It's the night before my second (and hopefully last) surgery; a day I've been looking forward to since I heard the dreaded "you have cancer" diagnosis from my surgeon. I'm finally here at the finish line; tomorrow's surgery is the last big step in getting rid of the cancer and getting me back to "normal." From here on out (God willing), the only thought of this experience will be the tiny little white pill (tamoxifen) I take each night before bed.
I went back and read some of my early blog posts and I'm so happy that I decided to write all of this down. Somehow I'd forgotten things, major things, that were a necessary part of the process (i.e. the dread I felt when telling my family and friends the diagnosis; the crazy sensation of drain tubes being removed, etc.). There's good and bad there - I don't want to forget all that I've been through because it reminds me of how strong I am, but I think time is softening the details a little (maybe a coping mechanism?). I have to say though - the time leading up to surgery #1 was way scarier than the time leading up to surgery #2. I'm not twitching right now, and I'm 91% calm and collected (the list of things to stress-clean tonight is much shorter than last time ha).
I've come a very long way and have been through hell. I hate that I know so much about the disease, that being pricked with needles has become routine, and that I'm part of a "club" I never wanted to join. I'm ready to not be terrified when wondering if the cancer will come
back (something that might take years to get over); to not
wake up in pain because I'd accidentally rolled onto my side in my
sleep; to feel confident in my clothes again. I am so ready.
Cancer, you've been a very unwelcome shadow in my life for too long. You've ruined the plans I had for starting a family (right now, anyway), you've given me physical and emotional scars that will never go away and you've been a major contributor to an already terrible year. You've shown me paralyzing fear in the "ignorance is bliss" life I'd been living. Any tears I might cry will be out of joy at your absence; please never return.
Showing posts with label Waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Waiting. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Wednesday
By this time next week, I'll be resting comfortably on my living room couch with my new boobs (and Jason!) to keep me company. ONE WEEK! I can finally answer "When's your surgery again?" with "Wednesday" and people won't ask for the actual date. I've been counting down for some time (sorry), and today got the following reminder on my phone:
Total side note: friends/family who are nurses, this is for you. I had a second pre-op appointment on Monday to basically make sure I was alive before the doctor could sign off that I was good to go on surgery (my hemoglobin, kidney function and potassium levels are all normal). The doctor came in (not my regular), sat down and started going through my information: current medications, past surgeries etc. Here's a rundown of the conversation:
Dr.: "What surgery are you having next week?"
Cassie: "Breast reconstruction."
Dr.: (pause) "Why are you having breast reconstruction?"
Cassie: "Because I had a bilateral mastectomy in June."
Dr.: "Why did you have the bilateral mastectomy?"
Cassie: "I was diagnosed with breast cancer."
Now, I'm not saying (at all) that it's the doctor's fault for asking these questions (although I wonder if she saw how old I was and thought maybe I was getting new boobs for fun?). I'm curious though, why none of that medical history, pretty major stuff, wasn't on my chart? Especially since I'd had the pre-op for the mastectomy at this same clinic? They know I had once been taking pre-natal vitamins, but they skip adding cancer to the list? C'mon!
 |
| My "event" is just a week away (as if I'd need the reminder, ha)! |
Dr.: "What surgery are you having next week?"
Cassie: "Breast reconstruction."
Dr.: (pause) "Why are you having breast reconstruction?"
Cassie: "Because I had a bilateral mastectomy in June."
Dr.: "Why did you have the bilateral mastectomy?"
Cassie: "I was diagnosed with breast cancer."
Now, I'm not saying (at all) that it's the doctor's fault for asking these questions (although I wonder if she saw how old I was and thought maybe I was getting new boobs for fun?). I'm curious though, why none of that medical history, pretty major stuff, wasn't on my chart? Especially since I'd had the pre-op for the mastectomy at this same clinic? They know I had once been taking pre-natal vitamins, but they skip adding cancer to the list? C'mon!
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Hot Hot Hot!
Going to make this short and sweet since I'm in a bit of pain and my head is spinning! I had my sixth and final expansion this morning! Woo hoooo! So very exciting :) No more weekly appointments and days of nausea from the pain meds. All I have to do is wait wait wait (patiently, of course) for New Boobs Day to roll around (76 days) and I'll be on my way to my new old self.
I was right about the hot flashes last week; they've officially begun. It's been quite a hot and humid week so it's not helping, and I've been waking up 3-4 times a night overheating and uncomfortable. I'm exhausted! I'll try to roll over on my stomach (no way, ouch!) or side, (again, ouch) to air out my back but that hasn't been seeming to work all that well. I'm keeping on with the flax seed though; I know it'll kick in one of these days and it won't be so bad anymore. I'm meeting with my oncologist in two weeks to check in on how the Tamoxifen is going, and I have a list of vitamins that are supposed to help the flashes that I'm going to run by him. Until then, it's a hot child in the city!
I was right about the hot flashes last week; they've officially begun. It's been quite a hot and humid week so it's not helping, and I've been waking up 3-4 times a night overheating and uncomfortable. I'm exhausted! I'll try to roll over on my stomach (no way, ouch!) or side, (again, ouch) to air out my back but that hasn't been seeming to work all that well. I'm keeping on with the flax seed though; I know it'll kick in one of these days and it won't be so bad anymore. I'm meeting with my oncologist in two weeks to check in on how the Tamoxifen is going, and I have a list of vitamins that are supposed to help the flashes that I'm going to run by him. Until then, it's a hot child in the city!
Monday, July 22, 2013
Nerves
You'd think by now I should be over being nervous for doctors appointments. I'm not. Jason and I are meeting with my oncologist over lunch tomorrow to discuss further treatment. I'm hoping and crossing my fingers and toes that the oncotype test results are in so we can include that information as we decide on a plan of attack.
If the results say the cancer is likely to reoccur, I'm looking at some chemo and/or radiation. If not, then yippee, neither!! Either way, it's very likely I'll have to be on Tamoxifen. I can get into the awesome (sarcasm font) side effects of that tomorrow once I know more, but yikes. Welcome back nerves!
If the results say the cancer is likely to reoccur, I'm looking at some chemo and/or radiation. If not, then yippee, neither!! Either way, it's very likely I'll have to be on Tamoxifen. I can get into the awesome (sarcasm font) side effects of that tomorrow once I know more, but yikes. Welcome back nerves!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Surgery Day
It's finally here. I can't say that I'm excited, but I'm very happy we're getting the show on the road and I don't have to spend any more days with it consuming my thoughts. The next time I wake up, I'll be cancer free :)
I wasn't impressed with myself yesterday. I was at work wrapping up everything for the next couple weeks and surgery is all I could think about. I got to the point where I couldn't stop moving, I was almost twitchy. I broke down on the phone with my dad for a little bit before heading to Erin & Rob's for a family dinner. The mood there was quiet; I think everyone was feeling the nerves I have.
On the way home Jason and I were completely silent in the car. There's nothing that can be said at this point to make either of us feel better. I'm afraid of the pain I'll have in the next couple days and he's afraid something will go wrong with surgery (that's one thing I'm NOT afraid of - my surgeons are awesome). When we got home, we both just started doing stuff - me inside and Jason outside - to pass the time. Until this experience I've never been a stress cleaner, but it's been a fabulous distraction.
After crossing off all of the things on my to-do list (extra long for this extra stressful week and a half), I got to packing. Here's an inside peek at the wardrobe I'll be rocking in the next couple days:
This morning I'm nervous but calm (does that make sense?). My stomach is churning but I don't feel like I have a panic attack coming on. It's all out of my hands now, and I need to stay confident that things will be just fine. Yes the next couple weeks will be hard, but the cancer-free result will make it so worth while.
There's no way I could've gotten through the last week and a half without my family and friends so here's a thank you: the support, love and encouragement you've given me played a tremendous part in my positive attitude. The dinner, treats, movies, magazines, pedicure, gift basket and clothing are all completely unnecessary, but I appreciate every last bit and will utilize it all in my recovery.
My Jason: This has been an experience I never wanted us to go through. When I look back at two weeks ago, I see two dumb kids with nothing but a backyard full of weeds to worry about. Ignorance really was bliss. There's no other person I would want by my side right now. You've kept my feet on the ground (we all know how my imagination and hypothetical thinking can get the best of me) and you've been such a solid person to lean on when I need to break down. Your love is so evident and your calmness is so soothing. I love you so very much and can never thank you enough for your drop-everything attitude, pre-bedtime "wake me up if you can't sleep" offers to talk, and care I know you'll give me in these next few weeks.
I'm going to be just fine.
This might be it for a few days. Keep the positive, healing vibes coming my way and I'll be sure to give you an update on how awesome it is having draining tubes coming out of me.
I wasn't impressed with myself yesterday. I was at work wrapping up everything for the next couple weeks and surgery is all I could think about. I got to the point where I couldn't stop moving, I was almost twitchy. I broke down on the phone with my dad for a little bit before heading to Erin & Rob's for a family dinner. The mood there was quiet; I think everyone was feeling the nerves I have.
On the way home Jason and I were completely silent in the car. There's nothing that can be said at this point to make either of us feel better. I'm afraid of the pain I'll have in the next couple days and he's afraid something will go wrong with surgery (that's one thing I'm NOT afraid of - my surgeons are awesome). When we got home, we both just started doing stuff - me inside and Jason outside - to pass the time. Until this experience I've never been a stress cleaner, but it's been a fabulous distraction.
After crossing off all of the things on my to-do list (extra long for this extra stressful week and a half), I got to packing. Here's an inside peek at the wardrobe I'll be rocking in the next couple days:
- My awesome post-surgery zip up camisole, complete with pouches for the drain bags
- Grannie panties
- Tube top swimsuit coverups
- Leggings
- Moccassins
- Wrap sweaters and zip-up hoodies
- Cloth headbands
- Baby wipes
- Cleansing facial wipes
- Makeup (I'm so vain)
- A brush
- Burt's Bees Rejuvenating Lip Balm
- Throat lozenges (I read that they're helpful)
- A Kindle
This morning I'm nervous but calm (does that make sense?). My stomach is churning but I don't feel like I have a panic attack coming on. It's all out of my hands now, and I need to stay confident that things will be just fine. Yes the next couple weeks will be hard, but the cancer-free result will make it so worth while.
There's no way I could've gotten through the last week and a half without my family and friends so here's a thank you: the support, love and encouragement you've given me played a tremendous part in my positive attitude. The dinner, treats, movies, magazines, pedicure, gift basket and clothing are all completely unnecessary, but I appreciate every last bit and will utilize it all in my recovery.
My Jason: This has been an experience I never wanted us to go through. When I look back at two weeks ago, I see two dumb kids with nothing but a backyard full of weeds to worry about. Ignorance really was bliss. There's no other person I would want by my side right now. You've kept my feet on the ground (we all know how my imagination and hypothetical thinking can get the best of me) and you've been such a solid person to lean on when I need to break down. Your love is so evident and your calmness is so soothing. I love you so very much and can never thank you enough for your drop-everything attitude, pre-bedtime "wake me up if you can't sleep" offers to talk, and care I know you'll give me in these next few weeks.
I'm going to be just fine.
This might be it for a few days. Keep the positive, healing vibes coming my way and I'll be sure to give you an update on how awesome it is having draining tubes coming out of me.
Monday, June 24, 2013
48 Hours to Go
This is too bizarre. I just looked at the clock on my computer and it's 1:30 on the dot. 48 hours until surgery begins.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Funk
I
had my first bit of bad news yesterday since my initial diagnosis, and
it totally put me in a funk for the rest of the day/this morning. It
wasn't even news, it was just talking about potential outcomes after
surgery. It's likely that I'll have to take a drug for
the next five years that has the potential to put me into early
menopause. If that happens, I'll have to wait five years before
carrying my own children. I think I'm having such a hard time with it
because I finally got to the point where I was ready to start having children, and now that I'm ready, I'll have to wait.
This is all hypothetical of course; we don't know what will happen after surgery so I'm trying not to dwell on the idea. Before I start any sort of chemical treatment, I'll be meeting with a fertility doctor to talk about potentially freezing eggs for later use. In my ideal world, if I'm not able to carry a baby for the next five years, I'd get a surrogate to do it for me. No idea what the cost or emotional repercussions of that are, but I just don't think I (or Jason) can wait that long. We need something good, and soon.
This is all hypothetical of course; we don't know what will happen after surgery so I'm trying not to dwell on the idea. Before I start any sort of chemical treatment, I'll be meeting with a fertility doctor to talk about potentially freezing eggs for later use. In my ideal world, if I'm not able to carry a baby for the next five years, I'd get a surrogate to do it for me. No idea what the cost or emotional repercussions of that are, but I just don't think I (or Jason) can wait that long. We need something good, and soon.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Making a Plan
I
think the beaming light of awesome that comes from good test results
will be something that may take awhile to wear off. Fine by me! Still
telling close friends about what’s going on - the list is getting
shorter and shorter and it’s definitely easier to talk about it now. I
think my appetite is coming back a little and I’m tired, which means
I’ll hopefully get a good night’s sleep tonight. I’ve got a bunch of
appointments this week and new doctors to meet. So far so good!
I told my boss over a long lunch today and then she came with me to talk with our HR department. They were both extremely supportive and made me feel like there would be nothing I need to worry about on the work front. I’m hoping I don’t have to take too much of my saved up vacation for this; I’d much rather use the time for other things!
Late this afternoon Jason and I met with a plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options. I’ll do implants in 4-5 months which means that during this first surgery, I’ll have tissue expanders put in to make room for them. They’ll sit behind the muscles in my breasts and every week I’ll go in and they’ll inject saline until they’re at a size big enough to accommodate the implants. Sounds like it’ll be a little uncomfortable for a few days while the skin/muscles adjust but I’m guessing that after going through the first surgery I should be able to handle it.
Hoping to get a better idea on a surgery date tomorrow - today at
the meeting we discussed what I’ll need to do for the
prep and it made it all very real! It’s scary to think about,
especially since I know I’ll have pain to manage, but I wish I could
just go in and get it over with! Waiting is the worst part!
I told my boss over a long lunch today and then she came with me to talk with our HR department. They were both extremely supportive and made me feel like there would be nothing I need to worry about on the work front. I’m hoping I don’t have to take too much of my saved up vacation for this; I’d much rather use the time for other things!
Late this afternoon Jason and I met with a plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options. I’ll do implants in 4-5 months which means that during this first surgery, I’ll have tissue expanders put in to make room for them. They’ll sit behind the muscles in my breasts and every week I’ll go in and they’ll inject saline until they’re at a size big enough to accommodate the implants. Sounds like it’ll be a little uncomfortable for a few days while the skin/muscles adjust but I’m guessing that after going through the first surgery I should be able to handle it.
 |
| This is what the expander looks like. The circle is magnetic and is where they'll use a needle to inject saline each week. |
Friday, June 14, 2013
Happy Thoughts
Results. Results. Results. When will they be in? Will I have to wait
all weekend assuming the worst yet hoping for the best? In my opinion
this could go one of four ways:
I wasn’t planning on it but I'm in the office working today. Thought it would be a good distraction. Happy thoughts happy thoughts. I've asked Lynnea to email me any results if they come in today so I don't have to take a dreaded phone call with my coworkers listening in. I'll hopefully be able to read it in the privacy of our house and react as needed (being positive: I'll probably scream with relief when I hear it's nothing).
Happy thoughts.
- (Most important and what I'm hoping for) I'm pregnant and the lump is benign
- (Pit-in-my-stomach worst fear) I'm pregnant and the lump is cancerous
- I'm not pregnant and the lump is benign
- I'm not pregnant and the lump is cancerous
I wasn’t planning on it but I'm in the office working today. Thought it would be a good distraction. Happy thoughts happy thoughts. I've asked Lynnea to email me any results if they come in today so I don't have to take a dreaded phone call with my coworkers listening in. I'll hopefully be able to read it in the privacy of our house and react as needed (being positive: I'll probably scream with relief when I hear it's nothing).
Happy thoughts.
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