's that for a metaphor? There are so many things to look forward to this year. Weddings, babies, new challenges in my fitness, career and personal life. All of it will slowly remind me of what the "easy" years feel like, and I'll appreciate each day more because of what 2013 showed me.

I hope to end this upcoming year in a better place than I am today, even if today I'm better than I was on this day last year. It's all about evolving to become me at my best. Hello 2014, let's see what you have in store.

Uncertainty

So every year I have a stack of movies I watch in the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Typical holiday-type flicks: It's a Wonderful Life, Home Alone, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, White Christmas, The Santa Clause, and The Holiday. Another that I always watch is The Family Stone, which I love because of the giant family and the complicated dynamics between each member.  In the movie Sybil, the mother to a handful of grown children, has recently found out that her breast cancer (which she's battled in the past with a bilateral mastectomy) has returned.

I've watched this movie every year since its debut almost a decade ago, and of course, this year it hits home. I cried at all the parts I cried at before my diagnosis, but this year as I watched, a red flag was raised. What if my cancer comes back too, and what if we don't catch it in time to have the prognosis I had this summer?  I know the chances of it returning are statistically in my favor, but there's still those single-digit percentages that the cancer will return. I've been doing a great job not thinking about that happening, but I'm certainly not immune to it.

So what do I do?  I can't obsess over it and go into every appointment with fear or over-analyze every ping of pain I feel. No one has time for that! All that I can do is be aware of major changes, see my doctors as they suggest, and live the healthiest life I can. That's all any of us can really do, right?  No one has immunity when it comes to cancer; it sees no difference in race, class, gender or birth order.  I just hope that the battle I've already gone through wins me points if there is ever a round two.

Terrific Lady Day

Tis the season for baking, shopping and being oh so busy!  Sorry for the lack of updates.  Quick rundown: last week I met with a group of ladies who had all been diagnosed at 40 or younger.  Quite the difference from the group I've been meeting with through United.  We had a great discussion and it was so nice to commiserate with ladies my age.

2013 has put my family through the ringer, so I've been thinking about how I plan to start fresh in a few weeks.  Step two: lopping off and donating my hair (step one was joining a gym, which I'm loving so far!).  You heard it here first - the mane is now a little bob :)  I went into the cut feeling ready for it, keeping in mind how lucky I was to not go through chemo, unlike a lot of other women.  I hope my hair can make a nice wig for one of those ladies!  

Total donated: 8" :)

I had a quick appointment with my plastic surgeon after my hair cut to check in on my new boobs.  All is going well on the healing front - swelling is pretty much gone (we'll check in again in 6 weeks), and the incisions are looking great. She addressed the pain I'm having in my arm and thinks it should go away eventually. I'll just keep doing my stretches and hopefully it'll be soon!

Thankful

Tis the season to shop, eat, be with friends and family, but most of all: be thankful.  I'm usually pretty aware of the things I have in my life that others may not.  I was lucky enough to be born into a very loving family, in a country that, among its shortcomings, offers a relatively safe and comfortable place to live and be a young, working woman.  I get to vote, choose who I marry (hey there, Jas), and at the end of the day, have the peace of mind that I don't have to worry about where my next glass of clean water is coming from, or how to cure my hunger pains. I live a pretty cushy life.

In the past I've completely taken my health and body for granted.  After my scare with breast cancer, I have a whole new level of respect (and thanks) for my physical and mental health.  I, unlike many other survivors, don't wake up every morning with my first thought being "I had cancer." Even when I'm flashing, I don't think "I'm hot because of the Tamoxifen, and I'm taking Tamoxifen because I had cancer." I don't think "cancer" when I stretch the muscles in my chest/arms or accidentally run into something because I don't have feeling in my boobs (it happens more than I'm happy to admit).  When I do think about it, it still seems a little too crazy to comprehend.  Like it was all a terrible dream, except I have the scars to prove that it wasn't (maybe I should seek therapy?!).

I'll never ever forget the fact that I had cancer, but I think it's time for me to move past it.  I'm beyond happy to talk about my experiences if anyone asks; however, I feel that dedicating this blog to cancer is facing it in the wrong direction.  I need to write about living life despite having cancer, to give others hope that they too can overcome the hurdles and come out the other side healthy, cancer-free, and yes, even thankful for the experience. 

I plan to continue to update you fine folks of any support group meetings, doctor appointments, or general aches and pains I have (if I have to deal with it, you're going to know about it), but I'll also be writing about other things going on in my life.  If that means I lose readers (all three of you), I want to thank you for sticking with me over the last five months.  I hope I was able to raise the awareness you have about your personal breast health (health in general!), or encourage you to spread the word about early mammograms.  It's never too early to detect and start treating breast cancer! 

Many thanks; I hope you have a wonderful holiday season!
Cassie

Weekend Update

I had a post-op appointment on Thursday with Dr. Heinrich, who was pleased with how my healing is coming along. The swelling I saw just a few days after surgery is almost completely gone (as is the bruising), and the best part of all: I can sleep on my side again! After 4.5 months of sleeping on my back, I've finally made it through a few nights of not waking up at once or twice during my (when I'm lucky) 7 hours. Also, Jason can finally spoon me again! It's glorious :)

Dr. Heinrich also cleared me for physical activity so my sister Rachel and I took a lap around Lake Como to celebrate (I was allowed to walk before, but we were short on time).

Teaser for later in the week: Patient Advisory Committee

Dramatic

As expected, the swelling has minimized significantly and the fears and disappointment I was feeling just a few days ago was all way over dramatic. I'm still not looking the way I'd imagined but it's crazy how far along things can come in just a few days.

The pain is more of just an irritation now, although bending over hurts (thanks gravity) and I'm still not supposed to lift anything over 10lbs or raise my hands over my head (making showering and getting dressed super fun).  I'm at home again today so I'm going to see how things go just taking a few ibuprofen.  The major pain meds put me into a fog and there's no way I'd be able to operate at work tomorrow while on them.

Aside from the "pain," I've been feeling kind of itchy, and not where the incisions are either.  Just the skin, kind of where a tank top would hit.  I thought maybe the skin was stretching but that doesn't make sense either - that's what the expanders were doing.  I'm sure the nerves were irritated while Dr. Heinrich was in there swapping things and that's why I'm getting that sensation.  I have to ask her about it at my post op on Thursday.

That's all for now folks, time for a nap :)

New Boobs Day

It's like waking up on Christmas morning (literally, it even snowed last night) - excitement has now beat out nerves in a 97% to 3% landslide.  1-2-3-GO!

November 5

It's the night before my second (and hopefully last) surgery; a day I've been looking forward to since I heard the dreaded "you have cancer" diagnosis from my surgeon. I'm finally here at the finish line; tomorrow's surgery is the last big step in getting rid of the cancer and getting me back to "normal." From here on out (God willing), the only thought of this experience will be the tiny little white pill (tamoxifen) I take each night before bed.

I went back and read some of my early blog posts and I'm so happy that I decided to write all of this down.  Somehow I'd forgotten things, major things, that were a necessary part of the process (i.e. the dread I felt when telling my family and friends the diagnosis; the crazy sensation of drain tubes being removed, etc.).  There's good and bad there - I don't want to forget all that I've been through because it reminds me of how strong I am, but I think time is softening the details a little (maybe a coping mechanism?). I have to say though - the time leading up to surgery #1 was way scarier than the time leading up to surgery #2.  I'm not twitching right now, and I'm 91% calm and collected (the list of things to stress-clean tonight is much shorter than last time ha).

I've come a very long way and have been through hell. I hate that I know so much about the disease, that being pricked with needles has become routine, and that I'm part of a "club" I never wanted to join. I'm ready to not be terrified when wondering if the cancer will come back (something that might take years to get over); to not wake up in pain because I'd accidentally rolled onto my side in my sleep; to feel confident in my clothes again. I am so ready.  

Cancer, you've been a very unwelcome shadow in my life for too long.  You've ruined the plans I had for starting a family (right now, anyway), you've given me physical and emotional scars that will never go away and you've been a major contributor to an already terrible year. You've shown me paralyzing fear in the "ignorance is bliss" life I'd been living. Any tears I might cry will be out of joy at your absence; please never return.

"Breast Reconstruction" vs. "Boob Job"

This article is so perfectly written and so well-timed, I couldn't resist sharing.  FYI, I'm guilty of calling it a "free breast cancer boob job" too; it's the only part of having cancer that doesn't make me feel like I'm drowning.

I'm OK with my feelings of excitement toward it (even if there's a tiny bit of nervousness there too).