1-2-3 GO!

Today I'm starting tamoxifen.  It's a big day (in my opinion anyway) because it's the starting line to my 5-year marathon to a cancer-free me.  It also starts a 5-year ban on getting pregnant (cancer, you're a jerk).

Of course, here I am, impatiently waiting for Jason to take me to Target so I can get the pills and start them already (it'll just be one/day).  I figure, the sooner I start it, the sooner I can finish.  If you're not familiar with the drug, here's a rundown courtesy of WebMD:

Tamoxifen is used to treat breast cancer that has spread to other parts of the body (metastatic breast cancer) (taking it is precautionary for me; my doctors have assured me that my cancer hasn't spread), to treat breast cancer in certain patients after surgery and radiation therapy, and to reduce the chances of breast cancer in high-risk patients.

This medication can block the growth of breast cancer. It works by interfering with the effects of estrogen in the breast tissue.

Side effects can include:

• hot flashes;
• leg cramps;
• muscle aches;
• hair thinning;
• headache; and
• numb/tingling skin

How lovely!  I'll be a 55-year-old woman stuck in a 28(almost 29, eek!)-year-old's body.  The possible side effects are much better than having cancer; need to remind myself of that, probably once they start kicking in more so than right now though, haha!

One Step Forward...

You know what comes next.  Such a roller-coaster of emotions, this year has been.  On top of everything that's happened—deaths in the family (one very sudden), my cancer diagnosis/surgery/recovery, and plans for starting a family completely disrupted—Jason found out yesterday that the company he was working for is going out of business, as of yesterday, leaving him on the hunt for a new job.

Things could be worse; I have amazing insurance.  My medical bills through this whole process have racked up to almost six digits, and we've only seen $25-$45 co-pay's here and there.  I'm not done yet either - I have another surgery and 5 years of medication coming up. The bills could very likely surpass what we took out as a mortgage on our house.

Yes, the unemployment Jason will collect will be less than his salary, but his confidence, skills and talent will land him a great job, and soon too.  From the moment he heard the news, he's been sending his resume out.  He's not wasting any time and I'm so thankful he's so on the ball. If he doesn't stress about money, I won't stress about money. 

Our worst day is still a better day than many other people in this world are having.  It took me awhile yesterday afternoon (between wiping tears and sobbing to my sister on the phone - hey, it's a lot to handle in a short period of time) to remind myself to be grateful for everything we have. Pitty party - table for one.

Timing, ohhh you sweet son of a b****.  You're awful right now. 

Weekend Wrap-Up

Did I mention that I started work again last week?  I was (and will continue for a bit longer) working from home.  It felt great to have my brain back in use after my three weeks "off" but I found myself getting frustrated because of the workload.  It's not a heavy one to say the least - work has been great about easing me back into my duties - but I do feel overwhelmed at times, which I think, is the most frustrating part.  Before all of this, I'd be able to take on what I've got on my plate and then some without blinking an eye; now, I'm distracted and feel really slow.  I'm getting the work done, don't get me wrong, but not at the speed or quality I typically like to produce.  Crossing my fingers that this next week goes a little better!

My "home office" at the dining room table and a
big perk of working from home: catching kitty cuddle sessions :)

 

 

My second tissue expansion on Thursday was a much better experience than the first!  I still had the tight, sore feeling from the first round, but the pain I felt in my ribs was completely absent!  I sneezed once late Thursday night and felt a quick stab, but other than that, my meds did their job and it was tolerable.  Thinking about getting a little crazy this week and bumping it up from 25 to 30 cc's in each side.

We met with a reproductive endocrinologist Friday morning and since, I've been struggling to summarize our experience.  Although the man is a genius who in the past made national headlines for his work with surrogacy (in a good way), his social skills were a little off (i.e. talking to me, as in mentioning something about the age of my ovaries [28 like they're supposed to be, if you're wondering] but looking at Jason while saying it.  Odd. 

Anyway, the reason we met with him was to determine what our options are for starting a family.  Here they are, as clear-cut as I can make them:

1. We harvest, create and freeze embryos now, before I start taking the tamoxifen, and use them either when I'm off the medicine in 5.5 years (it's been suggested that we wait 3-6 months after taking it so the drug is out of my system) or implant the embryos in a surrogate at some point before then.  As you can imagine, this process is extremely expensive (like, needing to with the Powerball before doing it, expensive).
2. We look into adoption.  I wish I could write a paragraph about it, but I've honestly not started doing research on it yet so I can't!
3. We wait 5.5 years (until I'm 34.5) to try for our first child. 

I feel like an 18-year-old again, starting college and trying to foresee where I'll end up in 4-5 years. Most 18-year-olds shouldn't be able to make such major decisions about their future (I put myself in that category); they haven't "lived" enough to know what they want to do when they grow up, and this feels like a similar situation.  How are we supposed to know what's best for us in the next 5 years?  I hate hate hate that there's a time frame pushing us too; if we decide to freeze embryos, we'll need to start the process in the next couple weeks, and I feel like that kind of a decision (and finding a pot of gold) requires more time.

Needless to say, I've had some very emotional moments over the past couple days, and I think that's why I've been delaying a post.  I didn't know what to write.  The thought of waiting for so many years to have a baby is breaking my heart, especially since we were ready for that part of our lives right now.  I'm trying to have patience and generate positives about waiting but are you kidding me?  I'm the most impatient person on this Earth and waiting that long sounds like cruel and unusual punishment (for a crime that I've never committed).

Time to break out the good ole note pad and make a pros/cons list (after researching more about adoption, of course).

Reproductive Endocrinologist

Support, and Not in the Form of a Bra

I celebrated my four-week anniversary post-surgery by sharing my "close friends and family only" blog to Facebook in hopes that I could be a voice of encouragement to others who may be experiencing a similar situation.  The response has been overwhelmingly positive, encouraging, and loving, and I'm so very grateful to everyone taking the time out of their lives to read and share my story.  You are the people who add the fuel to my fire!  I've heard from a few ladies that it has motivated them to schedule an appointment they have been putting off, and hearing that makes me confident that I did the right thing by sharing my experience.  If even one person is able to catch something before it's a scary something, I'm doing my job!  It's never too early to get tested, and I'm not just talking about breast cancer either.  There's no room in life for hesitation when it comes to your health!

On a completely separate note, I just got home from having my second expansion.  Like I mentioned after last week's painful experience with 50cc's, I only did 25cc's on each side this time. I have to say, they're coming along quite nicely!  My preliminary assessment says that the right one is finally catching up to the left in terms of shape (it's been a little flatter) and my guess is that to any random, unknowing person, they wouldn't give me a second glance!  They're feeling a little tight but we'll have to wait a few hours until the pain (if it's coming) will really kick in.  That should be perfect since I have dinner plans with a few girlfriends at 7 (sarcasm font). I'll let you know how it turns out a little later!

More Tears

I know it's hard to imagine being so incredibly happy yesterday and then sad today, but it's true.  It happens.  Today Dr. Howe (my oncologist) called referring me to the U of M's Reproductive Medicine Center so I could set up a consultation with a fertility specialist before starting tamoxifen.  The woman I spoke with gave me a general rundown of services, all of which are extremely expensive, and most of which are not covered under my health insurance plan.

I know it's way too early to be giving up on having kids, especially since there is still so much that we don't know - we have many options.  It's just very cumbersome and scary and not at all the way I imagined making our little family of two into a family of three or four.

I'm still feeling VERY optimistic about everything else; it's crazy to think that it's been four weeks since my surgery on June 26 - absolutely nuts!  I'm feeling better and better every day and couldn't have asked for a better recovery period!

Reproductive Medicine Center

Reproductive Medicine Center

Reproductive Medicine Center

Tears

Of JOY!  Psych, I bet you thought after reading the title that something bad had happened.  Nope, not this time!  We just got home from my appointment with Dr. Howe and he gave us the very happy news that I won't need chemo or radiation!

He confirmed that I will have to be on tamoxifen for the next five years, meaning that the hormones in my body will be blocked by the meds, giving me menopause-like symptoms (and not very good for growing a baby). Dr. Howe is having a team member of his refer us to a couple fertility doctors, so we'll definitely be having a baby discussion before I start taking anything.

Hip hip HOORAY!

Nerves

You'd think by now I should be over being nervous for doctors appointments.  I'm not.  Jason and I are meeting with my oncologist over lunch tomorrow to discuss further treatment.  I'm hoping and crossing my fingers and toes that the oncotype test results are in so we can include that information as we decide on a plan of attack.

If the results say the cancer is likely to reoccur, I'm looking at some chemo and/or radiation.  If not, then yippee, neither!!  Either way, it's very likely I'll have to be on Tamoxifen.  I can get into the awesome (sarcasm font) side effects of that tomorrow once I know more, but yikes.  Welcome back nerves!