Taking Care

I'm happy to report that our first attempt at cutting out meat was a success! We made some pretty tasty dishes Sunday through Wednesday this week and I hardly noticed that none of them included animal protein. I even ate out and was able to easily order some really delicious portobello mushroom fajitas. When we added meat back into our meals on Thursday (tacos), Jason was up with me during the night with a stomach ache (I was having one of my usual night sweats). I felt fine after eating meat Thurs/Fri, but after eating chicken tenders at our friend Andrew's birthday party on Saturday, I felt awful! I can't say if it was the chicken or the fact that they were fried, but it made me feel terrible (and happy to say buh-bye to them). Today we started day one of five days we're eating meatless so we'll see how this week goes!

In fitness-related news, I've been using the LT Bucks I earned for joining Lifetime Fitness over Black Friday to try out a few TEAM classes. For two weeks I was part of the TEAM Weightloss, and now I've moved on to TEAM Fitness. The fitness class is one level up in terms of difficulty, and instead of mostly cardio, we've been doing some serious weight lifting (my first attempt at kettle bells made me feel like an 80-year-old lady; I'm still nursing sore back muscles!). I like it, but my danceline background has me gravitating toward the cardio classes. I've also been back on the treadmill a few times slowly logging miles, and I'm pretty excited about how much I'm still looking forward to it. Yesterday my challenge was to do a 5K, which is something I've done many many times, but this time my goal was to run as much of it as possible and I don't think I did too bad. I wasn't really going for speed, but of course the faster you run, the faster you can be done. I finished nice and sweaty at 40:30, so with short stints of walking thrown in, I'm averaging a 13-minute mile. Certainly nothing to brag about, but it'll be interesting to see the improvement the more conditioned I get!

Finally, I had an appointment Thursday with Dr. Sanan, the surgeon who first discovered my cancerous lump. It's been about six months since I've seen him and ta daaaa - after examining me he determined there are no new lumps (not that I was expecting him to find any). Physically I've been feeling great and it's so great to have a confirmation from a professional. I also spent a little time with Lynnae, Carrie and Ali (the hospital's social worker) which was wonderful! They're all such great resources and care so much for their patients (me!). Ali's hooking me up with the oncology nutritionist to make sure I'm still getting enough nutrients now that we're modifying our diets. Once again I'm thanking my lucky stars I have them for my long term healing!

Natural remedies, here I come!

Pins and Needles

Now that my awful drains are out and I'm showering a ton, I've noticed that I've started getting more and more feeling back in the incisions.  I imagined that if I did get any feeling back, it'd be normal, skin and tissue feeling, or whatever I was feeling before surgery.  I was WAY wrong; I've been getting these super intense minute-long episodes where it feels like I'm being poked with a needle straight through the nipple (if I had one).  It's crazy and totally takes my breath away.  Of course I've checked it out and it's called phantom pain.  I'll have to figure out how to deal with it because man, I can't be going through that all the time!

We met with Dr. Sanan yesterday and I totally had a breakdown in the examination room.  C'mon, you can't ask a gal in my position "how have you been feeling" after the last three weeks I've had.  I blame PMS.

Drains Drains Go Away

I'm reclaiming my independence, sort of anyway.  Yesterday I was able to successfully shave my armpits AND put my hair in a ponytail.  Tasks such as these are pretty simple to the every day lady, but a week after having surgery, with limited range in arm motion, I was pretty pumped I actually did it.  How exciting!

I didn't get into the details yesterday because my post was getting a little long, but I'd gotten the pathology report back the other day from Dr. Sanan.  He said that he had detected a few cancer cells in the sentinel lymph node he removed, meaning that had we not done the surgery, those cells could've spread to the next level of nodes and further on to the rest of my body.  Again, another close call in this crazy ride.  And, validation that I 100% made the right decision getting the bilateral mastectomy instead of the lumpectomy.  

I'm getting pretty sick of these drains.  Not so much the draining part - every time we empty them out it's kind of a guessing game to see how much will be in the cup.  Until this morning, I've been producing too much and the doctors don't want all of that excess liquid in my body.  The part that's bothersome is where the tubes come out of my sides.  They feel bruised and sore and just overall uncomfortable.  And because it's Friday, I'll be waiting until my appointment Monday afternoon, even if my drain totals stay where they are, to get them out.  Bummer.  I can do a few more days, I can do a few more days...

Non-Independence

It's been a week - I would've written sooner, but between nurses checking on me every 2 hours at the hospital, my mom and Jason fussing over me while at home those first few days, and the endless visits and phone calls from my family/friends since then, I feel like I haven't had time!  That sounds absolutely crazy since I'm not working and other than a doctor appointment and a trip to the market (I had to bust out some tears to convince Jason I was ready for an outing), I haven't gone anywhere.

I blame the naps.  Everything makes me tired.  While in the hospital the nurses were adamant about taking walks around the halls, so now that I'm home, I've been continuing those walks and I come home pooped!  The only movie I've watched in its entirety is the Little Mermaid, an 85-minute movie, and I think it was the adorable laughter of my niece Cecilia and nephew Josh that kept me awake for it.  Oh well, napping seems to be pretty nice; I can do it whenever I want and I usually feel pretty good after.  

My first walk post-op! Don't you just love the leg compressors AND grippy socks?

 Let's go back to last week so you can get the gory details of my surgery.  The day before, Tuesday, I was a ball of nerves.  Twitching and mind racing and just not doing very well.  Wednesday morning I did VERY well.  We got to the Breast Cancer suite right on time.  They had me change from the waist up into one of their luxurious gowns and head into the same room I had my biopsy in.  Jason and our bags were with me at this point and there was some delay in the injection they were going to use on me so we waited.  And waited waited waited.  Calmly might I add.  Finally they came in and injected me with a radio-active solution that Dr. Sanan would use to help find any stray cancer cells while he was operating on me. Included in the solution was something called lidocaine, which made my breasts numb.  A quick shot in each side and we were good to go.

Next we took a walk down to where the pre-op rooms were. After a bit more waiting, a nurse stood in front of me and asked if I was ready.  Lady I was BORN ready! She brought me into my own pre-op room and asked me to change into a purple gown, this time all other clothes gone. I was folding my pants and putting them into a plastic bag when Dr. Heinrich came in.  She made all of the markings the Dr. Sanan would follow during surgery and made me feel excited about the new boobs I'll have someday.

The nurse comes back in and as she asks me the health questions I've been asked all week (they type my answers into their database as they ask them, why is it that that no one seems to ever see them?) as a second nurse attempted to get an IV going on the top of my right hand.  She has a hard time with it, says my vein disappeared (huh?) and goes for one on my mid-forearm.  The nurses both leave and my family are finally able to come in now.  It's Jason, my mom, sisters and brother and I all smashed into this tiny little room but we make it work.  We crack jokes and once the anesthesiologist comes in we're almost having a good time.  She gives me something that makes me feel all goofy and I say goodbyes to my family.

Next I'm wheeled through hallways and into the operating room.  They transfer me to the operating bed and next thing I know, I'm out.  There was no counting down from a hundred, no "think happy thoughts" order, just sleep.  My guess is that, unknowingly to me, they injected my IV with something.  Fine by me!  I got to skip the anticipation and anxiety of the what if questions.  I wake up 6-7 hours later in the recovery room.  When I say wake up, I mean dozing, but I could hear myself snoring so that woke me up every time I started to doze. Dr. Sanan came in to check on me and said that everything went great and I finally got the go ahead to see my family!

I'm unhooked from a bunch of tubes and monitors and wheeled through the hallway, at the end of which I make out my mom, dad, sister and brother.  I gave them a little parade beauty-queen wave and then I'm in my room with a few nurses.  They transferred me over to my bed and got me all comfortable and finally let my family in.  At this point I'm super dozy and have zero recollection to what we discussed.  All I wanted was to sleep so when my eyes started drooping, they all (except Jason) went home.

Throughout that first night I'm woken up every two hours to take meds, have my blood pressure measured, my temperature taken and my oxygen levels looked at.  The machine that monitored my oxygen would go nuts every time I would finally drift off (deeper breathing = less oxygen) so they swapped me with something else.  I have these awesome (I wish I had a sarcasm font to use here) drain tubes that are removing the excess blood/puss from my wounds so we were emptying those every couple hours too.

These aren't MY drain bags, but they're exactly like the ones I had. 
I used black and white because to be honest, the liquid inside is pretty nasty!

The next few days/nights I had a few visitors and my mom/Jason took turns staying the night with me.  Its all a blur because I was sleeping so much of the time.  When I finally got the "go" to go home on Saturday the 29th I was the happiest girl ever!  My bed at home is definitely not as easy to maneuver in and out of as the bed in the hospital, but I can walk around topless here without anyone giving me dirty looks.  I'm not allowed to shower so I've been going through packs of baby wipes and we still have those drains to take care of.

The results are exactly what I was expecting - I have a 3-4" incision on each breast that's all stitched together and no nipples on either side.  The tissue expanders and drainage tubes give the appearance of a really botched boob job.  They're rock hard and the tubes look like veins sticking out (I'll spare you all a picture of that).  I wasn't looking for perfection at this stage and am happy I don't have to wear an uncomfortable bra or tons of gauze to cover the incisions (The zip up camisole I brought to the hospital?  Totally uncomfortable and haven't worn it once).  I think once I get the drain tubes out they'll look a little more normal (or at least normal for a girl who just had a bilateral mastectomy) and as I expand the balloons, they'll get better and better.  No more of this "A" cup I'm at right now :) 

I've been able to relax a little, and wanted to include pictures of some of my favorite things (among many many others) that were gifted to me and have kept me calm and comfortable during my time at home.  I recommend all of the products below, whether you're dealing with an illness or not - they're all fantastic!

From top left: Aveda's Blue Oil, a tuberose magnolia candle, eucalyptus spearmint pillow mist
from Bath & Body Works, and the softest button up jammies from Victoria's Secret

My time at home has been interesting so far.  Like I said earlier, I've had a few visitors and if anyone knows me, I like to have a tidy house before anyone comes over.  It's not difficult to keep a tidy house, just basically picking up after yourself, but when Jason doesn't allow me to do anything (beside the pain, the most difficult part of recovery), the house is less tidy than I like.  At least it has been decorated with a dozen vases of gorgeous flowers from my lovely brood of family and friends wishing me a speedy recovery!

I wish I would've taken more photos of the flowers :(  These are from my dad the Schober's

I put on a pair of jeans yesterday that indicated that I am, in fact, getting fat from wearing all of these stretch pants and comfortable clothes and eating all of the delicious treats my friends are bringing over.  I had a breakdown at that realization.  With no ability to work out (other than my short walks), I'll need to limit my food intake to strictly healthy foods, which is not my forte.  I work out for the sole purpose of eating treats.


The hair front has been quite interesting as well.  I have a lot of it and Jason's not exactly what I'd call an expert at taming it.  My sister washed it for me last night and we let it air-dry, so I'm going to bend the rules today and try to get it into a decent-looking ponytail this afternoon. Wish me luck!

I think today we're going to head out at my brother-in-law's parents house for a little bit.  They have a pool in their backyard that I won't be able to swim in, but at the very least I can put my legs in and pretend I'm swimming.  Later I'm bound and determined to see the fireworks so I'm hoping we can find a spot that's easy to get to and won't jostle me around too much.  I'm also hoping that I stay awake long enough for them!  Happy 4th all!

Cell Type

MORE good news!  Dr. Sanan called a bit ago and informed me that the cancer cell types were HER2 negative, which means that the tumor is very much affected by estrogen/progesterone!  I sound like I know what I'm talking about, but I really don't - I need to do some research on this.  Dr. Sanan had to tell me it was good news haha!  I do know that because the cells aren't HER2, it decreases even more the chance that I'll have to do chemo or radiation.  That's fantastic news!  I told Dr. Sanan to go ahead and schedule surgery so I'm hoping to hear back on a time/date today.  Eeek!

I Can Do This

​Feeling awesome!  Met with Dr. Sanan and Lynnae this morning and learned a LOT about cancer.  We’re still waiting more info from the biopsy on what type of cancer cells I have, but we’ve come to a decision to do a double mastectomy with reconstruction.  Not quite sure when that’ll happen; my guess is in the next week or so?

It wasn't a difficult decision to make (I completely understand if it is for some women) because to me, they're just breasts.  Lumps of tissue that at this point in my life, aren't serving any purpose.  Plus, getting rid of them means I'm not looking over my shoulder the rest of my life, wondering if there are hidden lumps of cancer in them.  Dr. Sanan and Jason are both supportive of my decision which makes me feel great about it!

I’m still having the MRI on Monday morning and then next week I’m meeting with an oncologist, a plastic surgeon, a genetic counselor and I’m having a second opinion too.  I’m trying to avoid pushing surgery off too long so I’m hoping all of these appointments can be completed early in the week.  Head is spinning with all of the information but I talked with my sisters and mom and Ron (my step-dad) and Barb and Todd (Jason's parents) so I think everyone is (hopefully) feeling the slight relief I am.  I got some information on therapy so I can talk to someone about all of this, I’m planning on talking with Deb (a family friend) tomorrow morning and get her take on all of it since she’s been through it.  I plan on talking with everyone else in the next couple days about it.  It’s a strange feeling to be positive in this situation but I feel like I have no other option.  Let’s deal with it and move on! 

My Diagnosis

​At 1:50pm I got a phone call from the hospital.  I let it roll to voicemail.  I listened, it was Dr. Sanan asking me to call him back on his cell phone. Shit, what surgeon gives out his cell phone? I rushed outside and called back.  He started saying something about how he was right to be worried, and that I have breast cancer.  Excuse me?  I had to ask him to repeat himself as all the blood in my head rushed to my stomach.  I could feel my voice catch in my throat as I mumbled my yesses and mmmhmms as he spoke.  He rattled off the positives (are there in this situation?): it’s close to the surface, any deeper and we wouldn’t have noticed.  It’s a small tumor, I’m young.  Jason (I haven’t told him at this point) and I are meeting him at 10am tomorrow at the hospital - he’s coming in on a Saturday for me, when no one else will be there.  I can’t decide if it’s because it’s very very serious or if he wants to be aggressive with treatment.  I’m going with option two.

We finalize our plans and hang up.  Five minutes later Lynnae calls to see how I’m doing.  She says she’d like to be at the appointment tomorrow.  Love her.  I might make her my new best friend.  She answers my preliminary questions: do we know what stage it is? (can’t tell until after surgery), how fast will the treatment process go? (MRI and genetic counseling scheduled for Monday, surgery by the end of next week), whether my insurance will cover this? (yes).  My last question: what if I’m pregnant right now?  I’m due to get my period tomorrow and yes, Jason and I have been trying.  Lynnae and I decide that I should take a test today so I can go to the meeting tomorrow with as much information as possible.  We hang up, I go to the bathroom.  Relief, I notice some spotting.  I take the test anyway and it’s negative.  At the very least, I’m not having to restrict any possible treatments or worse, terminating a pregnancy. 

Jason’s on his way home right now - I’m sure he already knows it’s what we were afraid of (my text to him before I left work: “can you come home?”).  How do you tell your husband that you have cancer?

Jas and I at a Packer game last fall - MUCH happier (and oblivious) times

Cancer pain faintness holy shit cancer worry pain lightheaded cancer heart-racing

I just had a biopsy done on my right breast.  It’s the first non-dental procedure I’ve ever had and for not having time to mentally prep myself ahead of time, I think I did okay.  Yes I broke down when Dr. Sanan (a Board-Certified General Surgeon) said he was concerned and wanted to run tests on it, and yes I held hands with the amazing nurse, Lynnae, while it happened.

Background information.  I’d been in to see Dr. Sanan in December of 2010 for a “lump” I’d found in my right breast.  I somehow bypassed one of the general practitioners at the clinic I go to and was able to get in with the specialist.  He (and an intern) felt around and after an ultrasound, determined it was just my breast tissue.  No big deal.  Come back in a few weeks and we’ll recheck.  Done, fine, moving on. 

Fast forward to late 2012 or early 2013.  Jason (my husband) and I became a bit more serious about starting a family, and in my excitement to get pregnant, I was checking for early signs.  I noticed a bit of dark skin, right next to my nipple that was accompanied by a lump the size of a small gum ball.  I freaked out, then remembered I have lumpy tissue and went on with my day. 

Days, weeks and months went by and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I should get it tested, or at the very least, looked at by my regular doctor.  I finally scheduled an appointment, and at it, she recommended I go back and see Dr. Sanan again.  Two weeks go by.

Today.  I left work at 1:30 and headed to the United Hospital Breast Center.  I sat in the waiting room, then after changing into a bathrobe, sat in the exam room.  Dr. Sanan comes in, we chit chat and he starts the exam.  It’s completely silent as he pokes, applies pressure and squeezes me.  I know there’s a lump, I just wish he’d say something.  Finally he finishes the exam and has me sit down in a chair.  He types something into the computer for a few minutes, then looks at me and says something to the effect of “There’s a lump, and of course I want to know what it is.” Next thing I know, I’ve got a mammogram and ultrasound on my afternoon agenda. 

I’m brought into a different waiting room where there are already two middle-aged women in the same awesome robe I’m in.  They both look at me as I grab a magazine and sit down.  Not too long after sitting, my name is called and I’m lead into a room that says mammogram on it.

The mammogram machine I thankfully avoided

The practitioner asks me if there’s any chance of me being pregnant, and I say yes because there is (no period yet) and she leaves the room.  A minute later she’s back, and I’m back in the waiting room with the other ladies.  Skipped it.

Next up: ultrasound.  I had one of these the last time I had a scare, so I knew exactly what to expect.  I watched the monitor as they scanned my breast with their wand thing.  This practitioner says nothing.  She leaves to show the pictures to Dr. Sanan.  As I lay there silently trying not to overreact at the situation, he pops his head in, realizes the technician isn’t there and says he’s going to go find the pictures.  He comes back, along with his nurse Lynnea, the ultrasound tech and another doctor, Dr. Tai.  I get another ultrasound and they decide they want to biopsy the lump.

I’ve never had a biopsy before, so I ask them to explain it to me.  Numbing and a small “nick” in the skin, followed by the removal of four chunks of tissue.  I can handle it, I have a high tolerance to pain*. They all leave to grab the materials, I text Jason to let him know what’s going on.  (If you’re wondering why he’s not there with me, I didn’t think any of this was happening, so I told him he didn’t have to come.  Absolutely no hard feelings!)  The technician and Lynnea come back and I (naturally) have to ask to go back to the locker where my clothes are so I can grab my chapstick (delaying the inevitable or dry lips?).

When I came back there are tools and bandages laid out on the counter where I left my Nalgene.  I’m asked to lay down on the bed and to raise my right arm over my head.  I think Dr. Sanan had to run to surgery or something, because from this moment on he’s absent.  Dr. Tai put a topical numbing gel on me, then gave me a heads up that I’d feel a pinch and burning.  I felt the pinch - it was just like getting a shot in the arm - and the burning was tolerable and brief.  She said because of the tender area she was numbing, she was adding a lot, so she poked around inside half a dozen times and injected more of the serum.  I totally took it like a boss, not even wincing so I knew I was impressing the three ladies hovering over me with my iron-clad boob*.

After waiting a few minutes, she says that she’s going to start, so she “nicked” the surface and grabbed a long tool that, out of the corner of my eye, looked something like the image below. 

I swear, the needle was 2' long - this looks harmless!

She did a demo so I’d know what it sounded like - a stapler - and got to work.  I didn’t feel a thing on the first of four samples she was planning to take.  The second didn’t register any feeling either, except right after I felt pain like a bruise.  The third I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe.  Here’s an attempt.  Initially, not much registered.  Within a few seconds though I felt a fire spread from the right side of my chest all the way to the left and then down into my stomach.  I got hot all over, light headed, started sweating a bit, and heard a faint ringing in my ears.  Pain.  Oh my gosh pain.  I’ve fainted a few times in my life and this was it (thankfully I was already laying down); Lynnea got me a cold wet washcloth to put on my forehead. 

Because it was so painful, the doctor (God BLESS her soul) said that the first three samples were great and that she didn’t need to do a fourth.  I regained my composure and sat up after a bit.  Lynnae walked with me to the closet where my clothes were locked up and gave me a hug before I walked in.  I dressed, feeling completely bewildered and overwhelmed.  Driving out of the ramp was like being in the twilight zone. 

Dr. Sanan said not to expect results tomorrow but Lynnea said she’s going to try.  Working from home and crossing my fingers.

Tonight my sisters, Rachel and Erin, and I went to a sushi-rolling demonstration.  While it (and the Steve Martin look-alike) took my mind off of the results I was waiting on, it didn't mask the throbbing pain in my right breast :(

"Steve Martin" and our delicious poke

*Or so I thought.