New Shoes!

I've been ramping up my running in a big way over the past couple of weeks in order to do the Lifetime 90 day challenge 5K on May 6 and then the Race for the Cure 5K on May 11, and to be honest, it's getting pretty challenging (all of you long distance runners out there laughing, please keep your judgements to yourselves!). I'm not going to tell you how long I'm able to run before wanting to pass out, but I'm adding minutes daily and pretty soon I'll be proud enough of my milage to talk about it. Today is a rest day, but tomorrow I'm jumping in with these new pretties I picked up this afternoon:

Hopefully they'll make me light as a feather and I won't notice I'm running anymore...

I'm OK!

I totally meant to update immediately after my appointment on Friday, but the Schober's were in town and you know how it is when they're here - we stay busy nonstop! Anyway, the appointment with Dr. Howe went really well - he's not concerned that my pain is related to cancer at all. We talked about the side effects I've been having fromTamoxifen (all normal) and reviewed the blood work we took right before my appointment (hemoglobin levels are on the rise = very good). He didn't want to rush into an MRI and asked that I wait it out until the 24th before scheduling an appointment. After yesterday's chiropractor appointment, I'm not sure I'll be able to wait that long though. It feels like my muscles are in a super squeeze and are throbbing - basically a constant charley horse. I'm going to wait until Thursday and if things aren't improving, I'll try to get in.

I'm anxious for this pain to go away so I can get back to my gym routine - I'm going nuts not doing anything! I'll keep you updated!

Ouch

Thought I was finished with pain (and complaining about it) didn't you? Nope! A few weeks ago, in my quest to prove to myself that I'm physically back to normal, I did a boot camp class, followed by a TRX personal training session a few days later.

An example of one of the TRX exercises I did, except unlike the lady in the picture,
I was sweating like a beast, grunting, and making faces that would frighten children.

Since both were new to my body, I was understandably sore after each session. Once a few days had gone by, most of my aches had subsided, except for an area in my upper back, on the right side. I let it be for a few weeks, begging Jason for back rubs on a daily basis. Finally I decided to see a chiropractor, Dr. Kristin Schaffer. She's been doing some muscle stimulation and adjusting me every-other day for about a week and a half, and Monday she dropped a bomb on me. Because she's aware of my medical history, she brought up the fact that it was possible (but very unlikely) that my breast cancer metastasized to my ribs. I've heard worse news so I didn't immediately panic; we did an x-ray and sent it off to a radiologist for review.

My motto is that if you catch things early, they can be treated, so of course I made an appointment with Dr. Howe (my oncologist) as soon as I was able to on Tuesday morning. Yesterday afternoon I heard back from the radiologist who said they didn't see anything that they'd be concerned about, but c'mon. With everything I've gone through over the last 8 months, I don't think I'd be able to let this go until I get the green light from Dr. Howe. There has to be some reason for the pain I'm having (I'm rating it one step below expansions, to give you an idea of severity), and until we figure it out, we won't know how to make it go away.

I was a little on edge Monday evening (as you can imagine), but have since calmed a bit - I'm 90% sure I pushed myself too hard at the gym and as a result, gave myself an injury. We'll see what Dr. Howe says at my appointment Friday; until then, it's a nice rotation of heat and ice...

Stomach Ache

Well that's all folks. Meat, we've had our fun and now it's time to say goodbye (thank goodness!). Today I'm not feeling awesome - it's almost like I have a meat hangover from all of the snacks I had while watching the Superbowl last night. The "hangover" started almost immediately after I'd eaten my last mini meatball; the number one complaint being that I felt like a huge fatty. Even though I'd gone for a run yesterday morning, the fact that I'd just stuffed my face weighed heavily on my self esteem (see what I did there?). Next gripe: swollen fingers. I think all the salt from the snacks went straight to my fingers. I felt like a sausage in my own skin, just ready to burst open. So so gross. Trying to drink as much water today as possible so I can flush it out of my system. My stomach was OK last night, but today it's not happy with me. I'm bloated and am having some crazy grumbles. I was totally expecting to feel this way today, and it will serve as an excellent reminder if/when the craving for a cheeseburger strikes. Done done done.

I've never been so happy to eat a bowl of raw veggies for lunch.
I know it's not a composed meal, but it's the only thing I want right now!

The rest of the weekend was jam-packed. Friday we had a few friends over for dinner; after we ate we did a little prep for the gender reveal party we were throwing on Saturday for our friends Albert and Jacqueline (I'm withholding their real identities so I'm not responsible for spilling the beans about their exciting baby news). Before the reveal party started Saturday afternoon, I helped celebrate my sweet friend Christine at a lovely baby shower in her honor that morning.

Breaking news - the little lady Tine was carrying decided to make her debut 7 weeks early!
Shea Emma arrived late last night! I knew it'd be a girl!

Jason met me with our nephew Josh and his sister Cecilia at the reveal party, and from there, we took the kiddos to our place for popcorn and a movie. After finally getting them tucked in for the night, I was exhausted and fell asleep much earlier than anticipated. Good thing I did though; I heard the two chatting away at 6:15 yesterday morning. We all got up, had a little breakfast, then after my sister rounded up the kids I made my way to the gym. After a very quick shower, we went my sister Erin's house to file our taxes, then did a little laundry and made our way to my sister Rachel's for the Superbowl. Yowza...

And now on to the week ahead... Happy Monday everyone!

One Step Closer...

...to being a full-fledged vegetarian. We had two "meat days" this weekend and totally stuffed ourselves with chicken, beef and pepperoni (my favorite). I felt fine for the most part, but after eating the delicious cheese-stuffed burger I almost instantly felt sick. Maybe it was too much grease (Jason and I split a side of onion rings too), but maybe it was my stomach saying "no thanks" to the beef?  Who knows - we're back on a no-meat diet now until Sunday (which happens to be Superbowl Sunday), when we plan on saying au revoir to our favorite meat snacks. I'm feeling OK about it - like I've said to a few of my friends already, I don't really notice that we're not eating meat. I've also been getting oodles of recipes and advice from my vegetarian friends, so I think we'll be able to find yummy substitutes for our favorite foods that typically include meat.

...to eliminating night sweats. I attribute much of my success in this area to removing meat from my diet. I've been taking tamoxifen for almost six months now, and have had 4, maybe 5 nights of sleep where I didn't wake up once to a night sweat (In case you're wondering, night sweats are much worse than hot flashes; you wake up soaking, and even after changing in to dry jammies, you hop back into damp sheets. They're terribly unpleasant.). In the past week I've slept 4 or 5 nights all the way through. Do you know how wonderful it feels to have a full night of uninterrupted sleep?! Glorious - almost to the extent that I can hear angels sing as my alarm goes off each morning.

...to getting my sun-shiny, positive, cheerful self back. Yesterday I started taking a multivitamin that packs a Vitamin D punch. I'm confident it'll get my energy level back up and kick my Debby Downer attitude to the frozen curb. I'm also keeping up my gym habit; last week I signed up for a 5K in April and I'm determined to run the entire thing. It's 3.1 miles, I'm sure I can do it (plus, I have lots of time to work my way up)!

Thankful

Tis the season to shop, eat, be with friends and family, but most of all: be thankful.  I'm usually pretty aware of the things I have in my life that others may not.  I was lucky enough to be born into a very loving family, in a country that, among its shortcomings, offers a relatively safe and comfortable place to live and be a young, working woman.  I get to vote, choose who I marry (hey there, Jas), and at the end of the day, have the peace of mind that I don't have to worry about where my next glass of clean water is coming from, or how to cure my hunger pains. I live a pretty cushy life.

In the past I've completely taken my health and body for granted.  After my scare with breast cancer, I have a whole new level of respect (and thanks) for my physical and mental health.  I, unlike many other survivors, don't wake up every morning with my first thought being "I had cancer." Even when I'm flashing, I don't think "I'm hot because of the Tamoxifen, and I'm taking Tamoxifen because I had cancer." I don't think "cancer" when I stretch the muscles in my chest/arms or accidentally run into something because I don't have feeling in my boobs (it happens more than I'm happy to admit).  When I do think about it, it still seems a little too crazy to comprehend.  Like it was all a terrible dream, except I have the scars to prove that it wasn't (maybe I should seek therapy?!).

I'll never ever forget the fact that I had cancer, but I think it's time for me to move past it.  I'm beyond happy to talk about my experiences if anyone asks; however, I feel that dedicating this blog to cancer is facing it in the wrong direction.  I need to write about living life despite having cancer, to give others hope that they too can overcome the hurdles and come out the other side healthy, cancer-free, and yes, even thankful for the experience. 

I plan to continue to update you fine folks of any support group meetings, doctor appointments, or general aches and pains I have (if I have to deal with it, you're going to know about it), but I'll also be writing about other things going on in my life.  If that means I lose readers (all three of you), I want to thank you for sticking with me over the last five months.  I hope I was able to raise the awareness you have about your personal breast health (health in general!), or encourage you to spread the word about early mammograms.  It's never too early to detect and start treating breast cancer! 

Many thanks; I hope you have a wonderful holiday season!
Cassie

Go Mode

After having my final, yes final, expansion on Thursday last week, I met with Dr. Howe on Friday morning to discuss how the tamoxifen is going.  I'm having the very typical side effects: hot flashes and night sweats (hot) so nothing to be too concerned about.  He was so impressed with my blood work that he told me I could officially tell people that I'm cancer free.  Did you hear that!?  Cancer FREE!  Gone, zip!  Of course as I was finally finishing my last thank you notes yesterday, (writing it in every single one) I couldn't help but wonder if I'm totally jinxing myself by celebrating and blabbing to everyone about it.  On the other hand, I think I deserve the bragging rights - it's the best news I've had all summer!

Bringing me to my next topic: my energy level.  I don't know if it was the great news on Friday or the fact that I got some heavy duty relaxing in this weekend, but I've been like the energizer bunny lately!  I've been working out and kicking butt on annoying little house projects I've been putting off.  I've even been able to squeeze an episode of Orange is the New Black once a night (one more episode left... dreading the end of that hour, Season 2 needs to be available pronto!).

Loving and living life; only 58 days until New Boobs Day :) We finally broke the two-month barrier people!!

Jason = Positive Vibes

While waiting tonight for our purchase to be gift-wrapped for one of the many weddings we have this summer, I picked up a name horiscope-like book and found such a promising message under "Jason":

You will marry young (we were 24 and 25) and will weather initial difficulties (hello 2013!?) due to your age and inexperience (no one, at any time in their lives, should be prepared for what this year has put us through). Time will bring confidence, security, and happiness.

How uplifting, right?  Of course I searched for my name, but no one recognizes "Cassie" as a name.  I don't count Cassandra as being close enough (that's not my name); I want straight up Cassie.  No cool name pencils or key chains for this gal growing up.  Oh well, I think Jason's scope is perfect for both of us.  Time has brought us so far from where we started in all of this, and I'm so confident that it will eventually not cross our minds every single day.  Just a matter of time.

Another matter: kickball.  Our team did awesome last night, starting our season off with a 11-2 victory!  The ref was nice, cracking jokes while I was trying to play catcher, and we were all miserable in the oven that has taken over MN this week.  We made the best of it though and I'm so proud of our team.  I played without pain (although I'm pretty sore today) and I know the more I do it (i.e. every Tuesday for the next 7-8 weeks) the better I'll feel.  As a matter of fact, kickball will pretty much bring me right up to New Boobs Day (70 days)!

Talk About Pain...

So last night I mentioned being in pain from the first expansion.  It got much, much worse from the time I made the post.  I somehow got myself to a lying down position on our bed, bawling, and was attempting some of the stretches I learned in PT (hey, the drugs weren't working so I had to exhaust all avenues) while Jason was Googling to see if others had had a similar reaction to their first expansion.  They did. 

The stabbing pain I was feeling in my ribs was normal; we found out the a lot of surgeons will sew the breast muscle to the ribs, so of course, when the muscle expands (because of the tissue expanders underneath) it pulls the ribs, making them feel like they're slowly breaking.  How nice right?  I broke down and took more of my meds (I've been trying to take less than I need - who needs all of these drugs in their system?) which helped me sleep.

I woke up this morning and just laid in bed, dreading sitting up (by far the most painful thing I do every day) and finally I gave myself the 1-2-3 and I was up. I took meds immediately and over the past two hours, they've kicked in enough to allow me to take a shower (a very slow and careful one at that).  I'm planning on taking it easy today; maybe doing my stretches a few times but other than that, I don't think I can handle much more :(

Non-Independence

It's been a week - I would've written sooner, but between nurses checking on me every 2 hours at the hospital, my mom and Jason fussing over me while at home those first few days, and the endless visits and phone calls from my family/friends since then, I feel like I haven't had time!  That sounds absolutely crazy since I'm not working and other than a doctor appointment and a trip to the market (I had to bust out some tears to convince Jason I was ready for an outing), I haven't gone anywhere.

I blame the naps.  Everything makes me tired.  While in the hospital the nurses were adamant about taking walks around the halls, so now that I'm home, I've been continuing those walks and I come home pooped!  The only movie I've watched in its entirety is the Little Mermaid, an 85-minute movie, and I think it was the adorable laughter of my niece Cecilia and nephew Josh that kept me awake for it.  Oh well, napping seems to be pretty nice; I can do it whenever I want and I usually feel pretty good after.  

My first walk post-op! Don't you just love the leg compressors AND grippy socks?

 Let's go back to last week so you can get the gory details of my surgery.  The day before, Tuesday, I was a ball of nerves.  Twitching and mind racing and just not doing very well.  Wednesday morning I did VERY well.  We got to the Breast Cancer suite right on time.  They had me change from the waist up into one of their luxurious gowns and head into the same room I had my biopsy in.  Jason and our bags were with me at this point and there was some delay in the injection they were going to use on me so we waited.  And waited waited waited.  Calmly might I add.  Finally they came in and injected me with a radio-active solution that Dr. Sanan would use to help find any stray cancer cells while he was operating on me. Included in the solution was something called lidocaine, which made my breasts numb.  A quick shot in each side and we were good to go.

Next we took a walk down to where the pre-op rooms were. After a bit more waiting, a nurse stood in front of me and asked if I was ready.  Lady I was BORN ready! She brought me into my own pre-op room and asked me to change into a purple gown, this time all other clothes gone. I was folding my pants and putting them into a plastic bag when Dr. Heinrich came in.  She made all of the markings the Dr. Sanan would follow during surgery and made me feel excited about the new boobs I'll have someday.

The nurse comes back in and as she asks me the health questions I've been asked all week (they type my answers into their database as they ask them, why is it that that no one seems to ever see them?) as a second nurse attempted to get an IV going on the top of my right hand.  She has a hard time with it, says my vein disappeared (huh?) and goes for one on my mid-forearm.  The nurses both leave and my family are finally able to come in now.  It's Jason, my mom, sisters and brother and I all smashed into this tiny little room but we make it work.  We crack jokes and once the anesthesiologist comes in we're almost having a good time.  She gives me something that makes me feel all goofy and I say goodbyes to my family.

Next I'm wheeled through hallways and into the operating room.  They transfer me to the operating bed and next thing I know, I'm out.  There was no counting down from a hundred, no "think happy thoughts" order, just sleep.  My guess is that, unknowingly to me, they injected my IV with something.  Fine by me!  I got to skip the anticipation and anxiety of the what if questions.  I wake up 6-7 hours later in the recovery room.  When I say wake up, I mean dozing, but I could hear myself snoring so that woke me up every time I started to doze. Dr. Sanan came in to check on me and said that everything went great and I finally got the go ahead to see my family!

I'm unhooked from a bunch of tubes and monitors and wheeled through the hallway, at the end of which I make out my mom, dad, sister and brother.  I gave them a little parade beauty-queen wave and then I'm in my room with a few nurses.  They transferred me over to my bed and got me all comfortable and finally let my family in.  At this point I'm super dozy and have zero recollection to what we discussed.  All I wanted was to sleep so when my eyes started drooping, they all (except Jason) went home.

Throughout that first night I'm woken up every two hours to take meds, have my blood pressure measured, my temperature taken and my oxygen levels looked at.  The machine that monitored my oxygen would go nuts every time I would finally drift off (deeper breathing = less oxygen) so they swapped me with something else.  I have these awesome (I wish I had a sarcasm font to use here) drain tubes that are removing the excess blood/puss from my wounds so we were emptying those every couple hours too.

These aren't MY drain bags, but they're exactly like the ones I had. 
I used black and white because to be honest, the liquid inside is pretty nasty!

The next few days/nights I had a few visitors and my mom/Jason took turns staying the night with me.  Its all a blur because I was sleeping so much of the time.  When I finally got the "go" to go home on Saturday the 29th I was the happiest girl ever!  My bed at home is definitely not as easy to maneuver in and out of as the bed in the hospital, but I can walk around topless here without anyone giving me dirty looks.  I'm not allowed to shower so I've been going through packs of baby wipes and we still have those drains to take care of.

The results are exactly what I was expecting - I have a 3-4" incision on each breast that's all stitched together and no nipples on either side.  The tissue expanders and drainage tubes give the appearance of a really botched boob job.  They're rock hard and the tubes look like veins sticking out (I'll spare you all a picture of that).  I wasn't looking for perfection at this stage and am happy I don't have to wear an uncomfortable bra or tons of gauze to cover the incisions (The zip up camisole I brought to the hospital?  Totally uncomfortable and haven't worn it once).  I think once I get the drain tubes out they'll look a little more normal (or at least normal for a girl who just had a bilateral mastectomy) and as I expand the balloons, they'll get better and better.  No more of this "A" cup I'm at right now :) 

I've been able to relax a little, and wanted to include pictures of some of my favorite things (among many many others) that were gifted to me and have kept me calm and comfortable during my time at home.  I recommend all of the products below, whether you're dealing with an illness or not - they're all fantastic!

From top left: Aveda's Blue Oil, a tuberose magnolia candle, eucalyptus spearmint pillow mist
from Bath & Body Works, and the softest button up jammies from Victoria's Secret

My time at home has been interesting so far.  Like I said earlier, I've had a few visitors and if anyone knows me, I like to have a tidy house before anyone comes over.  It's not difficult to keep a tidy house, just basically picking up after yourself, but when Jason doesn't allow me to do anything (beside the pain, the most difficult part of recovery), the house is less tidy than I like.  At least it has been decorated with a dozen vases of gorgeous flowers from my lovely brood of family and friends wishing me a speedy recovery!

I wish I would've taken more photos of the flowers :(  These are from my dad the Schober's

I put on a pair of jeans yesterday that indicated that I am, in fact, getting fat from wearing all of these stretch pants and comfortable clothes and eating all of the delicious treats my friends are bringing over.  I had a breakdown at that realization.  With no ability to work out (other than my short walks), I'll need to limit my food intake to strictly healthy foods, which is not my forte.  I work out for the sole purpose of eating treats.


The hair front has been quite interesting as well.  I have a lot of it and Jason's not exactly what I'd call an expert at taming it.  My sister washed it for me last night and we let it air-dry, so I'm going to bend the rules today and try to get it into a decent-looking ponytail this afternoon. Wish me luck!

I think today we're going to head out at my brother-in-law's parents house for a little bit.  They have a pool in their backyard that I won't be able to swim in, but at the very least I can put my legs in and pretend I'm swimming.  Later I'm bound and determined to see the fireworks so I'm hoping we can find a spot that's easy to get to and won't jostle me around too much.  I'm also hoping that I stay awake long enough for them!  Happy 4th all!

Feeling Slightly Normal

​I told a few more people about my situation today.  I swear, the more I talk about it the better I feel.  It doesn’t change what’s happening inside of me (the cancer part) but mentally it’s such a relief to have others bear the weight with me (sorry friends and family!).

Talking with Deb helps so much - she's open and willing to share her experiences and helps me understand what I can expect for the surgery and my recovery.  She's given me a better understanding of the limitations I'll have when I get home from the hospital, and although I'm not looking forward to them, I think knowing what to expect will prepare me mentally/emotionally.

After our long day yesterday (we went to Rock the Garden and then an after show at 1st Ave) I was exhausted.  I slept for eight and a half glorious uninterrupted hours, woke up and went for a run, showered, made a quick Target stop and made my way to Faribault.  Sounds pretty much like any other day huh​?  ​I refuse to let cancer disrupt my life.

Jason and I at top; Missy (a great friend from high school) and I at the bottom left,
and then Joelle (a great friend from college) at the bottom right.

I had a very successful talk with my dad, who I was super nervous to talk to about it all.  His mother passed away from colon cancer when he was a little boy and I think all he knows of cancer is that people don’t survive it.  Until me, muahahaha!  He was encouraging and positive and asked questions and seemed to be doing ok.  Of course that didn’t stop me from calling Adam on my way back to St. Paul to have him check in with Dad in the next day or so.  Everyone needs to be checked on once in awhile. 

Waking up early for the MRI tomorrow morning to see if there are any additional hot spots in my breasts/armpits.  Hoping to get a little more information about my schedule of appointments in the next week too.  Let’s get surgery on the books please!!