It's October!

I have to start out by saying how awesome my family, friends and coworkers are!  In less than a week we've blown past my initial fundraising goal of $250 and are sitting at $495 with 11 days to go!!  That's $5 short of half of the team goal of $1,000 I set! Your generosity is fantastic - keep spreading the word!

I attended my second breast cancer support group this afternoon, and I have to admit it was kind of a downer compared to the nutrition/fitness conversation we had last month.  Some of the ladies are having a really tough time and it makes me thankful that I have the love of so many people to help me get through everything. 

One thing that stuck with me (maybe it's because I'm new to being part of the breast cancer club) was that one of the group members said she has a hard time every October during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Everyone is so focused on it and somehow everything turns pink, and she has a hard time with the constant reminder of her experience.  I guess I never looked at it that way, but I get her point of view.  I feel like it's a month for people to be more active for the cause, donate a little and maybe reach out and help someone who may be battling the disease. 

As I left the meeting, I noticed I had a message from Ashley (my gene counselor) at the Breast Center.  (I was in the Breast Cancer suite when she called me - wish I would've bumped into her!)  She left a message saying she has "good news" and that I should call her when I can.  It was already after hours so I'll call her back tomorrow, but I'm trying to decide what her good news is.  Here's how I see it:

1. I have a mutated BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene that caused me to have breast cancer.  In this scenario, I can have my mom and/or dad get tested and from there, alert my other family members.  I can also, after having kids, choose to have a hysterectomy and/or oopherectomy, which would eliminate my risk of ovarian cancer.  Get rid of it!
2. I don't have the mutation, and we have no idea why I got breast cancer.

Not sure which of the two scenarios I'd prefer!  I guess there are positives and negatives of both, but I wouldn't necessarily call either good!  Cancer is cancer.

New Boobs Day Countdown: 36 days!

Weekend Wrap-Up

Did I mention that I started work again last week?  I was (and will continue for a bit longer) working from home.  It felt great to have my brain back in use after my three weeks "off" but I found myself getting frustrated because of the workload.  It's not a heavy one to say the least - work has been great about easing me back into my duties - but I do feel overwhelmed at times, which I think, is the most frustrating part.  Before all of this, I'd be able to take on what I've got on my plate and then some without blinking an eye; now, I'm distracted and feel really slow.  I'm getting the work done, don't get me wrong, but not at the speed or quality I typically like to produce.  Crossing my fingers that this next week goes a little better!

My "home office" at the dining room table and a
big perk of working from home: catching kitty cuddle sessions :)

 

 

My second tissue expansion on Thursday was a much better experience than the first!  I still had the tight, sore feeling from the first round, but the pain I felt in my ribs was completely absent!  I sneezed once late Thursday night and felt a quick stab, but other than that, my meds did their job and it was tolerable.  Thinking about getting a little crazy this week and bumping it up from 25 to 30 cc's in each side.

We met with a reproductive endocrinologist Friday morning and since, I've been struggling to summarize our experience.  Although the man is a genius who in the past made national headlines for his work with surrogacy (in a good way), his social skills were a little off (i.e. talking to me, as in mentioning something about the age of my ovaries [28 like they're supposed to be, if you're wondering] but looking at Jason while saying it.  Odd. 

Anyway, the reason we met with him was to determine what our options are for starting a family.  Here they are, as clear-cut as I can make them:

1. We harvest, create and freeze embryos now, before I start taking the tamoxifen, and use them either when I'm off the medicine in 5.5 years (it's been suggested that we wait 3-6 months after taking it so the drug is out of my system) or implant the embryos in a surrogate at some point before then.  As you can imagine, this process is extremely expensive (like, needing to with the Powerball before doing it, expensive).
2. We look into adoption.  I wish I could write a paragraph about it, but I've honestly not started doing research on it yet so I can't!
3. We wait 5.5 years (until I'm 34.5) to try for our first child. 

I feel like an 18-year-old again, starting college and trying to foresee where I'll end up in 4-5 years. Most 18-year-olds shouldn't be able to make such major decisions about their future (I put myself in that category); they haven't "lived" enough to know what they want to do when they grow up, and this feels like a similar situation.  How are we supposed to know what's best for us in the next 5 years?  I hate hate hate that there's a time frame pushing us too; if we decide to freeze embryos, we'll need to start the process in the next couple weeks, and I feel like that kind of a decision (and finding a pot of gold) requires more time.

Needless to say, I've had some very emotional moments over the past couple days, and I think that's why I've been delaying a post.  I didn't know what to write.  The thought of waiting for so many years to have a baby is breaking my heart, especially since we were ready for that part of our lives right now.  I'm trying to have patience and generate positives about waiting but are you kidding me?  I'm the most impatient person on this Earth and waiting that long sounds like cruel and unusual punishment (for a crime that I've never committed).

Time to break out the good ole note pad and make a pros/cons list (after researching more about adoption, of course).

Reproductive Endocrinologist

More Tears

I know it's hard to imagine being so incredibly happy yesterday and then sad today, but it's true.  It happens.  Today Dr. Howe (my oncologist) called referring me to the U of M's Reproductive Medicine Center so I could set up a consultation with a fertility specialist before starting tamoxifen.  The woman I spoke with gave me a general rundown of services, all of which are extremely expensive, and most of which are not covered under my health insurance plan.

I know it's way too early to be giving up on having kids, especially since there is still so much that we don't know - we have many options.  It's just very cumbersome and scary and not at all the way I imagined making our little family of two into a family of three or four.

I'm still feeling VERY optimistic about everything else; it's crazy to think that it's been four weeks since my surgery on June 26 - absolutely nuts!  I'm feeling better and better every day and couldn't have asked for a better recovery period!

Reproductive Medicine Center

Reproductive Medicine Center

Reproductive Medicine Center

Tears

Of JOY!  Psych, I bet you thought after reading the title that something bad had happened.  Nope, not this time!  We just got home from my appointment with Dr. Howe and he gave us the very happy news that I won't need chemo or radiation!

He confirmed that I will have to be on tamoxifen for the next five years, meaning that the hormones in my body will be blocked by the meds, giving me menopause-like symptoms (and not very good for growing a baby). Dr. Howe is having a team member of his refer us to a couple fertility doctors, so we'll definitely be having a baby discussion before I start taking anything.

Hip hip HOORAY!

Third Time's a Charm?

I had the privilege of being drained for the third time today.  Gross right?  How is it possible that over three weeks of healing, I'm still producing enough liquid that it needs to be extracted from me?  Thankfully, it was MUCH less today than it has been the other two times, so I think 1) the room my expanders took up is leaving less room for the liquid and 2) the compression bandage is working.  I've certainly been drinking mine and Jason's share of water the past couple days so maybe that had something to do with it too? 

Tonight I spoke with a lovely woman from Boston who had, 5-6 years ago, been in a very similar situation as mine.  She was 28 at the time of her diagnosis, and although her surgery and (so far) treatments were different, she was able to offer me something no one else at this point has been able to offer: knowing exactly how I feel.  No, she and her then-boyfriend (now husband) weren't trying for a baby like we were at the time of diagnosis, but she understands the fears of recurrence and having cancer constantly on the brain.  It was SO nice talking with her; I'm sure by the end of our 40 minute conversation she was more than ready to hang up, but I'm looking to her as a resource of information so I can't get enough of it. 

I hope that I can be that voice someday, helping another young woman in our situation.

Funk

I had my first bit of bad news yesterday since my initial diagnosis, and it totally put me in a funk for the rest of the day/this morning. It wasn't even news, it was just talking about potential outcomes after surgery.  It's likely that I'll have to take a drug for the next five years that has the potential to put me into early menopause.  If that happens, I'll have to wait five years before carrying my own children.  I think I'm having such a hard time with it because I finally got to the point where I was ready to start having children, and now that I'm ready, I'll have to wait. 

This is all hypothetical of course; we don't know what will happen after surgery so I'm trying not to dwell on the idea.  Before I start any sort of chemical treatment, I'll be meeting with a fertility doctor to talk about potentially freezing eggs for later use.  In my ideal world, if I'm not able to carry a baby for the next five years, I'd get a surrogate to do it for me.  No idea what the cost or emotional repercussions of that are, but I just don't think I (or Jason) can wait that long.  We need something good, and soon.