One Year Later

And just like that, an entire year has passed. Today, one year ago (at approximately 2pm), I got the call no one ever wants to get. My breast cancer diagnosis was the switch that flipped my life completely upside down for 6 months, revealing in the process anxiety and pain, extreme love and support, and a sense of strength I never knew I had in me (cue eyes tearing up).

To mark this occasion (and the many 1st-year-anniversaries coming up), I've gone back to the very beginning of this blog to reflect. A quick recap of the first six months: I'd go from writing posts like this:

"It’s a lot harder to be confident and strong and positive when you’re alone and it’s quiet and dark." 

...to starting the next one with "I'm feeling awesome!" Cancer's such a sucky, terrifying, no-seatbelts-and-upsidedown-loops roller coaster.

And now, the end.

I wrote the blog to remind the future me of all that I went through during the process of beating breast cancer. To remind myself (in case I don't glance at the scars, or have a dozen hot flashes each day) that it did in fact happen, and that I made it out alive. It's served as a place for me to jot down the feelings/fears I couldn't express out loud, a message board for my family and friends, and hopefully, as a source of inspiration for others who have heard the three dreaded words "you have cancer."

Now that my year with cancer is wrapping up (aside from occasional check-up appointments and taking tamoxifen, there's very little in my life that deals with it on a daily basis), I'm struggling to find content worthy of posting. I'm a boring person that went through something thousands of others go through; that doesn't make me interesting. Jotting down notes about what happens in my daily life isn't beneficial to anyone (and I think it comes across as a little narcissistic).

That being said, I also get a little stressed seeing "Post to blog" come up on my to-do list every couple of days. No one needs unnecessary stress, especially when life right now is so much fun. And especially when the remedy is so simple: to stop stressing about writing on this blog. I told myself at the beginning that I'd never let it get to this place where the content had nothing to do with breast cancer or my journey, and now that it's here, I think the only thing left to say is "goodbye."

I'm deleting the reminder on my phone (and finally, the alarms I created to remind me to take my different pain meds every 4, 6 and 8 hours - no clue why that took a year to do?!), and won't stress (at least, not about this) any more. If something at an appointment comes up, I may revisit just to jot it down, but no more of this bi-weekly "sorry I haven't written" nonsense.

Thank your for your continued support, your daily/weekly/monthly visits to this place where I've been spilling my guts for a year, and most of all, your love and friendship. I couldn't have made it through the experience without you!

Cass

Run Run Run

Well I'm officially cancer-free... again, says Dr. Howe. I completely believe him, but that doesn't solve my pain problem! I'm listening to the advice from many people I love and taking a week off from running. Just one week. It's going to drive me nuts, and I might sneak in to do some time on a stationary bike, but no one has to know. I have another quick massage tomorrow after work; hopefully Maggie will tell me things feel looser/less inflamed (they don't to me).

I just signed up for our annual Race for the Cure team. I've participated (as a walker/runner) for the past 4-5 years, always just to support the cause and raise money for a disease I wanted gone. This year, I'm running (no walking) and I'm running for me. I'm going to run this year to show cancer that it can take away my boobs (and in the process, replacing them with much perkier ones) but it can't keep me down. Race for the Cure is my third official 5k I've committed to this spring, and I fully intend to run (and maybe even enjoy running) all of them. I have some running to do, and this back pain better get outta town so I can do it. Pronto!

I'm OK!

I totally meant to update immediately after my appointment on Friday, but the Schober's were in town and you know how it is when they're here - we stay busy nonstop! Anyway, the appointment with Dr. Howe went really well - he's not concerned that my pain is related to cancer at all. We talked about the side effects I've been having fromTamoxifen (all normal) and reviewed the blood work we took right before my appointment (hemoglobin levels are on the rise = very good). He didn't want to rush into an MRI and asked that I wait it out until the 24th before scheduling an appointment. After yesterday's chiropractor appointment, I'm not sure I'll be able to wait that long though. It feels like my muscles are in a super squeeze and are throbbing - basically a constant charley horse. I'm going to wait until Thursday and if things aren't improving, I'll try to get in.

I'm anxious for this pain to go away so I can get back to my gym routine - I'm going nuts not doing anything! I'll keep you updated!

Taking Care

I'm happy to report that our first attempt at cutting out meat was a success! We made some pretty tasty dishes Sunday through Wednesday this week and I hardly noticed that none of them included animal protein. I even ate out and was able to easily order some really delicious portobello mushroom fajitas. When we added meat back into our meals on Thursday (tacos), Jason was up with me during the night with a stomach ache (I was having one of my usual night sweats). I felt fine after eating meat Thurs/Fri, but after eating chicken tenders at our friend Andrew's birthday party on Saturday, I felt awful! I can't say if it was the chicken or the fact that they were fried, but it made me feel terrible (and happy to say buh-bye to them). Today we started day one of five days we're eating meatless so we'll see how this week goes!

In fitness-related news, I've been using the LT Bucks I earned for joining Lifetime Fitness over Black Friday to try out a few TEAM classes. For two weeks I was part of the TEAM Weightloss, and now I've moved on to TEAM Fitness. The fitness class is one level up in terms of difficulty, and instead of mostly cardio, we've been doing some serious weight lifting (my first attempt at kettle bells made me feel like an 80-year-old lady; I'm still nursing sore back muscles!). I like it, but my danceline background has me gravitating toward the cardio classes. I've also been back on the treadmill a few times slowly logging miles, and I'm pretty excited about how much I'm still looking forward to it. Yesterday my challenge was to do a 5K, which is something I've done many many times, but this time my goal was to run as much of it as possible and I don't think I did too bad. I wasn't really going for speed, but of course the faster you run, the faster you can be done. I finished nice and sweaty at 40:30, so with short stints of walking thrown in, I'm averaging a 13-minute mile. Certainly nothing to brag about, but it'll be interesting to see the improvement the more conditioned I get!

Finally, I had an appointment Thursday with Dr. Sanan, the surgeon who first discovered my cancerous lump. It's been about six months since I've seen him and ta daaaa - after examining me he determined there are no new lumps (not that I was expecting him to find any). Physically I've been feeling great and it's so great to have a confirmation from a professional. I also spent a little time with Lynnae, Carrie and Ali (the hospital's social worker) which was wonderful! They're all such great resources and care so much for their patients (me!). Ali's hooking me up with the oncology nutritionist to make sure I'm still getting enough nutrients now that we're modifying our diets. Once again I'm thanking my lucky stars I have them for my long term healing!

Natural remedies, here I come!

Thankful

Tis the season to shop, eat, be with friends and family, but most of all: be thankful.  I'm usually pretty aware of the things I have in my life that others may not.  I was lucky enough to be born into a very loving family, in a country that, among its shortcomings, offers a relatively safe and comfortable place to live and be a young, working woman.  I get to vote, choose who I marry (hey there, Jas), and at the end of the day, have the peace of mind that I don't have to worry about where my next glass of clean water is coming from, or how to cure my hunger pains. I live a pretty cushy life.

In the past I've completely taken my health and body for granted.  After my scare with breast cancer, I have a whole new level of respect (and thanks) for my physical and mental health.  I, unlike many other survivors, don't wake up every morning with my first thought being "I had cancer." Even when I'm flashing, I don't think "I'm hot because of the Tamoxifen, and I'm taking Tamoxifen because I had cancer." I don't think "cancer" when I stretch the muscles in my chest/arms or accidentally run into something because I don't have feeling in my boobs (it happens more than I'm happy to admit).  When I do think about it, it still seems a little too crazy to comprehend.  Like it was all a terrible dream, except I have the scars to prove that it wasn't (maybe I should seek therapy?!).

I'll never ever forget the fact that I had cancer, but I think it's time for me to move past it.  I'm beyond happy to talk about my experiences if anyone asks; however, I feel that dedicating this blog to cancer is facing it in the wrong direction.  I need to write about living life despite having cancer, to give others hope that they too can overcome the hurdles and come out the other side healthy, cancer-free, and yes, even thankful for the experience. 

I plan to continue to update you fine folks of any support group meetings, doctor appointments, or general aches and pains I have (if I have to deal with it, you're going to know about it), but I'll also be writing about other things going on in my life.  If that means I lose readers (all three of you), I want to thank you for sticking with me over the last five months.  I hope I was able to raise the awareness you have about your personal breast health (health in general!), or encourage you to spread the word about early mammograms.  It's never too early to detect and start treating breast cancer! 

Many thanks; I hope you have a wonderful holiday season!
Cassie

Go Mode

After having my final, yes final, expansion on Thursday last week, I met with Dr. Howe on Friday morning to discuss how the tamoxifen is going.  I'm having the very typical side effects: hot flashes and night sweats (hot) so nothing to be too concerned about.  He was so impressed with my blood work that he told me I could officially tell people that I'm cancer free.  Did you hear that!?  Cancer FREE!  Gone, zip!  Of course as I was finally finishing my last thank you notes yesterday, (writing it in every single one) I couldn't help but wonder if I'm totally jinxing myself by celebrating and blabbing to everyone about it.  On the other hand, I think I deserve the bragging rights - it's the best news I've had all summer!

Bringing me to my next topic: my energy level.  I don't know if it was the great news on Friday or the fact that I got some heavy duty relaxing in this weekend, but I've been like the energizer bunny lately!  I've been working out and kicking butt on annoying little house projects I've been putting off.  I've even been able to squeeze an episode of Orange is the New Black once a night (one more episode left... dreading the end of that hour, Season 2 needs to be available pronto!).

Loving and living life; only 58 days until New Boobs Day :) We finally broke the two-month barrier people!!