New Boobs Day

It's like waking up on Christmas morning (literally, it even snowed last night) - excitement has now beat out nerves in a 97% to 3% landslide.  1-2-3-GO!

November 5

It's the night before my second (and hopefully last) surgery; a day I've been looking forward to since I heard the dreaded "you have cancer" diagnosis from my surgeon. I'm finally here at the finish line; tomorrow's surgery is the last big step in getting rid of the cancer and getting me back to "normal." From here on out (God willing), the only thought of this experience will be the tiny little white pill (tamoxifen) I take each night before bed.

I went back and read some of my early blog posts and I'm so happy that I decided to write all of this down.  Somehow I'd forgotten things, major things, that were a necessary part of the process (i.e. the dread I felt when telling my family and friends the diagnosis; the crazy sensation of drain tubes being removed, etc.).  There's good and bad there - I don't want to forget all that I've been through because it reminds me of how strong I am, but I think time is softening the details a little (maybe a coping mechanism?). I have to say though - the time leading up to surgery #1 was way scarier than the time leading up to surgery #2.  I'm not twitching right now, and I'm 91% calm and collected (the list of things to stress-clean tonight is much shorter than last time ha).

I've come a very long way and have been through hell. I hate that I know so much about the disease, that being pricked with needles has become routine, and that I'm part of a "club" I never wanted to join. I'm ready to not be terrified when wondering if the cancer will come back (something that might take years to get over); to not wake up in pain because I'd accidentally rolled onto my side in my sleep; to feel confident in my clothes again. I am so ready.  

Cancer, you've been a very unwelcome shadow in my life for too long.  You've ruined the plans I had for starting a family (right now, anyway), you've given me physical and emotional scars that will never go away and you've been a major contributor to an already terrible year. You've shown me paralyzing fear in the "ignorance is bliss" life I'd been living. Any tears I might cry will be out of joy at your absence; please never return.

"Breast Reconstruction" vs. "Boob Job"

This article is so perfectly written and so well-timed, I couldn't resist sharing.  FYI, I'm guilty of calling it a "free breast cancer boob job" too; it's the only part of having cancer that doesn't make me feel like I'm drowning.

I'm OK with my feelings of excitement toward it (even if there's a tiny bit of nervousness there too).

Wednesday

By this time next week, I'll be resting comfortably on my living room couch with my new boobs (and Jason!) to keep me company.  ONE WEEK!  I can finally answer "When's your surgery again?" with "Wednesday" and people won't ask for the actual date. I've been counting down for some time (sorry), and today got the following reminder on my phone:

My "event" is just a week away (as if I'd need the reminder, ha)!

Total side note: friends/family who are nurses, this is for you.  I had a second pre-op appointment on Monday to basically make sure I was alive before the doctor could sign off that I was good to go on surgery (my hemoglobin, kidney function and potassium levels are all normal). The doctor came in (not my regular), sat down and started going through my information: current medications, past surgeries etc.  Here's a rundown of the conversation:

Dr.: "What surgery are you having next week?"
Cassie: "Breast reconstruction."
Dr.: (pause) "Why are you having breast reconstruction?"
Cassie: "Because I had a bilateral mastectomy in June."
Dr.: "Why did you have the bilateral mastectomy?"
Cassie: "I was diagnosed with breast cancer."

Now, I'm not saying (at all) that it's the doctor's fault for asking these questions (although I wonder if she saw how old I was and thought maybe I was getting new boobs for fun?).  I'm curious though, why none of that medical history, pretty major stuff, wasn't on my chart?  Especially since I'd had the pre-op for the mastectomy at this same clinic?  They know I had once been taking pre-natal vitamins, but they skip adding cancer to the list?  C'mon!

Ten

Ten days!  That's it, the time has finally come where I can say "surgery is next week!"  Jason and I met with Dr. Heinrich on Thursday to go over details of the surgery.  We talked about the size of implants I'll get (she'll test a few out before sewing me up to see what looks the most natural), what I can expect for pain (I'll be sore for a few days) and how it'll affect the progress I've made with my physical therapy (should actually make things better).  She said I'll be swollen for a few weeks, and I'll have to wear a compression bra of some sort to help with that.  I'll do whatever she says as long as it means I can get rid of these expanders! 

Yesssss!

Flashing

I know I've written about this before and it probably sounds like I'm complaining, but keeping in mind the fact that I'm hoping to help others, I'm writing this for more for educational purposes (I just love how I justify my complaining ha!).

I think the tamoxifen has finally kicked into high gear; the hot flashes have gotten a bit better (or is it the major drop in temperatures we've had the past week?) and my periods have been further spread out than usual.  I'm so happy the flashes have gotten better on their own; my oncologist had suggested I try an anti-depressant to keep them under control, and I politely declined. Not the right option for me - I'm not a fan of covering up side effects with another drug that could give me more/worse side effects. I still have them, just not as frequently and they're not as intense.

It's a good thing too, because when they're bad, all I can do to keep my sanity is stop what I'm doing, roll up my sleeves and pants, take off my shoes, and fan myself with something.  I'm sure my co-workers think I'm nuts, but it makes them tolerable.  Once the flash is over, I get a sweet case of the chills from my body trying to balance out the change in temperature.

I should be assigned my own weatherman, sheesh! Mantra: having flashes is better than having cancer. Repeat 400 times.

NBD: 14 days away!

Countdown

Three weeks to go; excited to get somewhat back to normal!  No more pain (I hope), no more rock-hugs to my friends/family, no more covering the lopsidedness with my hair. 

I am so beyond ready.

Huge Success!

Yesterday a team of 12 awesome friends and family joined me in the Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk.  It was a gorgeous, crisp fall day and the event had a great turn out! 

Here's a general breakdown on how much money was raised:

• Personal Fundraising: $1,160
• Team Fundraising: $1,950 (plus the contributions of three new team members who joined the day of)
• Total raised by the 1,492 participants: $187,058

It's crazy how generous people are, and it's so great to know that the money is going to such a good cause.  Here are a couple snapshots taken from Julie (thank goodness she was on top of it because I certainly wasn't!):

Top: Team Schober! 
Bottom, left to right: my sister Erin and I; Jason's sticker; Julie (the photographer) and I

Great way to start a Saturday :)

NBD Countdown: 24 days!

Weekend Wrap-Up

I know I rave and rave about how amazing my support system is (I know that I'm a very lucky girl) but I just can't stop when they've helped my Making Strides Against Breast Cancer team raise $1,270!  Wonderful job everyone!

I know I kind of left a teaser about my BRCA1 and BRCA2 test results (sorry!); they came back negative, which means the reason I got cancer was just the luck of the draw.  While it's a little unsettling to not have a definite answer why, it's wonderful to know that the women in my family are "safe" (I use quotes because they could be "lucky" and get random cancer too (knocking on wood that it never happens)) and I get a little peace of mind knowing that my risk of ovarian cancer isn't elevated.  It is what it is I guess; there's another gene test we can do, but it opens the Pandora's box of diseases I'd be susceptible to (they're diseases we can't watch for or prevent), and I'm not sure I want to carry that knowledge around every day.

Ashley made a great point that technology in this area of medicine is developing so quickly that it's not impossible there's another breast cancer-causing gene out there that no one has discovered yet.

Anyway, I hate to come back to this because it's probably so boring to read about, but I'm still having some pretty intense muscle pain.  The exercises my PT showed me a few weeks ago definitely stretch the muscles, but they're not taking away any of the pain/tightness.  I even went as far as calling my surgeon's office Friday afternoon to see if it's normal to feel this way.  Bad news: it is.  Good news: the nurse assured me I'd feel much better after New Boobs Day (31 days!).  I'm going to bench myself for the remaining 3 kickball games we have and really try to watch what I'm lifting, drink a ton of water, and continue stretching.  I can handle 31 days!

It's October!

I have to start out by saying how awesome my family, friends and coworkers are!  In less than a week we've blown past my initial fundraising goal of $250 and are sitting at $495 with 11 days to go!!  That's $5 short of half of the team goal of $1,000 I set! Your generosity is fantastic - keep spreading the word!

I attended my second breast cancer support group this afternoon, and I have to admit it was kind of a downer compared to the nutrition/fitness conversation we had last month.  Some of the ladies are having a really tough time and it makes me thankful that I have the love of so many people to help me get through everything. 

One thing that stuck with me (maybe it's because I'm new to being part of the breast cancer club) was that one of the group members said she has a hard time every October during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Everyone is so focused on it and somehow everything turns pink, and she has a hard time with the constant reminder of her experience.  I guess I never looked at it that way, but I get her point of view.  I feel like it's a month for people to be more active for the cause, donate a little and maybe reach out and help someone who may be battling the disease. 

As I left the meeting, I noticed I had a message from Ashley (my gene counselor) at the Breast Center.  (I was in the Breast Cancer suite when she called me - wish I would've bumped into her!)  She left a message saying she has "good news" and that I should call her when I can.  It was already after hours so I'll call her back tomorrow, but I'm trying to decide what her good news is.  Here's how I see it:

1. I have a mutated BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene that caused me to have breast cancer.  In this scenario, I can have my mom and/or dad get tested and from there, alert my other family members.  I can also, after having kids, choose to have a hysterectomy and/or oopherectomy, which would eliminate my risk of ovarian cancer.  Get rid of it!
2. I don't have the mutation, and we have no idea why I got breast cancer.

Not sure which of the two scenarios I'd prefer!  I guess there are positives and negatives of both, but I wouldn't necessarily call either good!  Cancer is cancer.

New Boobs Day Countdown: 36 days!

Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma madness

I promise I haven't forgotten to update, we've just been crazy busy and have a few more weeks of the madness before things slow down! 

Not much to report on the cancer side of things; I've been waking up sore every day so that's fun. The muscles in my chest and arms have been really tight and I've been trying to stretch as much as possible.  I think sleeping in my in-law's guest bed over the weekend, long jaunts in the car, short walk/runs, and playing kickball are all playing a part in the soreness.  I'm just overall not being very cautious with my body anymore and I think it's telling me to slow down.  Who has time to slow down though, when there's so much fun to be had? 

We got home Sunday night from a great weekend in WI!  We spent time with Jason's parents, cousins and aunt, went to Lauren's (one of the two cousins we saw) bridal shower, and to the Packer's (GO PACK!) v. Redskins game on Sunday with our good friends Andrew, Joelle, Robin and Emily.  It was a packed (see what I did right there?) weekend with little sleep, loads of fun and awesome memories made.

The girls and I dancing with the Tundra Line at Lambeau Field and some snapshots from the game.  We're super excited about our cool new Packer's sunglasses :)

Let the craziness continue (oh, and only 50 days until NBD)!

Go Mode

After having my final, yes final, expansion on Thursday last week, I met with Dr. Howe on Friday morning to discuss how the tamoxifen is going.  I'm having the very typical side effects: hot flashes and night sweats (hot) so nothing to be too concerned about.  He was so impressed with my blood work that he told me I could officially tell people that I'm cancer free.  Did you hear that!?  Cancer FREE!  Gone, zip!  Of course as I was finally finishing my last thank you notes yesterday, (writing it in every single one) I couldn't help but wonder if I'm totally jinxing myself by celebrating and blabbing to everyone about it.  On the other hand, I think I deserve the bragging rights - it's the best news I've had all summer!

Bringing me to my next topic: my energy level.  I don't know if it was the great news on Friday or the fact that I got some heavy duty relaxing in this weekend, but I've been like the energizer bunny lately!  I've been working out and kicking butt on annoying little house projects I've been putting off.  I've even been able to squeeze an episode of Orange is the New Black once a night (one more episode left... dreading the end of that hour, Season 2 needs to be available pronto!).

Loving and living life; only 58 days until New Boobs Day :) We finally broke the two-month barrier people!!

It's my Birthday!

Usually I wouldn't have ended "It's my birthday" with an exclamation point, but I'm a changed woman.  My outlook on aging has gone from "I'm going to celebrate 29 every year from now on" to "Bring it on age, I made it this far." I'm perfectly happy where I am, at the age I am, and instead of dreading a new number, I'm embracing another successful year under my belt.

I'm confident that 29 has good things in store.  The biggest thing on my radar: I'll celebrate five incredible years with Jason in a few short months.  Another thing I'm looking forward to: New Boobs Day!  I'll have milestones to celebrate with family and friends, mini celebrations at our favorite restaurant, Kafe 421, and a whole lot of being thankful happening. A few goals:

1. Mega-clean our basement of all the cobwebs, dust and miscellaneous boxes that landed there when we moved in 3 years ago so we can maybe start finishing it
2. Finish landscaping our back yard
3. Push my idea of pajamas for women having mastectomies further; I've heard absolutely no feedback from the organizations I've reached out to, and that's not ok 
4. Secure our wireless network (small but something I've been meaning to do for a long time)

As we celebrated turning 29 last night, I was talking with some girlfriends about over-committing and missing out on time with the people who mean the most to me.  It's difficult to say "no" to things, but I'm going to try really hard to start saying it more.  Life's too short to waste even an hour doing something you don't want to do.  I want to really savor the time I have with the people I love and not constantly be worried about what I'm falling behind on on my list of things to do (I'm famous for my to do list's, by the way). 

Looking forward to what this new year has in store for me.

Jason = Positive Vibes

While waiting tonight for our purchase to be gift-wrapped for one of the many weddings we have this summer, I picked up a name horiscope-like book and found such a promising message under "Jason":

You will marry young (we were 24 and 25) and will weather initial difficulties (hello 2013!?) due to your age and inexperience (no one, at any time in their lives, should be prepared for what this year has put us through). Time will bring confidence, security, and happiness.

How uplifting, right?  Of course I searched for my name, but no one recognizes "Cassie" as a name.  I don't count Cassandra as being close enough (that's not my name); I want straight up Cassie.  No cool name pencils or key chains for this gal growing up.  Oh well, I think Jason's scope is perfect for both of us.  Time has brought us so far from where we started in all of this, and I'm so confident that it will eventually not cross our minds every single day.  Just a matter of time.

Another matter: kickball.  Our team did awesome last night, starting our season off with a 11-2 victory!  The ref was nice, cracking jokes while I was trying to play catcher, and we were all miserable in the oven that has taken over MN this week.  We made the best of it though and I'm so proud of our team.  I played without pain (although I'm pretty sore today) and I know the more I do it (i.e. every Tuesday for the next 7-8 weeks) the better I'll feel.  As a matter of fact, kickball will pretty much bring me right up to New Boobs Day (70 days)!

Hot Hot Hot!

Going to make this short and sweet since I'm in a bit of pain and my head is spinning!  I had my sixth and final expansion this morning!  Woo hoooo!  So very exciting :) No more weekly appointments and days of nausea from the pain meds.  All I have to do is wait wait wait (patiently, of course) for New Boobs Day to roll around (76 days) and I'll be on my way to my new old self.

I was right about the hot flashes last week; they've officially begun.  It's been quite a hot and humid week so it's not helping, and I've been waking up 3-4 times a night overheating and uncomfortable.  I'm exhausted!  I'll try to roll over on my stomach (no way, ouch!) or side, (again, ouch) to air out my back but that hasn't been seeming to work all that well. I'm keeping on with the flax seed though; I know it'll kick in one of these days and it won't be so bad anymore.  I'm meeting with my oncologist in two weeks to check in on how the Tamoxifen is going, and I have a list of vitamins that are supposed to help the flashes that I'm going to run by him.  Until then, it's a hot child in the city!

TGIF

I've survived my first week back in the office.  Of course, it wasn't a full week there, just 3 days, but it's a start!  I also have some pretty exciting news: New Boobs Day is officially happening on Wednesday, November 6th (only 82 days!).  I can't wait to get these rock-hard, uneven, armpit-bags outta here and some pretty new softies put in.  I don't even care that I'll have to go through more pain; it'll just bring me one step closer to feeling normal again! I've been told that this surgery is much easier than the one I had in June; I won't have any overnights in the hospital and I'll be back to work in the office within days of the operation.  Awesome!  I'll have (I do already!) so much to be grateful for at Thanksgiving!

My expansion yesterday went really well - getting a needle through a bruise didn't hurt as badly as I imagined it would, and I'm slightly less sore this week than I remember being last week. The ride to WI last night went fine too.  Something's up today though; I feel nauseous and have a slight headache.  I took the same dosage of pain meds I've been taking during the last couple expansions, but I have a feeling they have something to do with how I'm feeling.  I'm considering not keeping up with them today - I'd rather deal with the pain on it's own than this sick feeling I have right now. 
 

View from the passenger seat: a hot air balloon just as we got into Wisconsin.

I also think that the hot flashes have started (of course, it's a beautiful 75 and sunny right now, so that might have something to do with it).  They're nothing terrible, but I'll get super hot and take off the tshirt or sweatshirt I'm wearing, then I'll get super cold and have to put everything back on.  It's happening maybe once an hour, and I don't think they're intense as I imagined they'd be.  If this is it, I'll totally be able to handle it for the next 5 years.  I've been adding ground flax seed (thank you Joelle!) to my food and my mother-in-law Barbie just suggested incorporating more soy into my diet to minimize the flashes.  I'm totally up for trying any natural remedies, especially if they're healthy in other aspects too!