I wasn't impressed with myself yesterday. I was at work wrapping up everything for the next couple weeks and surgery is all I could think about. I got to the point where I couldn't stop moving, I was almost twitchy. I broke down on the phone with my dad for a little bit before heading to Erin & Rob's for a family dinner. The mood there was quiet; I think everyone was feeling the nerves I have.
On the way home Jason and I were completely silent in the car. There's nothing that can be said at this point to make either of us feel better. I'm afraid of the pain I'll have in the next couple days and he's afraid something will go wrong with surgery (that's one thing I'm NOT afraid of - my surgeons are awesome). When we got home, we both just started doing stuff - me inside and Jason outside - to pass the time. Until this experience I've never been a stress cleaner, but it's been a fabulous distraction.
After crossing off all of the things on my to-do list (extra long for this extra stressful week and a half), I got to packing. Here's an inside peek at the wardrobe I'll be rocking in the next couple days:
- My awesome post-surgery zip up camisole, complete with pouches for the drain bags
- Grannie panties
- Tube top swimsuit coverups
- Leggings
- Moccassins
- Wrap sweaters and zip-up hoodies
- Cloth headbands
- Baby wipes
- Cleansing facial wipes
- Makeup (I'm so vain)
- A brush
- Burt's Bees Rejuvenating Lip Balm
- Throat lozenges (I read that they're helpful)
- A Kindle
This morning I'm nervous but calm (does that make sense?). My stomach is churning but I don't feel like I have a panic attack coming on. It's all out of my hands now, and I need to stay confident that things will be just fine. Yes the next couple weeks will be hard, but the cancer-free result will make it so worth while.
There's no way I could've gotten through the last week and a half without my family and friends so here's a thank you: the support, love and encouragement you've given me played a tremendous part in my positive attitude. The dinner, treats, movies, magazines, pedicure, gift basket and clothing are all completely unnecessary, but I appreciate every last bit and will utilize it all in my recovery.
My Jason: This has been an experience I never wanted us to go through. When I look back at two weeks ago, I see two dumb kids with nothing but a backyard full of weeds to worry about. Ignorance really was bliss. There's no other person I would want by my side right now. You've kept my feet on the ground (we all know how my imagination and hypothetical thinking can get the best of me) and you've been such a solid person to lean on when I need to break down. Your love is so evident and your calmness is so soothing. I love you so very much and can never thank you enough for your drop-everything attitude, pre-bedtime "wake me up if you can't sleep" offers to talk, and care I know you'll give me in these next few weeks.
I'm going to be just fine.
This might be it for a few days. Keep the positive, healing vibes coming my way and I'll be sure to give you an update on how awesome it is having draining tubes coming out of me.
It's the morning after the BIG day, and I continue to be amazed and covered in the blessings that have surrounded us in these past few hours!
ReplyDeleteMy beautiful, determined and brave daughter continues to inspire me! Her documentation of the steps she takes and experiences to come will become a bridge she builds to help others cross over into survival and health. She will prove that the BIG C is a tough assailant, but can be defeated with the talented assistance of Doctors who have been the healing hands of God in my eyes.
For those who might not have an amazing support system to surround them, Cassie's journal will become a link to their health journey and make a way for others to know they are a part of this journey to become warriors, and conquer the Beast we call breast cancer!
I love you my baby girl all grown up. May God continue to surround you and give you His peace and blessings in the yeara to come! ♡