Ten

Ten days!  That's it, the time has finally come where I can say "surgery is next week!"  Jason and I met with Dr. Heinrich on Thursday to go over details of the surgery.  We talked about the size of implants I'll get (she'll test a few out before sewing me up to see what looks the most natural), what I can expect for pain (I'll be sore for a few days) and how it'll affect the progress I've made with my physical therapy (should actually make things better).  She said I'll be swollen for a few weeks, and I'll have to wear a compression bra of some sort to help with that.  I'll do whatever she says as long as it means I can get rid of these expanders! 

Yesssss!

Support, and Not in the Form of a Bra

I celebrated my four-week anniversary post-surgery by sharing my "close friends and family only" blog to Facebook in hopes that I could be a voice of encouragement to others who may be experiencing a similar situation.  The response has been overwhelmingly positive, encouraging, and loving, and I'm so very grateful to everyone taking the time out of their lives to read and share my story.  You are the people who add the fuel to my fire!  I've heard from a few ladies that it has motivated them to schedule an appointment they have been putting off, and hearing that makes me confident that I did the right thing by sharing my experience.  If even one person is able to catch something before it's a scary something, I'm doing my job!  It's never too early to get tested, and I'm not just talking about breast cancer either.  There's no room in life for hesitation when it comes to your health!

On a completely separate note, I just got home from having my second expansion.  Like I mentioned after last week's painful experience with 50cc's, I only did 25cc's on each side this time. I have to say, they're coming along quite nicely!  My preliminary assessment says that the right one is finally catching up to the left in terms of shape (it's been a little flatter) and my guess is that to any random, unknowing person, they wouldn't give me a second glance!  They're feeling a little tight but we'll have to wait a few hours until the pain (if it's coming) will really kick in.  That should be perfect since I have dinner plans with a few girlfriends at 7 (sarcasm font). I'll let you know how it turns out a little later!

Third Time's a Charm?

I had the privilege of being drained for the third time today.  Gross right?  How is it possible that over three weeks of healing, I'm still producing enough liquid that it needs to be extracted from me?  Thankfully, it was MUCH less today than it has been the other two times, so I think 1) the room my expanders took up is leaving less room for the liquid and 2) the compression bandage is working.  I've certainly been drinking mine and Jason's share of water the past couple days so maybe that had something to do with it too? 

Tonight I spoke with a lovely woman from Boston who had, 5-6 years ago, been in a very similar situation as mine.  She was 28 at the time of her diagnosis, and although her surgery and (so far) treatments were different, she was able to offer me something no one else at this point has been able to offer: knowing exactly how I feel.  No, she and her then-boyfriend (now husband) weren't trying for a baby like we were at the time of diagnosis, but she understands the fears of recurrence and having cancer constantly on the brain.  It was SO nice talking with her; I'm sure by the end of our 40 minute conversation she was more than ready to hang up, but I'm looking to her as a resource of information so I can't get enough of it. 

I hope that I can be that voice someday, helping another young woman in our situation.

Talk About Pain...

So last night I mentioned being in pain from the first expansion.  It got much, much worse from the time I made the post.  I somehow got myself to a lying down position on our bed, bawling, and was attempting some of the stretches I learned in PT (hey, the drugs weren't working so I had to exhaust all avenues) while Jason was Googling to see if others had had a similar reaction to their first expansion.  They did. 

The stabbing pain I was feeling in my ribs was normal; we found out the a lot of surgeons will sew the breast muscle to the ribs, so of course, when the muscle expands (because of the tissue expanders underneath) it pulls the ribs, making them feel like they're slowly breaking.  How nice right?  I broke down and took more of my meds (I've been trying to take less than I need - who needs all of these drugs in their system?) which helped me sleep.

I woke up this morning and just laid in bed, dreading sitting up (by far the most painful thing I do every day) and finally I gave myself the 1-2-3 and I was up. I took meds immediately and over the past two hours, they've kicked in enough to allow me to take a shower (a very slow and careful one at that).  I'm planning on taking it easy today; maybe doing my stretches a few times but other than that, I don't think I can handle much more :(

Expansions

What a great weekend!  We were busy, but not as much as a typical weekend when the Schober's are in town.  They're such a great source of support and love; Todd was his usual sassy self and Barbie was a doting mother-in-law with an eagle eye for me the entire time.  Love them! 

Although I thought we played it pretty easy, I'm exhausted today.  I slept late and woke up hot and crabby, that is until we had breakfast in a nice air-conditioned restaurant nearby.  And get this: I drove today!  For the first time in 20 days I drove a car!  I didn't make it very far, just to a gas station a few blocks away, but it's a start!  It was still just a little too painful to pull the steering wheel and I'm hesitant and slow which isn't good when driving in the hussle-bustle of the city.  I think I'll give it another couple days before trying again.  It'd be amazing to have the freedom of driving again; it's awful having to rely on others for rides.  I feel like such an inconvenience sometimes!

This afternoon we met with Dr. Heinrich who (thankfully) drained out another couple large-syringes of fluid that had collected under my skin.  It's so gross; I'm so relieved that it's gone.  It's jiggly and uncomfortable and I hate having it!  Jason and I didn't think this would happen too, but she wanted to expand me today as well!  After we got rid of the nasty fluid, she asked me to lay back on the table.  She took out her magnet and found the ports into my tissue expanders, then marked the spot on each side with a blue X.

Her assistant (didn't catch her name), on my right, and Dr. Heinrich, on my left injected me at the same time.  First, 25 cc's.  Then, when I said I wasn't really feeling a change, they added another 25 cc's.  It was CRAZY watching my "breasts" get bigger right before my eyes.  It was like puberty in fast-forward.  Sitting up I felt an enormous amount of pressure in my chest, and since getting home, have felt sort of a stabbing pain right down the center of me that pulses each time I expand my chest to breathe. I'm on as much medication as I'm able to take and I'd say my pain level is at a 7.  It hurts bad.  Almost as bad as those first few days after surgery.  I think I need to hold off next time and only do 25 cc's :( 

Keeping up with the Schober's

I've been a busy girl!  I'll get through the yucky part first.  Because I was still producing so much fluid after the drains came out, I had to have the excess pocket (what looked like a nasty fat roll/side boob) drained, which at the time didn't hurt much, but about an hour after killed!  That was Thursday, and I've noticed that it's been filling up again, which means another possible drain at my appointment on Monday.  Dumb.

Yesterday I met with a physical therapist who showed me exercises I can do at home 2-4 times/day to regain the range in motion I've lost since the surgery.  I did it once first thing this morning (before taking any of my pain meds) and wow, it hurt.  Bad.  Showering after was not fun and took WAY longer than it needed to.  Once the drugs kicked in I felt much better and went shopping with my two sisters for some new dresses (the tube top swim suit cover-ups need to go) and after painful try-ons, came out with a few scores!

When I got home I did the PT exercises again and did much better; not so much pain, a little further in the stretches.  It feels so good to be doing SOME sort of exercise again; I know I'm burning maybe 15-20 calories while doing the stretches, but anything is better than nothing at this point.

I'm awaiting the arrival of Jason's parents - Todd and Barb - at the moment.  They're the best in-laws a gal could've hoped for (and I'm not just saying that for brownie points either).  I'm so excited to see them, but at the same time a little nervous.  When they're here, we like to show them the town and check out local events.  Usually our outings involve way too much eating and drinking (something I've not done while on all these pain meds) and are go go go non-stop.  I hope I can keep up with them!

Todd & Barbie <3

Sweet Relief

Today I FINALLY had my drain tubes removed!  For those of you not paying attention, I've had these in since my surgery date, 12 whole days ago, to collect excess blood and puss my body produced while I was healing. 

Going into the appointment I had low expectations - I was supposed to be at 30cc's on each breast in a 24 hour period, and this last one was more like 45.  The color was right where it needed to be (sorry if that's gross) and the PA checked with Dr. Heinrich, came in and gave us the fantastic news that we got the green light to remove them.  I wanted to jump (too painful) and scream (too juvinile) so I flashed Jason a big smile and politely said "yay"!  Inside I was crying and hyperventilating like the young silly girls do when they see Justin Bieber.  This was my Bieber moment.

The PA removed the tape that'd been on my sides for the better part of two weeks and had me take a deep breath in and exhale for five counts.  During the exhale she pulled the tube, and I felt it uncoil inside of me - it was such a crazy cool feeling.  Removing the tape hurt worse than having the tubes pulled out, so when she moved on to do the left side I was feeling awesome.  I was able to hold in my excited screaming until we got to the car, which I'm sure Jason appreciated (sarcasm font). 

I have dinner plans with girlfriends but you better believe the second I get home that shower is mine, and I'm probably going to stay in there for a half hour at the very least.  Ohh sweet water, sweet shampoo and conditioner, how I've missed you!!

Over it

SO over these stupid drains.  It has been 12 days since I've taken a proper shower and these tubes coming out of the sides of me are driving me nuts!  Now that I'm feeling a little better, I've been going out in public a little more and wearing a fannie pack with pockets of puss and blood inside isn't exactly stylish for a gal my age.  I've tried pinning the bags to the insides of my clothes/dresses but there's no hiding these ridiculous things. 

Tonight I needed 15cc's or less on each side, followed by a repeat performance tomorrow morning.  Just now I was at 37 and 32.  Not cutting it.  Jason's trying to be positive, saying things like, "maybe by Wednesday" but oh. my. gosh.  I thought getting through the weekend was going to be tough.  I don't think I can do this for much more.  I'm considering canceling my appointment all together tomorrow; they'll tell me to come back in a few days.  Waste of time if you ask me.

Guhh!

Drains Drains Go Away

I'm reclaiming my independence, sort of anyway.  Yesterday I was able to successfully shave my armpits AND put my hair in a ponytail.  Tasks such as these are pretty simple to the every day lady, but a week after having surgery, with limited range in arm motion, I was pretty pumped I actually did it.  How exciting!

I didn't get into the details yesterday because my post was getting a little long, but I'd gotten the pathology report back the other day from Dr. Sanan.  He said that he had detected a few cancer cells in the sentinel lymph node he removed, meaning that had we not done the surgery, those cells could've spread to the next level of nodes and further on to the rest of my body.  Again, another close call in this crazy ride.  And, validation that I 100% made the right decision getting the bilateral mastectomy instead of the lumpectomy.  

I'm getting pretty sick of these drains.  Not so much the draining part - every time we empty them out it's kind of a guessing game to see how much will be in the cup.  Until this morning, I've been producing too much and the doctors don't want all of that excess liquid in my body.  The part that's bothersome is where the tubes come out of my sides.  They feel bruised and sore and just overall uncomfortable.  And because it's Friday, I'll be waiting until my appointment Monday afternoon, even if my drain totals stay where they are, to get them out.  Bummer.  I can do a few more days, I can do a few more days...

Non-Independence

It's been a week - I would've written sooner, but between nurses checking on me every 2 hours at the hospital, my mom and Jason fussing over me while at home those first few days, and the endless visits and phone calls from my family/friends since then, I feel like I haven't had time!  That sounds absolutely crazy since I'm not working and other than a doctor appointment and a trip to the market (I had to bust out some tears to convince Jason I was ready for an outing), I haven't gone anywhere.

I blame the naps.  Everything makes me tired.  While in the hospital the nurses were adamant about taking walks around the halls, so now that I'm home, I've been continuing those walks and I come home pooped!  The only movie I've watched in its entirety is the Little Mermaid, an 85-minute movie, and I think it was the adorable laughter of my niece Cecilia and nephew Josh that kept me awake for it.  Oh well, napping seems to be pretty nice; I can do it whenever I want and I usually feel pretty good after.  

My first walk post-op! Don't you just love the leg compressors AND grippy socks?

 Let's go back to last week so you can get the gory details of my surgery.  The day before, Tuesday, I was a ball of nerves.  Twitching and mind racing and just not doing very well.  Wednesday morning I did VERY well.  We got to the Breast Cancer suite right on time.  They had me change from the waist up into one of their luxurious gowns and head into the same room I had my biopsy in.  Jason and our bags were with me at this point and there was some delay in the injection they were going to use on me so we waited.  And waited waited waited.  Calmly might I add.  Finally they came in and injected me with a radio-active solution that Dr. Sanan would use to help find any stray cancer cells while he was operating on me. Included in the solution was something called lidocaine, which made my breasts numb.  A quick shot in each side and we were good to go.

Next we took a walk down to where the pre-op rooms were. After a bit more waiting, a nurse stood in front of me and asked if I was ready.  Lady I was BORN ready! She brought me into my own pre-op room and asked me to change into a purple gown, this time all other clothes gone. I was folding my pants and putting them into a plastic bag when Dr. Heinrich came in.  She made all of the markings the Dr. Sanan would follow during surgery and made me feel excited about the new boobs I'll have someday.

The nurse comes back in and as she asks me the health questions I've been asked all week (they type my answers into their database as they ask them, why is it that that no one seems to ever see them?) as a second nurse attempted to get an IV going on the top of my right hand.  She has a hard time with it, says my vein disappeared (huh?) and goes for one on my mid-forearm.  The nurses both leave and my family are finally able to come in now.  It's Jason, my mom, sisters and brother and I all smashed into this tiny little room but we make it work.  We crack jokes and once the anesthesiologist comes in we're almost having a good time.  She gives me something that makes me feel all goofy and I say goodbyes to my family.

Next I'm wheeled through hallways and into the operating room.  They transfer me to the operating bed and next thing I know, I'm out.  There was no counting down from a hundred, no "think happy thoughts" order, just sleep.  My guess is that, unknowingly to me, they injected my IV with something.  Fine by me!  I got to skip the anticipation and anxiety of the what if questions.  I wake up 6-7 hours later in the recovery room.  When I say wake up, I mean dozing, but I could hear myself snoring so that woke me up every time I started to doze. Dr. Sanan came in to check on me and said that everything went great and I finally got the go ahead to see my family!

I'm unhooked from a bunch of tubes and monitors and wheeled through the hallway, at the end of which I make out my mom, dad, sister and brother.  I gave them a little parade beauty-queen wave and then I'm in my room with a few nurses.  They transferred me over to my bed and got me all comfortable and finally let my family in.  At this point I'm super dozy and have zero recollection to what we discussed.  All I wanted was to sleep so when my eyes started drooping, they all (except Jason) went home.

Throughout that first night I'm woken up every two hours to take meds, have my blood pressure measured, my temperature taken and my oxygen levels looked at.  The machine that monitored my oxygen would go nuts every time I would finally drift off (deeper breathing = less oxygen) so they swapped me with something else.  I have these awesome (I wish I had a sarcasm font to use here) drain tubes that are removing the excess blood/puss from my wounds so we were emptying those every couple hours too.

These aren't MY drain bags, but they're exactly like the ones I had. 
I used black and white because to be honest, the liquid inside is pretty nasty!

The next few days/nights I had a few visitors and my mom/Jason took turns staying the night with me.  Its all a blur because I was sleeping so much of the time.  When I finally got the "go" to go home on Saturday the 29th I was the happiest girl ever!  My bed at home is definitely not as easy to maneuver in and out of as the bed in the hospital, but I can walk around topless here without anyone giving me dirty looks.  I'm not allowed to shower so I've been going through packs of baby wipes and we still have those drains to take care of.

The results are exactly what I was expecting - I have a 3-4" incision on each breast that's all stitched together and no nipples on either side.  The tissue expanders and drainage tubes give the appearance of a really botched boob job.  They're rock hard and the tubes look like veins sticking out (I'll spare you all a picture of that).  I wasn't looking for perfection at this stage and am happy I don't have to wear an uncomfortable bra or tons of gauze to cover the incisions (The zip up camisole I brought to the hospital?  Totally uncomfortable and haven't worn it once).  I think once I get the drain tubes out they'll look a little more normal (or at least normal for a girl who just had a bilateral mastectomy) and as I expand the balloons, they'll get better and better.  No more of this "A" cup I'm at right now :) 

I've been able to relax a little, and wanted to include pictures of some of my favorite things (among many many others) that were gifted to me and have kept me calm and comfortable during my time at home.  I recommend all of the products below, whether you're dealing with an illness or not - they're all fantastic!

From top left: Aveda's Blue Oil, a tuberose magnolia candle, eucalyptus spearmint pillow mist
from Bath & Body Works, and the softest button up jammies from Victoria's Secret

My time at home has been interesting so far.  Like I said earlier, I've had a few visitors and if anyone knows me, I like to have a tidy house before anyone comes over.  It's not difficult to keep a tidy house, just basically picking up after yourself, but when Jason doesn't allow me to do anything (beside the pain, the most difficult part of recovery), the house is less tidy than I like.  At least it has been decorated with a dozen vases of gorgeous flowers from my lovely brood of family and friends wishing me a speedy recovery!

I wish I would've taken more photos of the flowers :(  These are from my dad the Schober's

I put on a pair of jeans yesterday that indicated that I am, in fact, getting fat from wearing all of these stretch pants and comfortable clothes and eating all of the delicious treats my friends are bringing over.  I had a breakdown at that realization.  With no ability to work out (other than my short walks), I'll need to limit my food intake to strictly healthy foods, which is not my forte.  I work out for the sole purpose of eating treats.


The hair front has been quite interesting as well.  I have a lot of it and Jason's not exactly what I'd call an expert at taming it.  My sister washed it for me last night and we let it air-dry, so I'm going to bend the rules today and try to get it into a decent-looking ponytail this afternoon. Wish me luck!

I think today we're going to head out at my brother-in-law's parents house for a little bit.  They have a pool in their backyard that I won't be able to swim in, but at the very least I can put my legs in and pretend I'm swimming.  Later I'm bound and determined to see the fireworks so I'm hoping we can find a spot that's easy to get to and won't jostle me around too much.  I'm also hoping that I stay awake long enough for them!  Happy 4th all!

Making a Plan

​I think the beaming light of awesome that comes from good test results will be something that may take awhile to wear off.  Fine by me!  Still telling close friends about what’s going on - the list is getting shorter and shorter and it’s definitely easier to talk about it now.  I think my appetite is coming back a little and I’m tired, which means I’ll hopefully get a good night’s sleep tonight.  I’ve got a bunch of appointments this week and new doctors to meet.  So far so good!

I told my boss over a long lunch today and then she came with me to talk with our HR department. They were both extremely supportive and made me feel like there would be nothing I need to worry about on the work front.  I’m hoping I don’t have to take too much of my saved up vacation for this; I’d much rather use the time for other things! 

Late this afternoon Jason and I met with a plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options.  I’ll do implants in 4-5 months which means that during this first surgery, I’ll have tissue expanders put in to make room for them.  They’ll sit behind the muscles in my breasts and every week I’ll go in and they’ll inject saline until they’re at a size big enough to accommodate the implants.  Sounds like it’ll be a little uncomfortable for a few days while the skin/muscles adjust but I’m guessing that after going through the first surgery I should be able to handle it. 

This is what the expander looks like. 
The circle is magnetic and is where they'll use a needle to inject saline each week.

Hoping to get a better idea on a surgery date tomorrow - today at the meeting we discussed what I’ll need to do for the prep and it made it all very real!  It’s scary to think about, especially since I know I’ll have pain to manage, but I wish I could just go in and get it over with!  Waiting is the worst part!