Therapy

I met with the physical therapist yesterday who agreed that it is a strained muscle in my back that's causing so much pain. She lectured me about my posture at work, and showed me a few stretches to strengthen the muscles that are out of whack. Bad news: she said our meeting yesterday starts week one and that it'll be 6-7 weeks before I'm pain free. That means I'm stuck on the stationary bike for awhile instead of the treadmill, but I'm at the point where I'd do almost anything to get rid of the pain. I'm meeting with her again next week and I'm hoping I'm able to say that I've noticed a change!

Dramatic

As expected, the swelling has minimized significantly and the fears and disappointment I was feeling just a few days ago was all way over dramatic. I'm still not looking the way I'd imagined but it's crazy how far along things can come in just a few days.

The pain is more of just an irritation now, although bending over hurts (thanks gravity) and I'm still not supposed to lift anything over 10lbs or raise my hands over my head (making showering and getting dressed super fun).  I'm at home again today so I'm going to see how things go just taking a few ibuprofen.  The major pain meds put me into a fog and there's no way I'd be able to operate at work tomorrow while on them.

Aside from the "pain," I've been feeling kind of itchy, and not where the incisions are either.  Just the skin, kind of where a tank top would hit.  I thought maybe the skin was stretching but that doesn't make sense either - that's what the expanders were doing.  I'm sure the nerves were irritated while Dr. Heinrich was in there swapping things and that's why I'm getting that sensation.  I have to ask her about it at my post op on Thursday.

That's all for now folks, time for a nap :)

Weekend Wrap-Up

I know I rave and rave about how amazing my support system is (I know that I'm a very lucky girl) but I just can't stop when they've helped my Making Strides Against Breast Cancer team raise $1,270!  Wonderful job everyone!

I know I kind of left a teaser about my BRCA1 and BRCA2 test results (sorry!); they came back negative, which means the reason I got cancer was just the luck of the draw.  While it's a little unsettling to not have a definite answer why, it's wonderful to know that the women in my family are "safe" (I use quotes because they could be "lucky" and get random cancer too (knocking on wood that it never happens)) and I get a little peace of mind knowing that my risk of ovarian cancer isn't elevated.  It is what it is I guess; there's another gene test we can do, but it opens the Pandora's box of diseases I'd be susceptible to (they're diseases we can't watch for or prevent), and I'm not sure I want to carry that knowledge around every day.

Ashley made a great point that technology in this area of medicine is developing so quickly that it's not impossible there's another breast cancer-causing gene out there that no one has discovered yet.

Anyway, I hate to come back to this because it's probably so boring to read about, but I'm still having some pretty intense muscle pain.  The exercises my PT showed me a few weeks ago definitely stretch the muscles, but they're not taking away any of the pain/tightness.  I even went as far as calling my surgeon's office Friday afternoon to see if it's normal to feel this way.  Bad news: it is.  Good news: the nurse assured me I'd feel much better after New Boobs Day (31 days!).  I'm going to bench myself for the remaining 3 kickball games we have and really try to watch what I'm lifting, drink a ton of water, and continue stretching.  I can handle 31 days!

Nerves

You'd think by now I should be over being nervous for doctors appointments.  I'm not.  Jason and I are meeting with my oncologist over lunch tomorrow to discuss further treatment.  I'm hoping and crossing my fingers and toes that the oncotype test results are in so we can include that information as we decide on a plan of attack.

If the results say the cancer is likely to reoccur, I'm looking at some chemo and/or radiation.  If not, then yippee, neither!!  Either way, it's very likely I'll have to be on Tamoxifen.  I can get into the awesome (sarcasm font) side effects of that tomorrow once I know more, but yikes.  Welcome back nerves!

Non-Independence

It's been a week - I would've written sooner, but between nurses checking on me every 2 hours at the hospital, my mom and Jason fussing over me while at home those first few days, and the endless visits and phone calls from my family/friends since then, I feel like I haven't had time!  That sounds absolutely crazy since I'm not working and other than a doctor appointment and a trip to the market (I had to bust out some tears to convince Jason I was ready for an outing), I haven't gone anywhere.

I blame the naps.  Everything makes me tired.  While in the hospital the nurses were adamant about taking walks around the halls, so now that I'm home, I've been continuing those walks and I come home pooped!  The only movie I've watched in its entirety is the Little Mermaid, an 85-minute movie, and I think it was the adorable laughter of my niece Cecilia and nephew Josh that kept me awake for it.  Oh well, napping seems to be pretty nice; I can do it whenever I want and I usually feel pretty good after.  

My first walk post-op! Don't you just love the leg compressors AND grippy socks?

 Let's go back to last week so you can get the gory details of my surgery.  The day before, Tuesday, I was a ball of nerves.  Twitching and mind racing and just not doing very well.  Wednesday morning I did VERY well.  We got to the Breast Cancer suite right on time.  They had me change from the waist up into one of their luxurious gowns and head into the same room I had my biopsy in.  Jason and our bags were with me at this point and there was some delay in the injection they were going to use on me so we waited.  And waited waited waited.  Calmly might I add.  Finally they came in and injected me with a radio-active solution that Dr. Sanan would use to help find any stray cancer cells while he was operating on me. Included in the solution was something called lidocaine, which made my breasts numb.  A quick shot in each side and we were good to go.

Next we took a walk down to where the pre-op rooms were. After a bit more waiting, a nurse stood in front of me and asked if I was ready.  Lady I was BORN ready! She brought me into my own pre-op room and asked me to change into a purple gown, this time all other clothes gone. I was folding my pants and putting them into a plastic bag when Dr. Heinrich came in.  She made all of the markings the Dr. Sanan would follow during surgery and made me feel excited about the new boobs I'll have someday.

The nurse comes back in and as she asks me the health questions I've been asked all week (they type my answers into their database as they ask them, why is it that that no one seems to ever see them?) as a second nurse attempted to get an IV going on the top of my right hand.  She has a hard time with it, says my vein disappeared (huh?) and goes for one on my mid-forearm.  The nurses both leave and my family are finally able to come in now.  It's Jason, my mom, sisters and brother and I all smashed into this tiny little room but we make it work.  We crack jokes and once the anesthesiologist comes in we're almost having a good time.  She gives me something that makes me feel all goofy and I say goodbyes to my family.

Next I'm wheeled through hallways and into the operating room.  They transfer me to the operating bed and next thing I know, I'm out.  There was no counting down from a hundred, no "think happy thoughts" order, just sleep.  My guess is that, unknowingly to me, they injected my IV with something.  Fine by me!  I got to skip the anticipation and anxiety of the what if questions.  I wake up 6-7 hours later in the recovery room.  When I say wake up, I mean dozing, but I could hear myself snoring so that woke me up every time I started to doze. Dr. Sanan came in to check on me and said that everything went great and I finally got the go ahead to see my family!

I'm unhooked from a bunch of tubes and monitors and wheeled through the hallway, at the end of which I make out my mom, dad, sister and brother.  I gave them a little parade beauty-queen wave and then I'm in my room with a few nurses.  They transferred me over to my bed and got me all comfortable and finally let my family in.  At this point I'm super dozy and have zero recollection to what we discussed.  All I wanted was to sleep so when my eyes started drooping, they all (except Jason) went home.

Throughout that first night I'm woken up every two hours to take meds, have my blood pressure measured, my temperature taken and my oxygen levels looked at.  The machine that monitored my oxygen would go nuts every time I would finally drift off (deeper breathing = less oxygen) so they swapped me with something else.  I have these awesome (I wish I had a sarcasm font to use here) drain tubes that are removing the excess blood/puss from my wounds so we were emptying those every couple hours too.

These aren't MY drain bags, but they're exactly like the ones I had. 
I used black and white because to be honest, the liquid inside is pretty nasty!

The next few days/nights I had a few visitors and my mom/Jason took turns staying the night with me.  Its all a blur because I was sleeping so much of the time.  When I finally got the "go" to go home on Saturday the 29th I was the happiest girl ever!  My bed at home is definitely not as easy to maneuver in and out of as the bed in the hospital, but I can walk around topless here without anyone giving me dirty looks.  I'm not allowed to shower so I've been going through packs of baby wipes and we still have those drains to take care of.

The results are exactly what I was expecting - I have a 3-4" incision on each breast that's all stitched together and no nipples on either side.  The tissue expanders and drainage tubes give the appearance of a really botched boob job.  They're rock hard and the tubes look like veins sticking out (I'll spare you all a picture of that).  I wasn't looking for perfection at this stage and am happy I don't have to wear an uncomfortable bra or tons of gauze to cover the incisions (The zip up camisole I brought to the hospital?  Totally uncomfortable and haven't worn it once).  I think once I get the drain tubes out they'll look a little more normal (or at least normal for a girl who just had a bilateral mastectomy) and as I expand the balloons, they'll get better and better.  No more of this "A" cup I'm at right now :) 

I've been able to relax a little, and wanted to include pictures of some of my favorite things (among many many others) that were gifted to me and have kept me calm and comfortable during my time at home.  I recommend all of the products below, whether you're dealing with an illness or not - they're all fantastic!

From top left: Aveda's Blue Oil, a tuberose magnolia candle, eucalyptus spearmint pillow mist
from Bath & Body Works, and the softest button up jammies from Victoria's Secret

My time at home has been interesting so far.  Like I said earlier, I've had a few visitors and if anyone knows me, I like to have a tidy house before anyone comes over.  It's not difficult to keep a tidy house, just basically picking up after yourself, but when Jason doesn't allow me to do anything (beside the pain, the most difficult part of recovery), the house is less tidy than I like.  At least it has been decorated with a dozen vases of gorgeous flowers from my lovely brood of family and friends wishing me a speedy recovery!

I wish I would've taken more photos of the flowers :(  These are from my dad the Schober's

I put on a pair of jeans yesterday that indicated that I am, in fact, getting fat from wearing all of these stretch pants and comfortable clothes and eating all of the delicious treats my friends are bringing over.  I had a breakdown at that realization.  With no ability to work out (other than my short walks), I'll need to limit my food intake to strictly healthy foods, which is not my forte.  I work out for the sole purpose of eating treats.


The hair front has been quite interesting as well.  I have a lot of it and Jason's not exactly what I'd call an expert at taming it.  My sister washed it for me last night and we let it air-dry, so I'm going to bend the rules today and try to get it into a decent-looking ponytail this afternoon. Wish me luck!

I think today we're going to head out at my brother-in-law's parents house for a little bit.  They have a pool in their backyard that I won't be able to swim in, but at the very least I can put my legs in and pretend I'm swimming.  Later I'm bound and determined to see the fireworks so I'm hoping we can find a spot that's easy to get to and won't jostle me around too much.  I'm also hoping that I stay awake long enough for them!  Happy 4th all!

Chin Up

Nothing like a couple IPAs to make you feel okay with having cancer.  It's been one week to the day that I heard the dreaded diagnosis.  Looking back on a week that could've been three years long, I already see how far I've come in terms of dealing with it.  I don't feel like I have cancer; I don't feel sick and I don't think I look sick.  When I picture a cancer patient, I see the bald, sunken eyes chemo effect.  I'm just as much alive today as I was a week ago.  Maybe more?  I've realized a couple things in these short seven days:

• Never underestimate the power of support from friends and family
• Time doesn't matter when you're talking about a life/death situation all day (I'm far FAR from death by the way)
• Love from my Jason is all I'll need to get me through this next week/month/year/lifetime
• Telling people you have cancer doesn't ever get easy

I met with a second plastic surgeon yesterday and she completely eased the anxiety I was feeling about the end result.  She measured me and we discussed my fears and goals; she actually cares what I look like at the end of all of this, and that's exactly the person I need on my team.  Her results photos looked absolutely beautiful; feminine, as natural as you can expect for a reconstruction, and sized appropriately.  I'm not going all Dolly Pardon over here (I'm 5' 4", I'd topple over!).

Now that I've agreed to have her do the procedure we were able to set a surgery date: Wednesday June 26th.  Day one of my cancer-free life.

Today I had my pre-op appointment; I met a doctor who checked my blood pressure (good), my heartbeat, ears, nose, breathing, etc. Basically an overall checkup to tell the surgeons that I'm fine for my appointment on Wednesday. I had a bit of blood drawn and that was it!

Right after my appointment, Jason and I met with Dan, the pastor who married us almost five years ago.  He reminded us that things will get better and that we're right to be confident about my prognosis.  He also said that I'm a force (yeah I am) and that I should use this experience in a positive way, whether it be learning more about myself or helping others.

I've been tossing around the idea of making this blog public, and after Dan's encouragement I feel like I should.  There aren't many women my age who have to go through breast cancer and if I can answer questions or give encouragement, I feel like my experience with this will have a little more purpose.  Not sure when I'll work up the courage to put myself so out there online, but it'll happen.

I don't think that I was given the cancer card because I did something wrong or I was a bad person.  I think I was given this situation to grow and learn from, and I hope that I'll be able to do that in a way that will shape who I am in the future.  For now, keeping my chin up.

MRI Results

​MRI Scan from this morning is CLEAR!  No other areas of concern in either breast OR in my armpits.  I'm going to totally kick cancer's ass.  Gone, done.  Watch it. SO relieved!

My Diagnosis

​At 1:50pm I got a phone call from the hospital.  I let it roll to voicemail.  I listened, it was Dr. Sanan asking me to call him back on his cell phone. Shit, what surgeon gives out his cell phone? I rushed outside and called back.  He started saying something about how he was right to be worried, and that I have breast cancer.  Excuse me?  I had to ask him to repeat himself as all the blood in my head rushed to my stomach.  I could feel my voice catch in my throat as I mumbled my yesses and mmmhmms as he spoke.  He rattled off the positives (are there in this situation?): it’s close to the surface, any deeper and we wouldn’t have noticed.  It’s a small tumor, I’m young.  Jason (I haven’t told him at this point) and I are meeting him at 10am tomorrow at the hospital - he’s coming in on a Saturday for me, when no one else will be there.  I can’t decide if it’s because it’s very very serious or if he wants to be aggressive with treatment.  I’m going with option two.

We finalize our plans and hang up.  Five minutes later Lynnae calls to see how I’m doing.  She says she’d like to be at the appointment tomorrow.  Love her.  I might make her my new best friend.  She answers my preliminary questions: do we know what stage it is? (can’t tell until after surgery), how fast will the treatment process go? (MRI and genetic counseling scheduled for Monday, surgery by the end of next week), whether my insurance will cover this? (yes).  My last question: what if I’m pregnant right now?  I’m due to get my period tomorrow and yes, Jason and I have been trying.  Lynnae and I decide that I should take a test today so I can go to the meeting tomorrow with as much information as possible.  We hang up, I go to the bathroom.  Relief, I notice some spotting.  I take the test anyway and it’s negative.  At the very least, I’m not having to restrict any possible treatments or worse, terminating a pregnancy. 

Jason’s on his way home right now - I’m sure he already knows it’s what we were afraid of (my text to him before I left work: “can you come home?”).  How do you tell your husband that you have cancer?

Jas and I at a Packer game last fall - MUCH happier (and oblivious) times

Happy Thoughts

Results. Results. Results.  When will they be in?  Will I have to wait all weekend assuming the worst yet hoping for the best?  In my opinion this could go one of four ways:

1. (Most important and what I'm hoping for) I'm pregnant and the lump is benign
2. (Pit-in-my-stomach worst fear) I'm pregnant and the lump is cancerous
3. I'm not pregnant and the lump is benign
4. I'm not pregnant and the lump is cancerous

So there's that.  If I'm not pregnant this month that's fine.  Bummer, but there's next month so no big deal. 

I wasn’t planning on it but I'm in the office working today.  Thought it would be a good distraction.  Happy thoughts happy thoughts.  I've asked Lynnea to email me any results if they come in today so I don't have to take a dreaded phone call with my coworkers listening in.   I'll hopefully be able to read it in the privacy of our house and react as needed (being positive: I'll probably scream with relief when I hear it's nothing).  

Happy thoughts.